Monday, December 29, 2014

My Truth......

.....and your truth about the same situation may be completely different. Trust that I don't embellish. The things that I write about have really happened to me, regardless of whether or not the subjects of my posts choose to acknowledge it. My favorite quote on the subject of personal truth.....
"Yet, I get to tell my truth. I get to seek meaning and realization. I get to live fully, wildly, imperfectly. That’s why I’m alive. And all I actually have to offer as a writer, is my version of life. Every single thing that has happened to me is mine. As I’ve said a hundred times, if people wanted me to write more warmly about them, they should have behaved better."  --Anne Lamont Bird by Bird 
I write because I can. I'm good at it, I think. I want to tell my story. We all struggle....sometimes we struggle with the same things. I want others to know that it's okay to struggle. As long as you also know you are strong enough to get through it.

Everything changes.......EVERY. THING. CHANGES.


And it (usually) absolutely sucks.....


Lately, lots of things in my life have been changing rapidly. Sometimes I have some difficulty keeping up with all those changes. The last few days (weeks, now) have been somewhat emotional. A friend of mine lost her husband-type-person quite suddenly. My heart breaks for her. We are far too young to be widows.

I left a job that I used to love but had become just one more place where I felt too stupid to be allowed to breathe. And that makes me sad. When I started, I felt like my job was one place where I was doing something right. And that made me feel good about myself. And now? Well, now not so much.

We sold Ma's house and she now resides with me......with her Alzheimer's.....and we spend our days chasing tablets and phones and charger cords and occasionally, we manage to laugh about it.....we're having some growing pains. We found some treasures. And found some treasures missing.....

Which means people I trusted, I shouldn't have. Which all revolves around addiction and that just pisses me off all the more. Addiction blows. The ravages of it are not limited to the addict......they are not limited to the physical toll drugs take on a human body.....often, the cost to those that love the addict are much higher....

.......bodies can heal......hearts? trust?......not so much......


Ex's Are........

.......a pain in the ass.

Today is an anniversary. The Former Supposed Spouse and I first got together on the Sunday after Thanksgiving 11 years ago. This year, the actual date is the same as well - November 30. And of course it makes me sad.

I do love him. As I may have mentioned, love for each other was never our problem. Two people who never loved one another with great passion could never possibly generate the level of pure unadulterated rage that we have towards one another.

He's not the only one who has done wrong. I've thrown my share of punches....mostly gut checks and blows below the belt because I'm just kind of a bitch like that. Yes. I have had affairs. Not just this time. Just that this time, the characters perhaps hit a little closer to home.

But booze and drugs have been "the other woman" in his life - in our life together - for the last 11 years. And that he would continue to choose "her" over me? Cuts me just as deeply as mine cut him.

And given everything that we both have done to each other? Why in the name of all that is Holy should we continue to destroy each other?? Let's just call it a draw and be done with it.

........and, that's just one ex.........

...."come for the holidays," I said. "It'll be fun!" I said.

And, you know, I can overlook a lot when the sex is really, really good. But there just wasn't any.....really. And I realize none us is physically 25 anymore. But in my head, I am. I still have a very healthy sex drive. And I very much enjoy physical intimacy. And all MY parts cooperate.....and participate.......enthusiastically. And it's not often that I find a partner in my same age bracket (44-52) that can keep up with me. And because I am lucky (crazy?) enough to have found one who can, perhaps my expectations of others are......just a tad high.

I think perhaps he was also trying to run from something.......funny how your struggles - whether it's with relationships, or family or whatever - follow you wherever you go. Whatever was going on, Christmas Day was a day of non-stop drinking which probably triggered a flashback to Christmases past....not just with the Former Supposed Spouse drinking himself into oblivion but my Grandpa as well.....and all of a sudden I was just so damn claustrophobic in my own house, I couldn't breathe. After that, it was awkward and tense and weird and in the end, he went home a week early. And I have no doubt that it was for the best.

I feel bad because I know it was awkward and weird and tense for him, too. And it wasn't fair of me to invite him into my little psycho-drama......and I dunno.....expect him to "fix" everything that's wrong in my life. That's a helluva expectation and one that was impossible to live up to......even if he had been the Matthew McConaughey-like specimen that I remember him being 25 years ago.

*****SIGH*****

Maybe I'm just better off without a dick in residence right now.

Happy Holidays, ya'll. May 2015 be better than 2014.......or at the very least, less messy.

Monday, October 20, 2014

I Am So Far Beyond Excited.......



.......about this that I cannot EVEN begin to TELL you!!!!










LOVE

ROLLER

DERBY!!






I just KNOW that I have a derby girl in me that is SCREAMING to come out and play!!

I even have a name picked out


 Raven Psycho a.k.a. The Elbow Chopper




(Squealing like a little girl at Christmas) EEEEeeeeee!!! I can't wait! I can't WAIT!! I CAN'T WAIT!!

About Last Night........

.....and then again this morning.

(It was actually Friday night and then Saturday morning....)

There is a new one. I'll call him Driller. And he is equally obsession worthy and, potentially, as addicting as He is (was? story for another day. maybe.)

Younger than me. Built. Former oilfield worker (hence, the nickname). He looks like one of those boys off "Black Gold." And he has that thing.....that lower abdomen cut thing.....that makes smart girls do dumb things.........very dumb things. (how can you not? It's like a damn arrow pointing right at it!!)

I am NOT light, not by any stretch of the imagination. But last night, he lifted me off of my chair and onto his lap like it was NOTH-ING!!

He was sad. And I'm a down-ass chick.....someone he can be himself around, he says. So, I went to see him and see if I could be....some sort of comfort for him. And I listened while he cried. Which, yes, I can totally appreciate is no small thing for a man to do in front of a woman, down-ass chick or not.

And you know that moment? That moment where you just want so badly to touch someone.......and you know you shouldn't......and you try to stop......but you just sit there and watch while your hand suddenly develops a mind of it's own? Yeah.

And one thing led to another......and I kinda knew it would when he suggested that I come over.

And he was impressed. He wondered aloud why the hell anyone would leave me and my many talents. He is willing to indulge me in all those things I wish for......And if it keeps up it will get......interesting.

I suspect Driller (pun intended) has a great many tricks up his pant leg. And it's driving me to distraction thinking of exactly what those may be. My Inner Goddess is doing cartwheels over the possibilities. Driller mentioned a few of them........and that would be part of the reason I'm still awake tonight.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Cheap Wine.......

.......and cigarettes.




You call me up
When you get lonely
You make me feel
Like I’m the only one you love
And when I just cant get enough
Hey hey you're like

Cheap wine and cigarettes
That kind of taste that you don’t forget
You take me high and leave me a mess
Just like cheap wine and cigarettes
Hey yeah
Hey yeah

You’re like a curse
You know I want you
Crave you wake up feeling worse
Yeah but then the night comes around
Baby I just cant put you down
I can’t put you down like

Cheap wine and cigarettes
That kind of taste that you don’t forget
You take me high and leave me a mess
Just like cheap wine and cigarettes

You're no good for me baby
But I still give into you anyway
Hey hey like

Cheap wine and cigarettes
That kind of taste that you don’t forget
You take me high and leave me a mess
Just like cheap wine and cigarettes
Hey hey

Cheap wine and cigarettes
That kind of taste that you don’t forget
You take me high and leave me a mess
Just like cheap wine and cigarettes
Hey yeah
Hey yeah
Hey yeah
Hey yeah

.........SIGH.........

......the more I get, the more I want......each "fix" only feeds the crave.....

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

It Is Truly Amazing.....

......what a difference 24 hours can make in one's outlook on life.

Last night at this time, I was wound so tightly that I kinda, sorta, maybe, definitely......

.......snapped.......

And I have the bruised knuckles and sore toes to prove it.

And the hole in the wall outside the laundry room is a little bigger......

..........

..........

And, no, I'm not going to share the details as to whowhatwhenwhereandwhy was finally able to unwind me. But it was no small task. And it did require several hours of a very intense kind of "holistic therapy." But today, my outlook and my attitude are much more pleasing.

Kinda felt like I was........




........maybe that's a LITTLE over the top, but still.....

Just............ thank you.

I can breathe again.

When my eyes finally rolled back to the front of my head, I could see straight again.

I no longer feel like a too tightly wound string on a guitar ready to snap at any moment.

I can interact with others without feeling like I want to smack them silly.

Gonna go with the whole "letting things unfold in their own way and own time...." thing.

(((great big VERY content sigh)))




Monday, October 13, 2014

Yes. I Have An Evil Streak.....

......and it's well past time to stop playing games. If  I'm going to be done with him, it's just time to be done with him. No more letters, no more phone calls, no more anything. And if it takes a court order to accomplish that, then that's what it takes.

Like I said......I'm SO done. It was never a matter of  "if I leave him, but WHEN."

Maybe I shouldn't share so much of my private life with the public. I don't know. We all struggle. I know I'm not the only one in the world who has dealt with a long term relationship crashing and burning. My life is kind of a hot mess. But without the mess, there would be no message. I hope that by being very public with my life and the people in it, someone else sees something of themselves in it. 

I'm human. I make mistakes. I fall in  love with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time. But I still love. And when I do, I love with everything in me. I still get up every morning and try to be better than I was yesterday. Sometimes I am and sometimes I fail. Miserably. And EPICALLY! But I still get up.

I sent this letter to The Former Supposed Spouse today. And I'm sure there will be a shit storm when he gets it. And I'm sure that he will make all KINDS of assumptions about "the real reason" I'm done with him. And none of it will be correct. I need this for me. And no one else.

Monday, October 13, 2014

I can’t do this anymore.

I thought that I still loved you and that I could do this one more time – let you come home and try to rebuild our broken life and finally have our happily ever after, but I can’t. I’m just going through the motions. I tell you that I love you, but I know in my heart it’s not really true. Just like you do with me, I tell you what I know you want to hear so that we don’t have to fight and scream at each other all the time. I tell you that I plan on letting you come home, but I don’t. I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I do not want you here. I think it would be better for all of us – for _____, for _____, for you, for me……if you went and lived with them when you get out. I know that as far as _____ is concerned, I will always be the evil bitch that tore her family apart. I was the other woman, regardless of what your relationship with _____ was like at the time, you were there, you were part of their daily life and your relationship with me took that away from them. And while I don’t think ___ and I stood much of a chance with or without you in the picture, I’ll never know because I chose your addiction over his. Yours was a demon I knew how to deal with. He has demons I don’t even know what to call them. I feel like I robbed my son of a stable, consistent family life. And although I think he has adapted – sort of – I have a tremendous amount of guilt over that.

And I’m tired. I’m tired of arguing. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of the lies and trying to remember what I told you before because God forbid I say something different next time because you lay in wait just HOPING to catch me in a lie and beating me up with it day after day when you do. Yes, I have lied to you. Often. And often, badly. I’m not good at it. And I hate myself for doing it. I’m hurting you. And I’m sorry for that. And I take FAR too much delight in throwing your stupidity in your face. And I’m sorry for that too. Once in a great while, we do manage to have a civilized conversation, but those are rare. And they’re not about anything that matters, really. It’s the same old song and dance……”When I get home, I’m gonna……..” and you might try for a while and for a while, I believe that maybe things really have changed. And then it all just stops and pretty soon we’re right back where we started. You’re drunk and then you’re locked up. And we’ve been down this road enough times that I really don’t believe that it’s ever going to change. And if I don’t get myself out of this cycle now, the next time might just kill me.

Even all those years ago, I don’t think I chose to be with you because I really loved you. I think I was simply choosing between the lesser of two evils. At the time, I thought that was you. Having lived with this crap for the last 11 years – you’re here, you’re gone, you’re here, you’re gone – I’m not sure I made such a smart choice. If I really loved you, I wouldn’t have done all the things I have over the many times you’ve been gone.

And DO NOT get this twisted……..this has NOTHING to do with anyone else. This is me deciding to stand up for myself and what I need. It’s not about The Drunk Dialer or Mr. Minnesota or Super D or The New Guy or whoever else you think I’m sleeping with. This is what I want and what I need to feel normal again. You and I are toxic for each other. I know this because I am always happier, in general, when you are not around. I have sad moments when I do genuinely miss you. You have your moments when you can be my best friend. But when all I need is for someone to listen, you can’t do that. And of course I miss you, but that is simply because I miss having someone sleeping in the bed next to me. And when I think of all the hell we’ve put each other through, I keep coming to the same conclusion……we’d both be better off without each other.

I hope that you do finally get it together and do all the things that you’ve said you’re going to. You don’t need to do it for me. You need to do it for yourself and for your kids. THEY need you so much more than I do. I think maybe this time I’ve finally done enough damage that there is no going back. You’ll never be able to let it go and will always be throwing it in my face and rubbing it in and making me feel even worse than I already do. I don’t need that. Life is too fucking short to be miserable all the damn time.

And don’t worry about your fucking stuff. _____ has already assumed that everything yours is his so you can sort that out with him when you get back. I don’t want any of it besides what’s already in my or my mother’s name or what belonged to my dad. And call anyone you think you need to. I haven’t done anything wrong. So my house is a mess. It can be cleaned. My kids always have clean clothes, they are always fed, they get to school on time, and generally they’re pretty happy. The only thing that bothers them?? The fact that their FATHER has been ABSENT almost as much as he’s been present in their lives. And even when he WAS at home? Most of THAT time he was so drunk, he couldn’t participate in their lives anyway.

And if you’re going to call just to scream at me or threaten me or call me names or beat me up emotionally, just don’t. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I know what I’ve done. I know that makes me pure evil as far as you’re concerned. I don’t need to hear it over and over and over again.


I’m so done.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

So, The Nervous Breakdown.......

.......that has been coming for some time, finally happened today.

The mess with the addition, my mom, my kids, my job, the Former Supposed Spouse, Him.....

all of it........

It all finally boiled over this afternoon and much like the broken cruet of balsamic vinaigrette, came spilling out all over the kitchen floor. As I was cleaning up the mess with tears streaming down my face, I finally just gave up. And sat there. With the water running in the sink and the puddle of dressing growing every second and gave in to the tears and the emotions and just let it go........

I sat there for about 20 minutes before I was able to get up and shut the water off and clean up the mess.

My whole day was like that today. Every stinking thing I tried to do just turned to shit before my eyes. It started first thing this morning when I stopped to get coffee and only got half a damn cup!! And then, the drive through at McD's was FAR too long and I was running just late enough that I didn't get my biscuit either!! My co-worker was an angel though, and ran and got me a full cup of coffee.....should probably give him a gratitude tag later. He rocks.

I miss my mom.....the one who could remember things and not fly into a panic at the drop of a hat because she can't remember something or can't find something. It's coming faster than I was ready for. Not that I really think I was ready for this at all.

Kids will always be kids and maybe it's a pipe dream to think that I shouldn't have to constantly remind them that when the garbage cans are full to running over, they need to be taken out. And when the dishes are stacking up, maybe they need to be loaded into the dishwasher. Oh WAIT!! You CAN'T put them in the dishwasher because no one RAN the son of a bitch.

The Former Supposed Spouse calls and tries to help. And that just pisses me off more because there's NOTHING....not a GOD DAMNED THING.... he can do from where he's at except tell me what HE thinks I should do. I'm not an idiot. I can figure it out. When are you going to get that I don't need you to solve the fucking problem for me?? I just need someone to listen while I vent. And then, when I'm done venting, fuck me senseless. He can't do either at the moment.

And there are days when I desperately need it. And that's where He comes in. And I know I should just quit Him. And I told Him that. But I can't seem to. Because just like a damn addict, I keep running back for more.

You and tequila make me crazy
You run like poison in my blood
One more night could kill me baby
One is one too many
One more is never enough.
When it comes to you
Oh the damage I could do
It's always your favorite sins
Oh that do you in. 

"you're too much and I never get enough.......and......"
"I think you can figure out which three words come next."

to which he replies...

"goes without saying xoxo"


Thursday, October 2, 2014

Big Changes........

.......happen fast.

Most of you who have been reading along know that my mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. She is still able to take care of herself and cook for herself and drive herself around. And her memory is okay, most of the time. But I can see it slipping.

And it fucking scares the hell out of me. Already, she's not the same mom I have had for the last 40 some years. She worries more. She cries more. She's a little quicker to get irritated about things that, I think, aren't worth worrying or crying or getting irritated about. She always seems to think I'm mad at her about this or that and she always seems to think that I'm not happy with my life.

And while I try, REALLY FUCKING HARD, to not get angry and frustrated and irritated with her, there are days when I don't wear my mask particularly well. Because the truth of it is that I do have to tell her the same things three times in the same conversation. I do have to remind her 10 times that we have this to do on that day.......

It's time for her to move in with me. And to that end, we're building an addition on to my house that will have a nice big bedroom and a room for her scrapbooking and stamping and sewing and a bathroom with a walk-in tub and a nice little living room for her where she can have some privacy, but still be here where I can keep an eye on her. She gave me life, for goodness sake, I think it's the very least that I can do for her.

We met with the realtor on Tuesday. She showed the house on Wednesday and will be showing it again today. I suspect she will have it sold LONG before the addition is ready, so I'm sure things will get a little crowded around here for a while......lots of shuffling and shifting and finding places to store stuff.......

And that's just logistics.

What am I to do with all the rest of it? All the memories and emotional ties ...... I grew up in that house. The little bedroom in the back was pink from floor to ceiling for the better part of 16 years. It was the scene of countless slumber parties where we were continually shushed for giggling too much and making too much noise while dad was trying to sleep. I survived all those childhood milestones from lost teeth to lost virginity......holidays and birthdays and graduations and weddings.......how will anything be the same ever again?

Even though MY house has been my home for the last 14 years, HOME was always the little white house on the corner by the high school. And even though I moved out 30 seconds after I graduated from high school, it was always my safe haven, my soft place to fall. I only had to move back a couple times before I got it together......but it was always good to just know that it was there......that Mom and Dad were there.....if I ever needed them.

I'm an only child. Dad's been gone for almost two years. Now the house is going. And my Mom will gradually slip away from me before she goes to be with Dad ........

And I am suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of alone-ness that far surpasses any loneliness I've ever felt. And as hard as this is for me? I'm certain that it's 50 times harder for Mom. And that makes my heart hurt

Sunday, September 28, 2014

And Apparently, It's a Hunger......


.....food just won't fucking fix.

I probably already knew that. But, my overworked brain says to me, "Eat something. You'll feel better if you eat something!"

16 bread bites, four wings and a slice of pizza later? Nope.

Didn't fix it.

and I guess someone does still use Yahoo! Messenger.....

And I'm pretty sure I could wrap him around my finger with not a lot of effort. I did that once before. I won't do it again. Fairly confident I caused him pain. Real pain.....not the pain-in-the-ass because she won't fucking shut up kind of pain that I cause some people.......

But real pain. Heartbreak, even.

And I'm always stunned by that, when it happens. I'm not the kind of woman who wrecks hearts. I'm the kind of woman whose heart gets wrecked. And when it happens I always feel like one of those gawkers driving real slow past the scene of a fatal car crash........I could see the crash coming. I could say I did nothing to stop it, but I told him straight up I wasn't looking for a relationship. And I should have gotten out of the way of it but I didn't......

And there must be something in the water.......

I've seen a couple of posts from a couple of people....men people (Sweet Luscious, precisely)......that are so uncharacteristically......

what's the word I'm looking for here.....

unbitter? Is that it? hopeful, maybe?

......that I'm beginning to wonder if maybe we aren't living in The End Times after all.

#it'screepingmeout #stopitalready #whatthefuckisupwiththat 


Thursday, September 25, 2014

He's Like a Demon.......

.........who refuses to be exorcised........

Every time I think I'm done and over it, he does something sweet. Like send me this.....

 And tells me I'm an angel......

And this......

...to say what, exactly?

That He's my protector?? That He still has a shoulder for me when I need it? That's laughable. Wolves mate for life and only the Alphas get to have any fun. And while He may be the Alpha Male, I am decidedly NOT the Alpha Female. Oh, He's the Devil, I know it. And I do not know what it will take to cure myself of the fever he has created. And I do not know why I continue to waste tears over Him. I suspect He will be one of those people who just stick with me for the rest of my life. There's a couple of them.

And that makes me wonder if anyone still uses Yahoo! Messenger?? I logged back on today with my old Yahoo ID just to see. I had forgotten who all was in my contact list. Interesting..... I suppose not with the advent of Facebook and it's messaging app. And yes I know everyone is probably getting a little tired of me obsessing over Him. Him included. If He's really happy where He's at I should think He would just like me to fade quietly into the background and be done with it. But like those pennies He gave me so long ago, He just keeps turning up.

And judging from my stats today, someone is reading who hasn't before....I know this because of the page views clear back to March....and let me tell you, March was an interesting month. And so was April. And May. And even though I didn't write much over the summer, so was summer. And now that summer is over.......I don't know. And compared to some people, I know. My "problems" are minuscule and of my own creation. Melancholy has settled into my soul and I don't know how to get rid of it.

If you have suggestions......

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Changing Leaves, Apples, Football and Soup......

.......are just a few of my favorite things about fall.

And it always seems to sneak up on me. I never seem to know where the summer went. All of a sudden, the kids are going back to school, the leave are changing and falling, and it's dark by dinner time.

It is my favorite time of year. The weather becomes less extreme and warm days with still a hint of summer fade into crisp nights. I like to leave the windows open and throw and extra blanket on my bed. I also LOVE that our local television station has Weather Rookie Wednesday where they choose a cutie patootie from one of the elementary schools to do the weather on the morning news. Very cool.

While I'm not the biggest fan of pumpkin (see the Hey, It's Okay Tuesday post) some things pumpkin are awesome.

Pumpkin pie with a ton of whip cream.....

pumpkin cake with a thick layer of cream cheese frosting.....

even pumpkin cheesecake is all right.

I still maintain that not everything should be offered in pumpkin spice flavor.

Apples. I *LOVE* apples......

crisp, tart, sweet, baked in a pie, steeped in wine, baked whole, made into sauce or butter or jelly or juice......










But my absolute favorite??
Dipped in caramel with some flaky sea salt.........YUM!

Fall is football season and I love it all......from the littlest dudes to the pros......football is awesome!! And even though I am so disappointed that my beloved, gorgeous Jared Allen #69 is now playing for the Bears? I am still, and will forever remain, a Minnesota Vikings fan. And my Jared Allen jersey is now a collectors' item, right??


And if someone wants to buy me these slippers, I wouldn't say no!!


Last but not least, cooler weather means soup for supper. There are few things more satisfying and healing and warming than a nice big bowl of scratch made soup. I love to smell it cooking all day long....beef barley, potato, beef stew, chicken noodle......I have to admit that's on my top ten list of things I do miss about The Former Supposed Spouse......his potato soup is beyond delicious! He cooks a ton of bacon until it's crispy and then uses the drippings to make a roux.......SO good!


And this was supposed to be a Wordless Wednesday post with all the pictures.......but I just can't help myself from rambling on.....

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday.....

I keep forgetting that it's Tuesday.....

.....it's okay to NOT like Pumpkin Spice Absolutely EVERYTHING. Some things were just not meant to be Pumpkin Spice flavored.

.....it's OKAY to not like to get up early (5:30 a.m.!!!!) and go to your exercise class. Just remember how much better you feel when you do.

.....it's OKAY to enjoy an evening out once in a while. Just make sure you have a designated driver. Yes, Mr. Minnesota, I know. I should have called you BEFORE the cop offered me a ride home instead of after.

.....it's OKAY to crank the music up and just jam. To hell with what the neighbors think. Music soothes the savage soul. Loud music does it SO MUCH better! Loud rock 'n roll does it the very best of all!!

.....it's OKAY to obsess every once in a while......about lots of things......even people.....even new and interesting people...even people you probably shouldn't be obsessing about....and maybe even some you should. 'Cause you never know....the new and interesting might be better for you than the old and familiar. You just can't live there. It will eat you alive......

Should get this in just under the wire. It's still Tuesday where I live!

Have a great Wednesday, y'all!!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Once Again It's Midnight......

......and I am far, FAR too distracted by things I have no business being distracted by......

......entertaining notions that no good can come of......

But the Bat-Shit Crazy Woman in me still chooses to do so....

And this one? This One wouldn't probably end any better than the last one. And the Big Bad Former Supposed Spouse (yes, you should hear the sarcasm dripping from that statement) would have plenty to say about This One also, I'm sure.........

.....and so I wait and I wonder......

.....and once again I don't sleep......

I'm A Girl........

.......and I have girl parts. And they try to kill me on occasion.

That may be overstating it just a tad.......one of my girl parts tried to kill me. The rest just make me so miserable once a month that I wish for death......or for the alien baby that has taken up residence in my uterus to just - burst forth - already.

I will be 44 in a couple of months.

The Change is beginning.

And let me tell you, I am barely just beginning this delightful adventure and I'm already not a fan.

I don't like waking up in the middle of the night soaking wet to such a degree that I not only have to change whatever I'm sleeping in, but also have to change the bedding and blow dry my hair because the Night Sweats Monster has struck.

I don't like flushing from the neck to the top of my head and having to have paper towels handy at all times to mop the sweat from my face and neck because the Hot Flash Demon has invaded my body.

I don't like not knowing when shark week is going to commence. For the last 7 years, ever since I had myself fixed, it has come every 28 days like clockwork. Now, it might be 28 days it might be 40 days. It might be 10 days. And it may continue for more than 7 days. THAT'S always a treat.

It's also a treat to not know (or at least not realize) why, at the drop of a hat, I'm bawling and then five minutes later a raging bitch and then a few minutes later completely sweet and loving and on top of the world.  And the next day be so fucking exhausted I don't feel like I have the energy it would require to turn over so I COULD get out of bed, let alone actually GET OUT of it. And then Jaws shows up and the light bulb goes off and it all makes sense.

And don't even get me started on the on/off/turbo switch that is my sex drive. It is, then it isn't, then it's out of control......and I'm not exactly complaining about it (other than the current lack of outlets for it) but a slightly more even keel would be, better. Maybe.

Perhaps it is time to visit the gyne squad and see if replacement hormones are in order.

Meantime, I have some reading to do......

Perimenopause......

Menopause.....


Thursday, September 18, 2014

Son Of A.......

.....bitch!! There are days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed, let alone leave the fucking house.

Bad news on Facebook this morning. More on the radio today - all day every hour on the hour.......

And then, to cap off the shit fest yesterday was......my best friend goes to jail!!

The total and complete unfairness of life makes me want to KILL SOME SHIT!! The going to jail thing was our own stupid fault. We knew better. And I feel bad because she was driving my drunk ass home.

But the other two items?

My heart is breaking. My stomach is in knots. I was SO NOT in the mood for the lecture from The Former Supposed Spouse.......like he can talk about being stupid when you're drunk......13 TIMES!!!

I found a dirt road and got lost for a little while this afternoon. Got just about eaten alive by vicious mosquitoes. Something about physical labor clears a persons head a little. Watching big, strong, men at work is always good. And many hands make light work. And now I have some wood for my little fire pit in the back yard.

I know I'm stating the obvious........but.....

Brain tumors absolutely BLOW when they dare to take fabulous people from this planet.

And child molesters should be strung up in the town square and stoned to death.

I hate them both.

That is all.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Overnight Guests........

.......when you're used to sleeping alone is......well......interesting.

He spent the night. A rare occurrence these days. And I don't remember being annoyed by it before. In fact, quite the opposite. I was really getting used to the snuggling all night long, legs all tangled up arms wrapped around each other, my head on his chest.....he doesn't even snore all that bad. And I can smell him for days after he's gone.......not a bad smell.....just a man smell......musky, mixed with cars and kitchen and tobacco......

And when He works his magic, finding a dry space to sleep is sometimes a challenge. And I get not wanting to sleep there because it's cold after a while. Kind of like when you crawl out of a lake in the middle of the night......it's nice while you're in the water, but when you come out, it's fucking freezing. And, done right, I can make a fucking lake......

But this last time, I don't know. I SO wanted Him to stay and was SO glad that he did. But as I was trying to sleep in a foot of bed space and damn near falling off the edge and not being able to sprawl out as I have become accustomed to........I was getting.......I dunno........a little irritated.

I finally woke his ass up and made him move over because by this time, it's 4 a.m. and the alarm is gonna ring at 6:30 a.m. and it's Sunday so I have to go to work. Granted, not until 11, but I still have to get up and dressed and go out into public.

****sigh****

I miss those Saturday mornings when we would just snuggle in and snooze until almost noon. Sip coffee and watch t.v. and make out and just.......be. Together. Usually listening to the rain fall outside. I miss the Friday nights before the Saturday mornings. I miss the Wednesday nights......and the occasional other nights.......Memorial Day weekend........

Like I said. I was getting used to it, even beginning to look forward him being there and the bed seemed so empty without him. And was starting to think that maybe he would be here more nights than he wasn't.

Because when you tell some one you love them isn't that usually what happens??

Monday, September 15, 2014

Notes From The Ride To Work.......

I know I don't live in a place where I can say with a straight face that I have a "morning commute" to work. I have a drive. A short one, at that. From one side of town to the other, and, that amounts to about 3 miles....maybe.

Even so, there are a number of red lights that I must stop at and every once in a while as I'm sitting there (usually wondering how SO MANY idiots have licenses to drive) some other random thoughts occur to me. I seldom have a chance to write them down while I'm driving and I rarely - if ever - remember said thoughts when I get to a place where I can safely write them down.

Today for whatever reason, I felt I could take a moment and speak my thought into the notepad function on my phone to save for later.......
Why is it that the day you have to be somewhere early is always the day the child misses the bus? And then, there's always drop-off drama, and THEN, I left the house with neither my coffee nor my cigarettes so I HAVE TO stop and get some or I will be killing some shit today!
Wednesday has always been my day to go in early. My boss is usually gone to the other store and so I come in to do the deposit and open the store for the day. I usually leave shortly after the last kid gets on the bus and that puts me at work - usually with a bacon egg and cheese biscuit and an iced coffee - by 8:30 at the latest. Well, today The Boy missed the bus. So, instead of going right to work, I had to detour to his school first. And of course, at 8:15 in the morning, I am not the only parent who is dropping off a kid at school. And any of you who have had to drop your kids off at school know that there's a rhythm to these things.....there's a certain etiquette, if you will, that should be followed in order to avoid any drop-off drama.

For example....if you are the first car in the drop off line, pull ALL THE WAY up to the front of the drop off zone so that others can easily pull in behind you and not have to worry about your precious little angels flinging open their door in front of us. And when you are first in line, and I have off loaded my darlings before you do, I will wait, somewhat patiently, for you to pull out and be on your merry way since you are, after all, first in line. So don't get all pissy and screech away because I waited for you instead of cranking my wheel in order to pull out ahead of you. Yes, I see your blinker. Yes, I know what it means. Yes, I will wait for you. Just GO already!!

And yes, my patience for Drop-Off-Drama is somewhat diminished by the fact that, as I mentioned, I left the house with neither coffee nor cigarettes so please, appreciate the fact that I have exercised ENORMOUS restraint in not jumping out of my vehicle to beat you severely about the head and neck.

Have a nice day!! Jackass!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

I'm Hurting.......

.......physically, worse than I have in a very long time.

The last time I remember being in this much pain was right before they diagnosed my hemochromatosis in 2000. What the hell is hemochromatosis, you ask? The layman's term for it is "iron overload." It's a genetic mutation that causes your body to absorb too much iron from the food you eat. Sort of the opposite of anemia, it can cause some serious troubles with you heart and your liver and your pancreas.

One of the most common - and for me, the most troublesome - symptom was the unbeLIEVEable, overwhelming, total and complete exhaustion. I couldn't GET enough sleep.....I could sleep around the clock, get up for an hour and then be ready to go back to bed and sleep around the clock AGAIN. At the time I got my diagnosis, I was working full time and was using up my sick leave faster than I could earn it. My employer had issues with just simply not paying me for the hours I missed, so near the end of my employment there, in order to be able to say I was "at work" I would have to lie down on the floor under my desk periodically during the day and take a nap.

My hands reached a point where they hurt so badly and were so weak, I could no longer type or 10-key or even hold a pen. I couldn't focus for more than a few minutes at a time. Since I was working in a field that required a great deal of attention to detail.......well, I didn't last there much longer.

And I'm sure that the folks I worked for thought I was just being a wuss or over dramatic or lazy or whatever they thought I was being......what they didn't believe was that I was really sick. And it wasn't until after I left my employment there that I actually got a diagnosis. My local doctor sent me to a rheumatologist in Billings where they did all the blood work and the physical exam and were able to rule out rheumatoid arthritis. They then did the actual genetic study to see if I had the mutation for hemochromatosis. In fact I did. And when I found that out, I also found out that several of my male relatives on my dad's side also had it.

And you won't believe the cure for it.......with all our modern medical miracles and new treatments every day and a new pill to try every day.....the cure for Hemo???

Bloodletting.

I know, right? They don't call it that anymore.....they call it "therapeutic phlebotomy" but that's exactly what it is. And you can accomplish this two ways - go to the clinic and let them hook you up to a tube and bottle and drain off a pint every two or three weeks. Or, go to the Red Cross once a month and donate blood.

Or, you can cure it like I did. I got pregnant and my first born son just sucked all that extra iron right out of me. And, I have had normal iron levels ever since.

The joint damage still remains. My liver doesn't function quite as efficiently as it should and my kidneys give me trouble every now and again. And I have been fighting with that exhaustion for the last week. And the pain has been getting steadily worse over the last couple weeks. And I'm not sure if it's a fibromyalgia flare (because the weather was so pissy all last week) or if it's my iron levels run amok again. If it doesn't change here in the next couple days, I guess I'll have to go get my iron levels checked.

Something's gotta give because living this way? In bed all day every day? Just doesn't work for me anymore.


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Just When You Think........

.......you might be losing your mo-jo and that new someone just isn't interested.......

All of sudden in the middle of the night when you are sound asleep because your night time ding biscuits kicked your ass and actually let you sleep for a change......

........text messages........

And, all of a sudden, first thing this morning.......

.......naughty pictures.........

Not from the same person.

And I don't know why you people gotta torture me so........

(And don't let me fool you, I kinda love it.....)

But a crappy morning is suddenly looking "up" a little bit....

Happy Hump Day, y'all!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

"Where Were You.......

........when the world stopped turning on that September day??"

I was hitting the snooze button for about the 900th time when my then husband came in at 7:04 to tell me that I had to get up and come out to the living room and see what was happening in New York.....

And I remember being irritated with him and I remember rambling grumpily as I was walking out to the living room "Why do I have to know what is happening in New York when all I really want to do is sleep just a little bit longer and I can because I took my shower last night and why are you bug........"

And I stopped in the middle of my sentence......

And I stood still for a moment.......

And I sank into the arm of the sofa.......

Because what had just happened in New York was that Flight 175 had just crashed into the South Tower of The World Trade Center. Seventeen minutes earlier, Flight 11 had crashed into the North Tower. And one plane, one tower....maybe that's an accident. But two? Into each of the towers? No. That's no accident.

And I don't remember much else that morning. I was late getting to work because I was glued to my television set. I remember getting to work and someone came over the intercom asking all of us to gather in the lobby and standing in a circle and holding hands and praying for all those people.....

The clearest memory I have of that day is how beautiful it was......the sky was a vibrant blue without a single cloud and the leaves on the trees were just beginning to change and there wasn't even a breath of a breeze...it was a beautiful here as it was there......and in Washington......and in that field in Pennsylvania. And it was such a contrast between the beauty of the day and the ugliness of what was happening.

Every generation has one of these days........

For my grandparents, it was a Sunday morning in December 1941. They would both talk about where they were when they received the news that the Japanese had just bombed Pearl Harbor nearly into oblivion....

For my parents, it was a Friday afternoon in November 1963. Shots rang out in Dealy Plaza in Dallas as President John F. Kennedy's motorcade passed through it on their way to a luncheon at the Dallas Trade Mart. My mother was a junior in high school. She remembers school being released early that day because no one - students and teachers alike - could keep their focus on anything beyond the shock and grief they were feeling.

For me, there have bee two such days. September 11, 2001, of course.

But the first one was January 28, 1986.

I was a freshman in high school sitting in English class - Literature of Conflict and Survival, ironically enough - when Mrs. Snoddy, the attendance lady came to the door with a note for Mr. Schmaing. He paused for a moment, read the note, raised his eyebrows, and then looked up at all of us. "I don't know if any of you care, but the Space Shuttle Challenger just blew up."

And I and the rest of my classmates just kind of sat there in stunned silence. Because this shuttle mission was kind of a big deal. Christa McAuliffe, a social studies teacher from New Hampshire, was on board to teach the very first "Lesson from Space." Mr. Schmaing remained silent for a moment......and then resumed class. I don't know about any of my classmates, but that news stayed with me throughout the rest of the day. A kind of sick feeling in the pit of my stomach....

And as it nears September 11 once again, the documentaries are rerun and I watch all of them. Somewhere inside, I guess I secretly hope that the ending will somehow change......that those towers won't fall, that all those people will get out safely, that the last plane would land safely and the hijackers be arrested instead of crashing into that field in Pennsylvania........

But it doesn't.

And then I wonder what will my children's day be? And I hope and I pray that they don't have one.


Thursday, September 4, 2014

One Look At My Post List........

.......I think would be all any shrink would need to confirm a diagnosis of adult ADHD for me....

Consider this quote.....


"Doing the dishes, and every other chore at the same time. (Good thing I'm vacuuming now because I found everything the kids stuffed under the sofa and … Wait a minute, did I feed the goldfish? Oh hey, I need to look up that one thing on the Internet about fish tanks … and maybe I'll just top off the fish tank with some water in the kitchen and … OMG THE DISHES! THE SINK IS OVERFLOWING! Wait, where did I put the goldfish?)"



The text and the picture are taken from an article posted here......titled "29 Things Only a Person with ADHD Would Understand" by Katy Rollins. (You can also read her blog at 18channels.com or follow her on Twitter @18Channels.)

And they explain - perfectly - why my house is in such a perpetual state of chaos, with tiny pockets of tidiness.....because just the thinking about where to start and what to do first and in order to do that first I have to do this and.......is enough to stall me out so that nothing ever gets done. The hyperactivity of my thoughts is more than enough to short circuit ANY activity in my body and the whole system just shuts down.

And also why my list of unfinished posts grows daily - because some random thought pops into my head and I get maybe four or five sentences written on said random thought before the next random thought comes along and I have to write a little something about that oh and this next thought would relate perfectly to that one and that reminds me.......

........and so on and so on and so on until I have as many "draft" posts as published posts. The same is true of my crafting "cabinet" (which is less like a cabinet at it is an entire ROOM in my home.....and is spilling out into other rooms of my home which reminds me I need to go through the boxes upstairs and get rid of some things. And Jesus Mary and Joseph it's gonna be a BITCH when they start the addition because everything stashed in the cubby hole under the pantry is gonna have to be moved and now that the monstrosity of an upright freezer is in front of the opening I have NO IDEA how I'm going to get at it........

......you see what I'm up against?

I don't sleep well. Is it any wonder with all of that racket going on in my brain at any given moment?! This racket, coupled with my alter ego "Anxiety Girl" (able to leap to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound) it is truly miraculous that I get any sleep at all OR manage to complete the occasional task. Of the 29 things listed in the article, I identify with every single ONE of them to varying degrees of severity.

I'm not sure how long this has been a part of my life......my teachers would ALWAYS say that "Lana could do so much better if she would only apply herself" or "Lana just cannot seem to use her time wisely enough" and I remember so many hallway conversations with teachers and professors who were going to give me
"one last chance!"

..........I dunno.......maybe it's worth looking into. However, I refuse to take yet another pill and the very thought of trying to find even ONE hour a week in a schedule I can't seem to find a way to fuckin' stick to as it is??

.......da da da DAAA!! Anxiety Girl to the rescue!!!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Hey It's Okay Tuesday.....

Wow, two Tuesdays have come and gone and I haven't posted anything......

I'm struggling to find things to be okay with today. There's a lot going on that I'm NOT okay with, but I'll give it a shot....

......it's okay to let two Tuesdays  pass without a Hey It's Okay post. Life gets busy. Last Tuesday was the last day of summer vacay for The Little Dudes. They went back to school Wednesday.

.....it's okay to be doing cartwheels because The Little Dudes are back in school. I think Grandma is as well.

.....it's okay to be "in a funk" once in a while. I am right now. I dunno why, exactly. But I am. And this, too, shall pass.

.....it's okay to just want your toilet paper to be soft and not care if the company that produces it is Democrat or Republican. (See story about this here......) Although, since my beloved Angel Soft is manufactured by Koch Industries, I may have to rethink that.

.....finally, it's just okay to NOT be okay with things. Life can't be sunshine and roses all the time. The clouds will clear eventually and the rainbow will appear. Just remember to pack your umbrella!

Have a fanTAStic Tuesday, all. Welcome back to work!

Monday, September 1, 2014

I Should Really Have My Own Season.....

.......of The Surreal Life.......

Couple of observations on yesterday..... (been a few days now.....you may or may not have noticed, I have a tendency to start things and then not finish......)

The first is that one has to be more careful, apparently, when using sarcasm. Not everyone is as fluent in it as I am and when the sarcasm is in a Facebook post or a text message, the obvious tone and inflection is glaringly absent. One does not have the vocal cues available when speaking so recipients of said text messages sometimes take you seriously. (No, I am not pregnant nor am I in any kind of secret relationship. With Mr. Minnesota or anyone else for that matter. It was just a joke. A bad one, maybe, I'll grant you. But nonetheless, just a joke.)

And talk about a Throwback Thursday...

Remember the guy I was talking about here.......?? The Smooth Operator?

Yes? Well, I've been invited to spend a weekend in Vegas with him. His treat, even. And I've never been to Vegas. And it's been a long time since I've seen him. And I know it would be fun.....

Who am I kidding.....it would be fucking amazing! He's a twisted little biscuit, too. I trust that he will take good care of me and get me home in one piece. More or less. I think. So.....

What is my hesitation? An entire weekend of hedonistic adventure.......my Inner Goddess is doing cartwheels over the idea, because She remembers.....way back before I was even aware of Her existence......his.....capabilities.....

And now that my own capabilities have become more fully developed.......I can just imagine ...... and I have been imagining......over and over and over again....driving myself to distraction, imagining!!!

Sun.......warm......sex.....fun......new places....more sex........

No worries, Smooth Operator......I've just about talked myself into it. Just a question of when....

In a Minnesota Frame of Mind.......

So, I've made a few trips to Minnesota over the years.

I have family there....one of Dad's brothers and my fabulous cousin....(we are both SO Etta Mae's granddaughters it's not even funny!!) Spent a couple of Christmases there....I still have a scar on my forehead from one of those trips......I had an unfortunate meeting with a glass coffee table and required a trip to the emergency room and I think about six stitches.

And I suppose there are some long lost vestiges of my Grandma Avis's family left there.....Thief River Falls, to be exact. It's on my bucket list. I've researched it a bit and it looks like a beautiful place. Roots. Roots are important. Knowing where yours are and I think going there - to touch and to feel the places from which you come is.....grounding.....in a way few other things are.

And I've been thinking a lot about Minnesota lately. I want to orchestrate another "escape" to Minnesota, this time to visit my fabulous cousin and have my other completely fabulous cousin from Kentucky meet me there and......I dunno.....PAR-TAY!! Raise a ruckus....drink wine....be silly....be women.....and be friends again.

........

........

Kind of in a funk today.......not sure why......

I'm lonesome.......

I'm restless.......

I'm tired......

I'm craving something but I dunno exactly what. It's no one thing or even one person exactly....

.........

Mr. Minnesota........I wish I could run away to Minnesota and hide out with him again for two weeks. That was nice. He was nice. He still is nice. But he's not very.......available.....lately. And he's being awfully cagey about why......I miss his company. We have a physical ...... I dunno if I would call it a relationship ..... but we've been known to hook up on occasion. And I miss that, definitely. But he's been my friend for a long time and he's so easy to talk to. He probably wishes I wouldn't share QUITE so much.....but I can talk to him like I can talk to one of my girlfriends and I appreciate his guy perspective. And I almost miss that more than the other......

Almost.....

And then there's the New Guy. The one I thought was maybe kinda possibly going somewhere.....

I put him on a bus a while ago, thinking he would be back before the summer was over. Thinking there would maybe be campfires and midnight drives to the lake or the mountains....or just chilling at the house watching a movie....

And then he didn't come back. Not his fault, really. He got left. But, he kinda landed on his feet. He got a job. And I know that not having one was something that weighed on him while he was here. And I miss him. And I would be so happy to see him come back. But, I am after all, a down ass chick.....so, if he's happy where he's at, then I'm just happy for him. And I wouldn't blame him if he just stayed where he's at.....

And, maybe a trip to South Dakota would be nice.....

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Kinda Felt A Little Guilty.......

........until, of course, he opened his mouth.


These were mysteriously delivered to my house last night. The Former Supposed Spouse was behind it. And I am going to try to get through this without sounding like a completely heartless bitch, although, I'm thinking that's exactly what I'm going to be accused of being.....but anyway....here goes.

The Former Supposed Spouse calls, nearly everyday, sometimes twice a day. And I get that he's lonely and miserable and in a lonely, miserable place and that he loves me and that I'm like the one person in the world he wants to talk to everyday more than anyone else on the planet. I'm not sure that's how he SHOULD feel, but that's what it is.......

And that's a helluva lot of pressure for one person.....it's quite a high standard to live up to, being some one's everything......a standard I've fallen far short of since his unfortunate incarceration. I won't bore you all to death with a recounting of my many and varied sins. If you've been following along at all, you already know.

Sometimes, I just need a night off.......a night to just......"disappear" for a while. To not be any one's anything. To just ..... be. And I did. I took the kids to grandma's and, well, disappeared. And I let the calls go to voice mail.....

And while I was "disappeared" The Former Supposed Spouse orchestrated this.....well, I'm sure he thinks it's some grand romantic gesture....that I should be wildly impressed at his ability to pull it off despite his unfortunate incarceration. And I guess I should appreciate the effort. And I do.

It's just that.....well......after being together for 10 plus years you would think he would remember that I'm not a huge fan of red roses. Stargazer lilies are, in fact, my favorite. And the fact that he HAS TO accomplish this despite his unfortunate incarceration is enough to send me over the edge. At this point, it would be MORE romantic - for me anyway - if I could beat him over the head with the damn things, scatter the petals over the bed and then fuck on top of them. And not necessarily him!!

And I kinda felt a little bad, this morning, because when I came home last night, I didn't even go upstairs. I went to directly to bed. And when The Former Supposed Spouse called first thing this morning, he of course was looking for all kinds of props and atta-boys for something I didn't even know about yet. And he, of course, was all butt hurt because he wasn't getting the appropriate amount of gratitude from me. And so, the feeling sorry for him lasted all of about 12 seconds. And then I was pissed. Pretty flowers and pretty words and pretty promises and pretty rings........and they all mean about the same thing.....

NOTHING!!

And they don't even smell pretty!!!

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Yes, I Work Retail......

.......but that doesn't mean you can treat me like some subservient piece of crap.

I have worked in the retail/customer service/human service field at various jobs with various levels of exposure to the general public all of my adult life.....and even before my adult life because my working life began at 16 with my first job at McDonald's. Back when they still made you wear the polyester monstrosity of a uniform.....   Yes. I am, in fact, that old.

And I have run across some doozies for customers in all these years from all walks of life...but there's always a common theme.....

They all seem to hold the belief that because my "title" includes the word "service" that somehow translates to "servant" and I am therefore required to kiss your ass or step and fetch for you or put up with your abusive, albeit colorful, language. Let me assure you, dear customer, I am not.

And so, the following is a list of things that I may or may not have experienced myself in the retail world that you really just shouldn't subject your customer service professional to EVER.....

1. And I CANNOT stress this enough......you really should not throw things at your customer service person. Never. Not ever. Because chances are, you will be thrown out of the store. I will have a smile on my face while I'm doing it and I will tell you to have a nice day, but I will not be happy to see you again.

2. You are not allowed to call your service person names, no matter how stupid or lazy or crazy YOU think they are being. Because chances are, the problem you are experiencing is one of your own creation. (You mean to tell me that if I don't pay my credit card bill, they will close my line of credit?!) Um, yes, and welcome to the wonderful world of credit cards. You charge things, you pay the bill. It's really that simple.

3. You are not allowed to get pissed off at me becuase my corporate office (in THEIR infinite wisdom - which is another blog post all by itself) will not allow me to stock my shelves with things *I* know will sell, but instead only sends my what *they* think my store will sell. And NO STORE stocks EVERY part for EVERY gadget they sell. Replacement parts have to be ordered. That's just how it is. Get used to it.

4. You - and I know this is hard to believe - are NOT my only customer. While you are having decision making issues, I have ten other people waiting who already know what they want and also believe that THEY are my ONLY customer. So as much as I would LOVE to hold your hand while you decide if you want red or black cherry or metallic silver or just plain old white because YOU have taken the entire afternoon off for your shopping adventure, I have shit to do today.

5. You are not allowed to leave a mess in the dressing room. I don't expect you to put your items back where they belong on the floor, but I do expect you to at least make an effort to put them back on the hanger or folded neatly on the bench......NOT balled up in a bunch and shoved underneath said bench or strewn all over the floor. I don't care what you do at home, I am not your mother and I have neither the time NOR the inclination to clean up after your entitled ass.

6. If you put something in your cart in one area of the store and take it to another area of the store and then decide not to buy it after all, you are not allowed to just put it down anywhere you feel like. Take it back to where you found it. At the very least, take it back to the service desk IN that department. Please. And thank you.

7. And on the same theme as number 6, all the shirts that were folded neatly in a stack look EXACTLY the same. Please DO NOT unfold every single one of them! Please, just don't.

8. Poor planning on your part does not constitute and emergency on mine. If you don't pay your power bill, then yes, the power company does have the right to turn your power off. Regardless of the time of year. We all struggle from time to time and I have been "low-income" myself. However, just because you are low enough income to qualify for some assistance, that doesn't mean you don't still have to be responsible. Grow up. And welcome to the real world.

9. Finally.....tip your cook. If you are in a restaurant and you are served a good meal, yes, tip your server of course. But also remember that your server did not PREPARE your tasty food. A whole other completely separate person did that. So tip them, too. There are a few in this small town who are extraordinarily good at what they do and deserve to be recognized. Sweet Luscious employs a few of them. So does the Uncle. And Andy. And the Greek.

Oh and I would add.....if you're going to bring your children shopping or to appointments with you please for the love of Mike keep them on a leash - so to speak. Because Jesus, Mary and Joseph they don't pay me enough to look after them for you!

If you can't keep all these rules of mine in mind - I know, it's a good sized list - just remember The Golden Rule and treat your service person as you would like to be treated. I'm fairly certain YOU don't want to be cussed at or hung up on or have things thrown at you, right? So why in the HELL would  you think I want to put up with it??

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

People Seem To Think I've Lost My Mind.......

.........when in fact, exactly the opposite is true.

And let me amend that just a titch......SOME people think I've lost my mind.




I will grant you that sometimes, I write about some crazy shit. But that's only because in my life? Some kinda  crazy stupid shit happens every SINGLE DAY!!

And if I didn't DO SOMETHING with all that crazy shit, it would eat me alive from the inside out. And I really would lose my mind. And the men with the flashy white coats with the big ass buckles would be coming to haul me away.

Which I gotta say, on days when the bat-shit crazy stuff is coming from all directions (and maybe even another dimension or two) those flashy white coats with the big ass buckles don't really sound all that bad. I'm fond of the saying "I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I so richly deserve." An extended "vacation" in a secure facility (yeah, that means I can't get out but it ALSO means no one can get IN), medicated to such a degree that I don't have to think about anything??? I dunno. Sounds good to me some days.

There are more people LIKE me than not. There are more people who have equally crazy shit going on in their lives than not. And because I choose to share my mess, the message becomes that you can get through anything because I did. Do I ALWAYS follow my own advice? Do I always stop doing stupid people shit when I say I should?? Oh HELL to the NO!!

Some things.................well, some things are just too good to live without no matter how much it hurts afterwards.

Ten years of clamping a hand over my mouth and biting my tongue and not saying what I want to say and doing bad things and trying to keep those things a secret? Is enough already. I'm done being a door mat. I'm done letting people  - at least the people who come and go in my life - do and say and ask for shitty things without being called on it. You've heard the expression " jus' sayin'". Well, that's exactly what I'm doing. Jus' sayin' all OVER the place. I have simply reached a point in my life at which I no longer give a flying fig what people in general think of me. I am who I am and I live my life the way I live my life. And I choose to share it with the world and you know what???

I may indeed have lost my mind, but I've also found my voice.

Some people say I'm airing my dirty laundry, but I say I'm exorcising my demons.

I'm not hiding from who I am, I'm finding my true self - flaws and kinks and twists and all.


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday.....

This is a blog meme that my blogger friend over at Airing My Dirty Laundry is hosting. Just like Succinctly Yours, only it's on Tuesday. And you make a list of things it's OK to be okay with.

Ah-hem. I think maybe my lists of things to be okay about might possibly maybe sometimes be a little more risque than should be tackled here in this link, so, for the sake of my dignity (what there is left of it...) I shall try to keep it PG.......13.....+......

And this week's It's Okay list is dedicated to my very best friend, Miss T........I'm worried about you my girl. And just like you wish I could see myself through your eyes? I wish you could see yourself through mine. We are both amazing, vibrant, beautiful, strong, self-possessed, vital and determined women.

It's okay......

......to sometimes feel fat and ugly. But, like I was telling you last night, you can't live there. You don't fit the profile for "Fat and Ugly-town" anyway my girl. You never have. And you never will!

......to do dumb things. Once in a while. Learn from them. Try not to do them over and over again. Don't beat yourself to death over them. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move the hell along. To the next one. Because, if nothing else, dumb things done make for GREAT stories later......

......to feel a little insecure from time to time. But you can't live there, either. Because, once again, you are far too fabulous - we are ALL far too fabulous - to let a few extra pounds or being a couple years older rain on our Fruit Loop parade. 40 is fecking fabulous.......BELIEVE that!!

......to worry about your kids.......and other people's kids......and how all those kids might affect a future relationship. You need to decide now, before the kids get involved, if someone else's kids are a deal breaker. Because I will tell you this....if a kid bonds with you and then you break up? It will be 10 times harder on them than on you.

.....to have some cocktails and be crazy....in fact, I recommend such behavior on a regular basis.

And when all else fails, just ditch the boys. They will always come and go. But girlfriends?? Girlfriends are forever.

Every Once In A Very Blue Moon........

.........I come across people who actually WANT to be a feature story here in my little psychodrama. So much so that he actually gave HIMSELF a nick name........

Meet Sweet Luscious.......I suggested Big Sexy, because, well, he is, but he insisted, so okay. You win, Sweet Luscious, you sexy beast, you!

I have to admit, I don't have much to write about. Yet. Last night was fun, but there were far too many people around. Some suggestions for developing stories were tossed about last night....and are still being talked about this morning......but no actions were taken. Sweet Luscious was a little distracted last night, but who knows what the future may hold.

For now I'll just say this......

He's fun. He's funny. He's kinda cute. I'm interested. And my imagination is running wild. You know where to find me. Hit me up. Give me some good stories to tell! Wink wink.

Oh, and that thing that's happening the first weekend in October?? You are so invited......

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Succinctly Yours Week 178


Sadly, Felix could only hope the hateful stares he fixed upon his careless human would somehow cause him to fall through the window, thus ending his squishy exile.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

I HATE the term "BFF".........

.......but I have one girlfriend that truly is a "best friend forever."

Allow me to introduce you to my friend T......


We first met in junior high. I was in 7th grade, she was in 8th and we were both members of the Masonic service organization for young women called Rainbow. Our Mother Advisor Mrs. Mercer is probably rolling over in her grave because of the outfits we are wearing in this picture....that's a silver brocade corset I have on and we are both wearing thigh-high patent "leather" boots (the kinky boots, if you recall). But I digress.....

Ever since junior high, T and I have been close friends. Not as close as some of my other friends, but we kept in touch over the years as to what we were doing and where we were and how are the kids and blah blah blah.....

Her life has taken her to some amazing places and she's accomplished some amazing things (She made a movie....a MOVIE!! It's called The Virgin Murders and you can buy it here. It's awesome. Check it out.)

She's lived in cities from coast to coast and even spent a little more than a year in Scotland. And now she's back. In our hometown. Doing whatever she had to to get her daughter on a better path and give her a better life.

I have always admired her. She's always been......different from the rest of us. She has a style all her own and is not afraid to show it, nor is she concerned at all about what people think. She is beautiful. She is strong. She is amazing. And I have often wished I could be more like her.......

Since she has been back here, we have been spending a lot of time together. We work together - well, we work at the same place and once in a while we get to work together. In fact, it's largely because of her that I have my job. She recommended me to my boss. She's been my standing Friday night date for the last few months....sometimes Wednesdays too. And, while sometimes those evenings out have ended in a drunken mess, lots of times, there were some amazing conversations......

It is largely because of Miss T that I have found my inner strength again. Because when she first found me right after The Former Supposed Spouse made his untimely exit, I was a mess. I was completely convinced that I was completely unlovable, that no one would ever want me again, that I was the sole cause of The Former Supposed Spouse's troubles.......I was fat and ugly and stupid and this was the best my life was ever going to be.

She convinced me otherwise. There have been more than a few tear-filled evenings. And through all those tears, she helped me to discover again what I have probably always known.....and maybe just forgotten.....

I am beautiful. I am stronger than I think I am. Not only am I able to work, but I am a valuable employee. I am a good mother. I have something to offer the world. And here's the kicker......I'm allowed to do dumb things once in a while. I'm allowed to make dumb decisions and dumb choices and fall in love with dumb people. Everybody does. EVERYBODY DOES. But just because I do dumb things, I am not a dumb person, so what I am absolutely NOT allowed to do EVER is allow those dumb decisions and choices and people to define who I am or what I am worth.

Dumb choices and dumber people might knock me down from time to time, but it doesn't matter how dirty I get. What matters is how well I get back up and dust myself off. Living well and being happy DESPITE the hurt those dumb people inflict is the ONLY thing that matters.

Thank you, my friend, for reminding me of all those things I had forgotten. I love you to the moon and back!

Friday, August 15, 2014

There Must Be Something Here.......

......that He can't ..... or doesn't want to......live without....

And by the way?

Buckle up bitches!! This one could get bumpy!

I've been working on this one for a while now. The more recent thoughts are in italics. Like this one.

There have been two different girlfriends now.....the first one was easy because she wasn't here.....it's a little trickier now because this one actually lives here....but He still finds his way into my bed occasionally. I know her. I like her. The Former Supposed Spouse is good friends with her. And I'd like to say that makes it harder for me to participate, but the truth is......it just doesn't. And knowing that is so wrong? Changes nothing. And I swore up and down that I would never be That Girl again. And I just got done calling some other idiot out for even asking me to participate in such activities. And I can justify it with Him six ways from Sunday (I had him first, He keeps initiating contact, He must not be too concerned because we go out together in public and people see us all over each other.....he told me he loved me.......) and that still doesn't make it right.

I love him. God help me, but I do.

And God help me even more, because that makes me such a fucking hypocrite. So much so that I am completely disgusted with myself. And why? Because I let myself become exactly what I said I would never be again......a "dirty little secret"......a "nothing better to do".......an "only when she's not around".......and this one is my favorite and the most recent excuse.......an "only when she won't put out"...... Because why would you stay with someone who isn't meeting your sexual needs? That's a deal breaker for me, jus' sayin'...

And like I said in another post on this SAME SUBJECT.......I need, I deserve.....I am WORTHY of SO much more than that.

It's been a very long time since I've been so.......affected......by anyone. Not even The Former Supposed Spouse. The instant I spotted Him that first night in the bar, I knew it was gonna happen. Our eyes met and He was by my side instantly.......and the fact that He is a little dangerous? Just turns me on all the more. Flame and moth. Spider and fly........Predator and prey.

I love the look on His face when we're into it......teeth bared, eyes open, almost angry.....growling, grabbing, scratching, biting, pushing me down and holding me there, forcefully encouraging me to participate .....it's fierce and carnivorous and vicious and hot as fuck and I fucking love it. And then the next time, He is so gentle and sweet and tender......when I am in the midst of my orgasm and my back starts to arch, he slides his arm under me to support me. When we're done and I'm hot and sweaty, He lifts up my hair and blows gently on my neck to cool me off.

And that's not love......that's lust......pure, fantastic, unadulterated LUST.....and my trouble here is that I keep trying to make more out of it than that. So He brings me lunch once in a while. And he helps clean up the yard and lift heavy things once in a while......I can find any number of big, strong, tattooed, felonious types to help me with that shit.

And lust, no matter how powerful, is like 4th of July fireworks.....it burns hot and bright and even beautiful for a while......but it eventually burns out if there's nothing else behind it. For a while, I thought there was. Something more behind it. When I needed Him, He showed up. Helped me get through some pretty awful stuff........and he told me he loved me. But He doesn't do any of that anymore.

I'm a twisted little biscuit. He is twisty in a lot of the same ways. And that has the potential to be either extraordinarily phenomenal, or horrifically awful. He brings out a side of me that has been wanting to come out and play for a while now.....a wild side.....a wanton, wicked, willful, reckless, lascivious, completely hedonistic creature who, seemingly, knows no limits....a nymphomanaical superwoman, if you will.....she's down for anything, anywhere, anytime with anyone.....and, apparently, the riskier and the more potentially scandalous, the better.

And something happened a couple of weeks ago (not with Him, but someone else) that made me realize perhaps I was crossing a line. Or two. And that if I keep engaging in such behaviors, eventually, something was going to happen - some situation was going to arise that I couldn't get myself out of. And that scares the hell out of me. As it rightly should. Because while twisty is good, twisty people aren't always.

So here it is Friday night. And I'm not at PJ's. And it's been 48 hours since I've had any contact with Him. And it's all I can do to keep from hitting the send button. And it's midnight. And I keep thinking about what I'll say if HE hits the send button. But - and maybe not so deep down - I know that he's not the one. He's not what I need in the long run. I'm better than this. I deserve better than this. And if He can't see that? Well then He damn sure doesn't deserve me.