Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Yucky.......The Situation, The Options, The Task....Everything...

Yucky....

Thoroughly unappetizing, disgusting or repugnant.

You know that straw? The one in the story of the camel?

It landed on this camel's back like a ton of fucking bricks today, and thus, said camel's back has, in fact, broken.

I have phone calls to make today and none of them will be pleasant or easy or nice. Something has to give or I - the only "sane" one in this little family tree from hell - will end up in the nut bin, sporting one of those oh-so-very-stylish white jackets. At one point today, that sounded like a fine idea. Lock me up, dope me up, and throw away the key for a couple weeks. I wish I had time for the nervous break down I so richly deserve.

I just need help. And I need a lot of it. And I need it right now.

Monday, April 28, 2014

X....-tremes, -traordinary, -quisite.....

Xtremes..
Xtraordinary...
Xquisite...

Okay, so, I couldn't think of anything - that I liked - that actually started with X (except maybe x-rated), so, I improvised. My blog, my rules. They all start with the 'X' sound, so close enough.

I made kind of, maybe, I dunno, an extreme decision on Saturday. I revealed this ..... little psychodrama.... of mine to one of the people I write about who I don't think had ever read it previously. And I'm not sure how that's gonna work out for me. And I'm a little nervous. Revealing oneself - under the best of circumstances, when the person you are revealing yourself to really wants to know - is risky enough. When you're not really sure exactly how much they really want to know about what's been rolling around in your twisted little head......well, that's extremely, extraordinarily, exquisitely terrifying.

Lately life for me has been full of extremes.....things seem to vacillate between extremely crazy to extraordinarily dull. More crazy than dull. And maybe I kinda like it that way. If I don't have something to be freaking out over, I don't know what to do with myself.......thankfully, I think I still have a shoulder to vent to in the form of sending a gazillion text messages to. His response is always the same....NOW what happened??!! And I tell him. And tells me to relax. Breathe. Take them one at a time.  You'll get through it just fine.

And he's right. And it's really nice to hear that.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

A Little Super Sunday Post.....Just Because....

I had a good great weekend. Friday was Super fun and Saturday, although dreary and rainy and cold, ended up being one of the best Saturday afternoons I've spent in a long damn time.........


And, if I could just leave it at that, and stop obsessing and just enjoy the ride......I'd probably be a whole bunch better off. But, that's just not who I am or how I operate.

So, I will continue to obsess. And continue to participate. And continue to count the days until the next time. If there is a next time. (see, I clued someone in on this little.....psychobabble) And now that he's read some of it, who knows. I could do a whole 'nother AtoZ just on him. Most of which would need a slightly stronger "Content Warning."

This is not a new obsession for me. It's been rolling around up in my twisted little head for....oh....I dunno.....almost 10 years now.

And, if YOU should have questions.....I'll answer them.

And it's after 3 on Sunday and I STILL have not combed my hair yet.


Saturday, April 26, 2014

Want.....Now Would Be Good, Thanks

WANT....

To wish, need, crave, demand, or desire....

And yes. I put it in all caps on purpose. Want is a powerful emotion. I feel it all the time. To the depth of my soul sometimes depending on what the thing - or the person - is that I want.

And I want for lots of things......time, money, health.......love. Or some fashion of it.

There's more that goes here. Watch for a revision when I decide I'm not such a chicken shit....

And here's the "more" that goes here.

An invitation was offered and I accepted. Twice now. I didn't leave it alone. I couldn't have even if I'd tried. Because he doesn't even have to touch me to start me up. All he has to do is look at me. Because the way he looks at me? Makes me think he's thinking all kinds of delightfully dirty thoughts......like he can't wait to get me home and get me naked and have his way with me. And it really is quite the way he has. I can't resist it. By the time he is finished with me I'm lucky I know my own name for God's sake. He makes me feel like it's all about me and what I need and getting me there. Always. Every time. Over and over and over again. And I've only ever experienced that one other time in my life. And it wasn't with The Former Supposed Spouse.

And I want that. On a regular basis. More often than every two weeks. And all to myself. I don't want to share. I want to be The woman, not One of the women. I wanna be able to say, "Yes. We are. Thanks for asking. And neither of us cares who knows it. Is it REALLY so surprising, shocking, or scandalous??? I think not. Get over yourselves." ......... Maybe that's too much to ask given.....all that's happened.

I want what I want when I want it. Right NOW! And to hell with the consequences. I will burn those bridges when I'm standing on them.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Vexed....Why? What Did YOU Think I Would Pick??

Vexed....

Irritated, annoyed.....
Much discussed or disputed....
Tossed about.....

Sometimes, I have an inkling that the word I pick for the day will be good.

And then I read the definition........

And it's EVEN BETTER!!!

I am indeed, vexed. Most of the time, I'm irritated or annoyed by something or someone. Usually someone. Usually one particular someone.

And, it seems, I am also much discussed from time to time. Which, as long as it is good, and it keeps me there in the back of his mind, I'm okay with that.

In fact, I guess you could say, I hope I vex him. Endlessly. Exquisitely.

Under......as in....well lots of things

Under....
Oh, I think we all know what under means so I won't bother to define this one....

Today I am UNDER the weather. Have been for a couple days. That's why I'm behind on my AtoZ.

So, since I don't feel good, I'm just going to be silly instead of pithy and wise and deep.......like I'm any of those things anyway! lololol

Why don't you crawl back UNDER the rock you came out from? Couple people need to hear that.

I had to buy new UNDERwear, because my ass is not as fat as I think it is, apparently. I bought pretty UNDERwear, too. The kind you wear for a "special occasion." Although I'm not sure who will get to see it except me. I know it's there and it makes me feel pretty.

In my senior yearbook, there is a picture of me at about age....2, I would guess. I'm sitting on the floor with my "blankey" over my head. My mother submitted it for publication in said yearbook with the caption "Her favorite place is still UNDER the blankets."...........she meant I liked to sleep a lot. That's not what everyone thought. And how prophetic.

There are a lot of places that I have to be this weekend, but one place I would really like to be is UNDER (or on top of or next to or in front of....).....oh I better leave that one alone or I will get into trouble for sure. There's a couple, actually. And not just the one y'all are probably thinking of......The New One's approach has been a little UNDERstated thus far. A "like" here, and a "like" there. Even a comment or two. I wish that would change. Kinda. Maybe. Drinks!! Drinks somewhere would be good. Drinks at......Andy's, maybe. I'd even wear heels. And pretty UNDERwear.

Tunes......This May Have Been Better Under S for Songs, But OH WELL!!

Tunes....

A succession of musical sounds forming an air or a melody, with or without harmony accompanying it.

I'm gonna try and be cool and embed some videos for your enjoyment. It may or may not work, but here we go......

Most of the best (and worst) memories in my life are attached to a song or two. I cannot be in my truck without music playing. And I like (some of) just about everything from Rob Zombie to Madonna. (I think they're just about polar opposite enough to illustrate my point!) Because I grew up in the 80s, hair metal will forever be my favorite and from that genre, Def Leppard will forever be my favorite band. (Their drummer only has one arm!! ONE ARM!!)

The first album I ever bought with my own money was Quiet Riot - Metal Health. On vinyl, even. Back when it was the only option instead of a retro-chic choice. My favorite song on that album??



My next purchase was on a cassette tape. Of which, I still have a sizeable collection. Most of which are missing the cases. Why did they always have to break? The first one was Bon Jovi's debut album. I wore it out listening to these two songs over and over and over again. And if you've had to deal with cassette tapes, you know what kind of commitment that requires. One does not simply set the "repeat" button on a cassette tape.




And this one.....




And yes. They really did have all that hair. And yes. Jon Bon Jovi is still HAWT! By the way, and I don't know why, but these two songs always bring to mind The Pierced One. Man, I had a hella crush on that boy. These two songs, and this one.....




Not that I would have had one single clue what to do with him if I had gotten him alone. but we're still friends. And that's good. And he lives a different kinda life. And that's awesome. And if I ever decide I want anything pierced, I know exactly where to go.

And then there was.........That Summer........

The summer of Drive In Guy and The Boy Next Door and The Pierced One and The Juggling One.....and I'm sure there's more I should mention but I'm fresh out of nicknames...

I can't possibly post the entire album, so here are a couple of my favorites....

It started out like this.....




And somewhere along the line turned into this.....




And then ended up like this.....




But it's all good. I'm told you're supposed to be stupid when you're young. And I was. And we ALL have good lives now. And just so you know, I am, in fact, wild and willing, and no, it is not just for show. ;)

Flash forward many years later and I meet The Former Supposed Spouse. Not for the first time, but for the first time that mattered. This song was oh so very popular then. The one they played over and over again on the radio featured Alex Band of The Calling. But, because I'm a huge Nickelback fan (and don't care who knows it) I prefer the version with Chad Kroeger.



He used to tell me he would think of me every time he heard it. And I'm always in awe of it because I really don't understand how anyone could get tongue tied around me. But, whatever. It's one of the things that made me love him. And this one too......



He played this one for me and I knew I had an out.......I could walk out of the hellish marriage I was in and he would be there for me. The Former Supposed Spouse presented a different kind of hell, but I didn't know that at the time. He was an alcoholic. I knew how to deal with that particular devil. Or so I thought.

And there have been so many others and so many songs that it would take you all all day to listen to them all so I won't post  but just a couple more.

Tractor Boy. He's a ball of wax all unto himself. He has always been my soft place to fall when The Former Supposed Spouse has screwed up yet again. He even has his own ring tone on my phone.




And I'm not sure if that's so I know to answer it.........or not to.

And, yes, Super D. You didn't think we would get through this little music fest without bringing him up, did you?? Oh HELL no.



Maybe not so much now. The Someone Else kinda put a stop to that. Sort of.  For now. Fuck I dunno.

Rock on peeps. Sometimes the only cure to what ails us is TUNES. Way up LOUD!!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Snarky and Stubborn......But, I'm Working On Serene...

Snarky....
Testy or irritable; short tempered.
Having a rudely critical tone or manner...

Stubborn....
Fixed or set in purpose or opinion; resolute....
Obstinately maintained, as a course of action...
Difficult to manage or suppress....
Unreasonably obstinate; obstinately unmoving....

Serene....
Calm, peaceful, or tranquil; unruffled....


At least a hundred and fifty times I say, I utter the simplest of prayers....a hold-over from my days of sobriety.....

SERENITY NOW!!!

And it always comes at a time when there is precious little happening that could be considered serene by any stretch of the imagination. It is, however, a gentle reminder that perhaps I need to check my snarky attitude and maybe even be a little less stubborn and a little more flexible because - and no matter how much I may hate to admit it - 99% of my troubles and woes is a direct result of my own doing.

For those of you who don't know it, the Serenity Prayer goes like this......

God, grant me 
The serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage
to change the things I can;
And Wisdom
To know the difference...

I have a "short form" of that.....Can't ix it? Fuck it! (Much more suited to my snarky sense of humor lol)

Things go wrong. They will continue to go wrong no matter how hard I try to force them to go the way I want them to. You will note, I did NOT say, no matter how hard I try to force them to go "right."

Because despite my gigantic stubborn, petulant child streak, I do recognize that MY way is not necessarily the "right" way. And even if it is "right" it's not always the only way. And, MY way may not be what's best for me. It's God's plan, not mine. His will, not mine.

So.....(deep breath) SERENITY NOW, because I definitely can't fix all of it!!

Reminiscent, Resolute, Risen....

Reminiscent....
Awakening memories of something familiar; suggestive

Resolute....
Firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion...
Characterized by firmness and determination...

Risen....
Or to rise.....to get up from a lying, sitting or kneeling position...
To get up after falling or being thrown down....

I know Easter is supposed to be a time of joy.....as a Christian, it's one of, if not THE most important holiday. Jesus suffered horrifically and died a hideous death in order to give me - a sinner - eternal life. And I believe in that with every fiber of my being.

But Easter still sucks for me and here's why......

Almost every person that has been important to me who has passed on or otherwise left my life has done so around Easter time. Three of four of my grandparents and one former spouse type person have passed on during this time of year. Tractor Boy made his exit from my life and my apartment around this time. The Former Supposed Spouse seems to always make his exit around this time.

I hate Easter. And I seem to be having an inordinate amount of bad days here lately.....nothing really life altering, but just not exactly smooth sailing. More pain than usual, more troubles than usual. Enough that it makes my mother more worried about me than usual and that bothers me. A lot.....

It is however a passing phase and things will get better.....no matter how many times I stumble along the way or get thrown to the ground, I always get back up again. Bruised and battered, perhaps, but still kicking.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Questionable........Choices, Actions, Writings....Everything

Questionable....

Of doubtful propriety, honesty, morality, respectability, etc...
Open to question or dispute; doubtful or uncertain...
Open to question as to being of the nature or value suggested...


I have never denied the fact that I have some questionable morals. In fact, some people might call me a scandalous bitch. And, given my escapades over the last month or so, I might even agree with them. But in my mind, it's better to be authentically flawed than perfectly fake. In the past, I've tried to keep all my shenanigans a secret. And they have always some back to bite me in the ass.

So, this time, I made a conscious decision to not keep anything a secret. I've made it known quite publicly that I'm done with him. For real this time. And just because he chooses not to accept that as a fact, it doesn't make it any less a fact. And when he asks me how my friends can let me do such things, well, that's why. Because my friends know that I am done. That I consider myself a single person, free to indulge whatever whim comes my way. And all that honesty still came back to bite me.

Another item that some people find somewhat questionable is the fact that I write about all my shenanigans and let the whole world read about it. The fact that I "air my dirty laundry" is hard for some people to understand I guess. And I totally get that there are some people who would really rather not be the subject of a blog post and I respect that. I also don't think that the people who are subjects of my posts would really want to be mentioned by name, so that's why the nicknames. Now, there are a couple......okay maybe just one..... GLARING exception to this rule. But, to my knowledge, Super D doesn't read me anyway. He's heard about it being "plastered all over Facebook." But I don't think anyone, myself included, has said to him "Go here and read this and you will know."

Maybe that's a good thing. The Someone Else in his life now might not find it entertaining at all and I'm the only Psychotic Bitch I can deal with right now. And, what good would it do now, anyway? The silly, naive, hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that he would come back to me......that he never really could get me off his mind and he misses me too........that he's still glad I picked him.......

Even if he is a questionable choice.......

Friday, April 18, 2014

Powerlessness.......The Hardest Thing To Admit.....

Powerless....

Unable to produce an effect....
Lacking power to act; helpless...

"We admitted we were powerless........that our lives had become unmanageable."

Back when I was completely sober all the time and was actually going to the meetings, and doing the step work, this is one that always - ALWAYS - tripped me up. Because I never really thought - then or now - that my life was so unmanageable. I was drinking, yes, but I was still taking care of my kids, getting up and going to work, doing everything I needed to do. I was managing. And I was managing all by myself because, once again, the Former Supposed Spouse was, unfortunately, incarcerated yet again. And when I did drink, I felt anything BUT powerless. Still feel that way to some extent, which is why I haven't been back. Drinking is HIS problem, not mine.

I do admit that I'm powerless over a lot of things.......I'm powerless over the Former Supposed Spouse and the choices he makes and the consequences that come with them. Powerless, but not helpless. In the past, during his unfortunate incarcerations I have simply passed the time, telling myself I was done with his shit, trying to move on (mostly by revisiting all those Ghosts from the Past) only to allow him to move back in one more time. I spent most of that time feeling lost and hopeless and useless and helpless.

I don't feel that way this time. I might have stumbled a bit at first, but I caught myself before any real or permanent damage could be done. I have learned that my worth as a woman is not defined by who I choose to - or choose not to - share my bed with. I have discovered that when I really need it, I have much more strength than I could have ever imagined. I'm living with a chronic, sometimes disabling, disease but I'm also working again and earning a paycheck of my own again. I tried something new - OULA - and even though it's exercise, which I LOATHE, it's fun. And it's helping me in ways that I never imagined.

So, I guess my point is that even though there is a crap TON of shit that I am powerless over, I am not rendered helpless by ANY of it. I always have the power to act - to change - to do better when I know better. And knowing that? Nothing is ever unmanageable.

OULAgin, Overwhelmed and, Once In A While, Orgasmic

Overwhelmed....

To overcome completely in mind or feeling...
To overpower or overcome, especially with superior forces; destroy; crush....
To cover or bury beneath a mass of something, as floodwaters or an avalanche...
To load, heap, treat, or address with an overpowering or excessive amount of anything....
To overthrow...

OULAgin....

OULA instructor, participant or lover.  Attracted to loud music, singing and sweet dance moves.  OULAgins have been spotted busting moves anywhere and everywhere. (from oulafitness.com/about)

Orgasmic....

The instance of experiencing the physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation, usually resulting from stimulation of the sexual organs...



Most every day, I feel completely overwhelmed by one thing or another. This last week has been especially trying....The Kid and The Boy started baseball on Monday. The Bug starts baseball on Friday. And I had a little moment where I felt like I was gonna fly apart trying to figure out how I was gonna get them to practice and games and me to work and to my workout, and The Bug to Grandma's and The Boy to scouts and and and and and.......And, since I'm the only one in my little three ring circus (besides my Mother) who currently has a valid drivers' license ..... I'm freakin' out just a little bit. Overreact would be another good "O" word for me!!


Happily, the older two practice and play just a block away from Mom's house and Mom's house is just a few blocks from school. They can walk to her house and then walk to practice. The Bug will have to be chauffeured, but I think I'll wait until I get his schedule before I freak out again.


Also this week, The Kid had another issue at school. The Principal called me Monday afternoon to tell me that The Kid was once again in trouble. This happened at 2:42 on Monday afternoon as I was on my way out the door to go  to work. I think The Principal was telling me I needed to come get The Kid right then, but he didn't come right out and say that. So, I went to work and the kids went to Grandma's and about 6:00 that evening he called me, at work, to say that The Kid was once again in out-of-school suspension until we could all meet with the Superintendent..........insert GIANT freak out HERE!! Thankfully, The Superintendent is a very nice man and was able to meet at a time that accommodated my crazy schedule and will allow The Kid to return to school on Tuesday after Easter break.YAY!


April 1 has marked a change in several things in my life. I finally decided to get my fat ass up off the couch and do something. That something is called OULA and after only a couple of weeks, I am officially, an OULAgin!! I love it! It's fun! It's an hour three, sometimes four days a week and usually, that hour goes by before I even know it. And I'm already noticing results....I've lost 3.5 pounds. I sleep better. I hurt less and when I do hurt, it's the kind of pain that comes from getting stronger. I am starting to see some definition in some muscles that haven't been defined at ALL for quite some time. If you have a chance, I highly recommend that you drink yourself some OULA kool-aid....you SO won't regret it! It's positively orgasmic!!(oulafitness.com)


Any way you look at it, orgasms are a good thing. Whether they are given by someone else or self induced, a really good one (or six) can cure what ails you from stress reduction to chronic pain to insomnia to better ability to focus.....even living longer!! And to all you men out there.......some studies actually suggest that focusing on bringing your woman to orgasm can help you focus better at work. Jus' sayin'. It's also important to know that these benefits are independent of how said orgasms are achieved. If you are lucky enough to have a partner, let them do it for you. If not, invest in a couple well-chosen devices.


And stock up on batteries!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Oooooohhhhh Baby.....It's A Tired Girl Day

And, so, a proper "O" post will be forthcoming this evening.....

Until then, ponder the following:

OULAgins..........Overwhelmed............and Orgasmic (occasionally)

Happy Thursday! I'm off to work!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Nonsense.......The Wrong End of The Telescope...

Nonsense....

Words or language having little or no sense or meaning...
Conduct, action, etc, that is senseless, foolish or absurd...
Impudent, insubordinate, or otherwise objectionable behavior....
Something absurd or fatuous...
Anything of trifling importance or of little or no use....


We seem to be swimming in nonsense around these parts lately.

The Kid is exhibiting all kinds of behavior that is senseless, foolish and absurd.....

The Former Supposed Spouse is calling three times a day to try to help me "fix" all the problems going on around here when, you know, he himself and his absence is the biggest problem we have. I'm not saying some of the things going on wouldn't have happened had he been here, but at least I would have had help to contend with it and a real shoulder to actually cry on.

Which, by the way Mr. Minnesota, is something I really needed Monday night.

And there's a little bit of my own nonsense in the form of impudent (of, pertaining to, or characterized by impertinence or effrontery.....I had to look impudent up - in layman's terms....snarky...), insubordinate, or otherwise objectionable behavior. Me? Snarky? Really?? Couldn't be.....

And while we're on the subject of MY nonsense.....how completely absurd is it that the one person I really want to "be here" for me is also probably the very worst one I could choose? My silly, romantic, naive twit doesn't think for one minute it's absurd at all because she wills herself to only see The Snuggle Bug. And my cynical brainiac, who knows was just an act in order to obtain a piece of ass, misses it as well. Because even if it was just pretend, he was here. On a regular basis. And as I mentioned HERE and HERE, doing everything right. And the marshmallow fluff center of me misses that desperately.

But, the evil vindictive bitch sliver of myself, pretty much fucked that up beyond repair, I think. Because now there's Someone Else........

I still have his t-shirt, though. And it still smells like him.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Super D Goes All Boyfirendy....

(Note: this is a re-post of an old post that previously got deleted....I have added it back because I've linked to it in an A to Z Challenge post. The original date of publication was March 10, 2014.)

So......

What started off as a one-time deal to use as ammunition against the Former Supposed Spouse is kinda maybe sort of turning into something.....else.....

A one night stand isn't supposed to text you every morning and every night since....

He isn't supposed to show up after working two jobs to play pool with you and drive your drunk ass home in the middle of the week. And then object to the after var party at your house because he wants you all to himself.....

He isn't supposed to show up with a midnight snack of prime rib dinner when he gets off work at midnightish....

He isn't supposed to be all supportive and cheer-leadery when you decide you're still young enough to play freakin' softball all day and then come over and give you a full body massage - including the feet - when because of the softball, you're so stiff and sore you can't effing MOVE......

He's not supposed to think it's nice to see me when I stalk him at work under the guise of having lunch with my mother....

He isn't supposed to care.....

But he does. Or seems to, anyway. And it's kinda freakin' me out a little. I an NOT complaining....he's kinda, pretty much, doing everything right. Which, of course, in MY dark and twisty little head, makes me suspicious. Because he CAN'T POSSIBLY want to be with me, right? And, even if he is sincere, is that really what I want? To jump right back into.....something.....with someone who is cut from the same bolt as the Former Supposed Spouse?

And there I go - over-thinking all OVER the place......

Mess.....My House, My Kids, My Life.....

Mess....

A dirty, disordered, or untidy condition....
A person or thing that is dirty, untidy or disordered...
A state of embarrassing confusion....
An unpleasant or difficult situation....
A dirty or untidy mass, litter or jumble....


I absolutely abhor housework.....

It is always....ALWAYS....the last thing on my list. Consequently, my house is constantly cluttered with school papers that need to be looked at and then thrown away, junk mail (which I submit should have never been sent to me in the first place but that's a rant for another day), books and a selection of cups and spoons and forks that never seem to find their way to the sink......socks and underpants and shirts and pants and hoodies and all possible manner of laundry is sometimes found in the most unusual of places. I once found a pair of socks - clean ones - in the refrigerator because one of the various offspring had set it down in order to secure a cheese stick from the snack drawer and gotten distracted. That must have been some fine fucking cheese.

The dishes don't always get done the same night they get dirtied because, well, I'm tired. I work. I work out. I shuffle kids (not always mine) from point A to place B because in the freaking three-ring-circus that my life is, I'm the only one who currently holds a valid license to drive.  My mother does, but, I hate to ask too much of her because she gets so easily overwhelmed. So, by the time my day is done, the LAST thing I want to think about is doing the damn dishes.

I'm holding on to my sanity by the thinnest of threads lately. The Kid is in yet another crisis at school. This one might have real and severe consequences. And it's NOT because he's a bad kid. He's a good kid who is occasionally kind of an ass hole and just really doesn't stop to think things through before he does or says them. I love him to the moon and back, even though he is not my flesh and blood, and I'm doing the very best I know how........but I'm just not sure anymore that MY best is what's best for HIM.

So, the next few days between work and work outs and baseball and travelling to meet The Boy's dad so The Boy can spend Easter with him, I get to meet, yet again, with the Principal, and the Counselor, and the School Therapist AND, this time, for added shits and giggles, the freakin' Superintendent of Schools to decide when, and IF, The Kid will be allowed back in school.

My Mama Bear tendencies kicked in a little today on the phone and I got a little snappy with the Principal. So there's one more mess for me to clean up because, well, you know, I don't always "think it through" either.

The thing I have to......HAVE TO......remember is that there are miracles within the mess.....people and choices and second chances and help.....all I need to do is remember to stop and breathe look around a little.......and ask for help when I need it.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Longing.....

Longing....

Strong, persistent desire or craving, especially for something unattainable or distant.....


There are days when I wish with all my heart and soul that the Former Supposed Spouse was still here.....moments when I feel that he is truly my heart's desire. And my soul mate. And the love of my life. And then the tears come because even though he is all those things, he is not here.

Love was never the problem. I love him to the moon and back and I am certain that he loves me in the same way.....although, I can't for the life of me imagine why, after all the hell I have put him through when he's locked up. And I can't for the life of me imagine why, when he's gone, I miss him so, in spite of all the hell he's put ME through when he's here.......

I long to be done with him, once and for all, and at the same time, I long for the happily ever after we were supposed to have.

I seem to have this tendency to long for that which I cannot, or at least should not, have.....and yes, that brings us back to Super D.....I've missed him. Much more than I ever expected to or care to admit. There are things he can make my body do that very few men have ever been able to. Over and over and over again and again and again. And even if he is only playing at being sweet and caring......he's damn good at it.

I long for that connection with another human......it doesn't even have to involve sex all the time. I just need someone to be close to......to lay my head on his shoulder while we watch a movie or put his arm around me when I need to cry and tell me it will all be okay eventually but not try to fix everything. Curl up next to me when we finally go to sleep and hold my hand, fingers intertwined all night.........

Even just simply for someone - I won't mention any names, but you know who you are - to actually show up when you say you will. Because it makes me even more lonesome when I fall asleep waiting for you to come over and I wake up alone and you haven't been here.

****long sigh****

I just don't do lonely well at all.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Kissing.......It's An Art Form....

Kiss....

To touch or press with the lips slightly pursed, and then often part them, and emit a smacking sound, in an expression of affection, love, greeting, reverence....

French Kiss....

An overtly sexual act, to kiss with tongues....


You have to be a good kisser. You can't just THINK you are, you really have to be good at it. And if you're not, for me, this is a deal breaker. There is nothing that turns me on more than a good make-out session before the main event. The Former Supposed Spouse is an excellent kisser. As is Super D. And Tractor Boy. And, because I had an excellent teacher, so am I..

I can still vividly remember the first time I was ever kissed.....I mean REALLY kissed....I was working at the drive in...the very last summer it was open. A friend of mine...and I'm not ever sure anymore exactly how we met....was at the drive in one night with a bunch of his friends. When my shift was over, I joined them. And we were talking and laughing and probably drinking.....and all of a sudden, kinda outta nowhere, he kissed me. And used his tongue. And my little naive 17 year old self was A) surprised, because even then, I didn't really believe that anyone so cool and so handsome could possibly be attracted to me..... and 2) very confused because I didn't know that was allowed.

That summer still remains one of the best summers of my life......the soundtrack for it went back and forth between Def Leppard - Hysteria and Richard Marx's debut album.....the one with all the good songs on it - Hold On To The Nights, Should've Known Better, Endless Summer Nights......it was all good and fun and for the first time in my young life, I felt sexy and desirable and man, was that ever a powerful feeling!

 And then, as is my M.O., I kinda fucked everything up. I've mentioned before that I lost my virginity to, literally, the boy next door. Well, that happened during this same summer. And Drive-In Guy and I both had a crush on The Boy Next Door. And......well......I wouldn't have done what I did if it was my best girl-friend who had a crush on The Boy Next Door, so I don't know what made me think it was okay to do that to Drive-In Guy. It wasn't. And I know that now. And when I was doing my step work, he was one of my very first amends. And the feeling it gave me to hear him say that we were young, and dumb, and we were supposed to make mistakes and that it's water under the bridge........that feeling.....the feeling of being forgiven......is even more powerful than sexy and desirable can even begin to compete with.

And I will forever be grateful to him because the kissing thing? That is a skill that has continued to serve me well over the years.


Friday, April 11, 2014

Just.......So NOT Feeling It Today.....

Just a short post so that I can say I never skipped a day of the Challenge.

I'm just not feeling all that inspired to write today.....it happens. Yesterday was a good day....my boys are on a baseball team that my Boss is coaching and that is awesome.....we will have to talk about my schedule, however. I'm already in a conflict and Monday is the first night!

I have a date for dinner tonight....nothing romantic, just a very good friend. And it's my treat. Because I can. Because I'm a working girl again.

.......meh......

Maybe I'll come up with something in my sleep......

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Intuition......And Some Sweaty Inspiration and Indigo Girls

Intuition....

Direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension; a keen and quick insight.....

Inspiration....

A divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul...


I have always considered myself an intuitive person.......I operate mostly on a "don't think - feel" premise. This gets me in trouble occasionally. Especially when whatever it is feels good. Because what feels good in the moment, doesn't always feel good later. Not for me, not for the Former Supposed Spouse, not for anyone. The whole Super D debacle is an excellent example of how the "don't think - feel" thing can end up a giant fucking disaster. And if I'd really been listening to my intuition that night, I would have - maybe - done things differently.....

Inspiration is a thing that has been sorely lacking in my life of late. Long before the Former Supposed Spouse was taken away, I was in a dark place. Beyond sad, beyond a little blue......it was midnight in the garden of good and evil for me.....I actually entertained the notion that perhaps everyone would be better off if I just wasn't around. Not that I wanted to end my life, but just that I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. The Former Supposed Spouse could find someone else who could do a better job with the cooking and the cleaning and the kids and then he wouldn't have to scream around as much......and, yes, even with my years of meetings and step work and therapy.....if he had someone better (than me), he wouldn't have to drink so much. The kids would have a "mom" that could actually participate in their lives. (((shudders))) It was decidedly NOT a happy place.

After the Former Supposed Spouse left, my head started to clear a bit. I didn't have to worry so much because I knew where he was 24/7 and I knew he wasn't drinking and then trying to drive and then maybe killing someone. And - as always - I had forgotten how heavy a burden that was to carry, not just emotionally, but physically, as well. So, without that extra baggage, I was free to ....... whatever. One of my best good friends helped me land a job that I didn't know I wanted until after I started it. Another friend kept raving and raving and raving about OULA, so I went one night. I felt SO self conscious at first. But, I figured out that each song is a collection of the same basic moves just in different combinations and now, I'm a total OULAgan! My instructor is completely awesome and she inspires me every day to keep coming back. ('Cuase you know, that whole "keep coming back" thing applies to more than just the Meeting Rooms.)

The sun has begun to rise again in my little garden. It really is true what they say - that it's always darkest before the dawn. But, over there towards the east......i can see the black sky starting to turn just a little bit lighter....and as I said yesterday....I have some hope....and I know intuitively that I will be okay eventually....and I'm inspired by my fellow OULAgans to sweat my butt off as often as possible.....

And, because one of my friends specifically mentioned them.....





And because with every day that goes by, I really, really am that much closer to fine.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Hopeless to Hopeful......And Maybe A Little Hormonal As Well


Hopeless....

The absence of hope....forlorn, disconsolate, dejected....a feeling of futility and a passive abandonment of oneself to fate....not able to learn or act, perform or work as desired....inadequate for the purpose....

Hopeful.....

Full of hope....exciting or expressing hope....a person who shows promise or aspires to success....expectant, optimistic, confident....

The night the Former Supposed Spouse's probation officer showed up at the house, I sat for a long time in the dark. Not really thinking or feeling or.....anything. I was just frozen in disbelief that this was really happening again. I didn't cry. I didn't scream. I didn't panic......I didn't anything. I just kind of sat and wondered silently about what the hell I was gonna do now. I didn't have any answers that seemed to me would make any difference. And I was stuck in that hopeless feeling for a couple of days.....

There have a couple other times in my life when I have felt the same way.....once when I was 20 and my first live-in boyfriend moved out on me. He hadn't been living at our apartment for a couple of weeks. And then one day, I came home from work to find that he had moved all of his things out.....And there was that empty, hopeless feeling.....

The first time I arrived at the bottom of the hopelessness pit, I was 19. I was living in a tiny little basement apartment with my best friend from high school. I had my first really serious boyfriend. He was older than me. But we had things in common. Had met each other's parents. Then one day we had an argument. I can't remember what it was about. But I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. Afterwards, I got a ten page letter explaining to me how I just wasn't good enough. I was "inadequate for the purpose." There was nothing wrong with me...I was a very nice girl, and a good person and fun to be around, and we had a good sex life, blah, blah, blah......but.....I just wasn't good enough. And he loved me. But he wasn't IN love with me. And someone else was good enough. And he WAS in love with her. And this sent me careening towards a cliff that I ended up actually jumping off of. If it wasn't for the best friend that I shared that little apartment with, I would have died. But she ran to the edge with me and grabbed a hold of me and hauled me back up onto solid ground.

And now, 25 years later, I finally understand that nothing and no one - especially no man - is worth taking my own life. Nothing is that hopeless. I am never that alone. I am NEVER not loved.

And so, back to this latest go 'round with the Former Supposed Spouse. The answers didn't come right away. The next emotion on the list was anger.....the anger stayed with me for quite sometime. I acted out on that anger. And I kinda made a mess of things....for me, for him, for the other guy.

But one thing the anger did accomplish was to snap me the fuck out of that hopeless/hapless/helpless state and start making some decisions that made sense and might actually benefit me. Another very good friend helped me to find a job. I can have a civil conversation with the Former Supposed Spouse without screaming ALL the time. I'm up out of my bed off my couch and Oula-ing three days a week. (And if you've never tried Oula, you really really should!!)

My life isn't perfect. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But it's better than it was. It's getting better every day. And I'm finally beginning to feel more hopeFUL than hopeLESS. I am even beginning to recognize the difference between hopeless and just a little hormonal......And that is such a good feeling...

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Gratitude.....Count Your Blessings, People

Gratitude....

The quality of feeling grateful or thankful.

In my hometown yesterday, a young man took his life after an extended standoff with every law enforcement agency you can think of....

And lots of people had lots of things to say and lots of it was pretty terrible.

And all I could think about was how lonely and scared and hopeless and helpless and lost and broken this young man must have been to think this was the only option he had left. It's all I could think about because I know exactly how lonely and scared and hopeless and helpless and lost and broken he must have felt. I know this because I felt that way at one point in my own life. And I am so grateful today that I was unsuccessful. And my heart is just broken for him.

All I could think was that a mother lost her baby today. He was perhaps someone's brother, husband, father, best friend......and now he's gone. And people amuse themselves by making him the butt of the joke. Or a reason to criticize the local police department. Or deciding that he MUST be on drugs. Or any one of a million disgusting and superficial and uninformed judgements. And my heart is broken for them, too. How sad that you are so miserable in your own skin that you cannot show compassion for another human being in obvious and overwhelming pain.

And all those officers from all those agencies that worked so hard all night and all day to try and resolve the situation without losing a life who had to witness this man take his own life anyway. How frustrated and angry and helpless they must be feeling tonight.

A mother lost her child today.

Instead of counting the flaws in this horrible situation, count your blessings. I'll start.....

I am alive.

I am loved.

I am free.

Everything else is icing on the cake.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Faith.....And Learning To Fly

Faith.......

Commonly defined as belief that is not based on proof. Mostly referring to a belief in God or Allah or Buddha or Jesus or whichever deity your particular brand of faith attaches itself to.

I am a woman of faith in many things.

I have faith that God exists and that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I am saved by faith through grace.

I have faith in myself - that no matter what curve ball life throws at me, I will figure out a way to deal with it. I will lean on my faith in God to bring me through whatever He brings me to.

I have faith that my children will live a better life than I have.....that they will make better choices than I have and so not have to learn SO MANY THINGS the hard way.

I used to have faith that my Former Supposed Spouse would "get it" this time and stay clean and sober so that we could have the happily ever after that I had faith actually existed. I no longer have any kind of faith that this will ever happen. What I do have faith in, is that I and my children will be just fine whether he ever gets it or not because our happiness is independent of his sobriety.

Let me say that again.....

OUR HAPPINESS IS INDEPENDENT OF HIS SOBRIETY!!!!

WOW has it taken me a long time to get that...!!

I still have  problems to solve. That will never change.  But I received a valuable bit of advice once from a man called RedBird. He told me not to tell my God how big my problems are, but instead, tell my problems how big my God is....he's an amazing individual. I met more than one amazing individual at the same place I met RedBird. I've been thinking that perhaps maybe one day when I feel ready....or have exhausted all other remedies and don't know where the hell else to turn.....I should go back to that place. I was blessed to see one of those other amazing individuals at work the other day. He's still beautiful. He still smells amazing. And I would love to be able to see him on a regular basis again. But he can't be the reason I go back. I just don't have the desire or the willingness......yet. I have faith that if and when the time is right, I'll know. And when I know, I will go. But not today.

Am I always strong in my faith? Oh HELL no. I don't think any of us are 100% of the time.....I think we all experience those long, dark, nights of the soul where everything seems hopeless and everything you've put your faith in before has seemingly failed you. And it sounds so freakin' cliche, I almost can't type it, but......

Take a deep breath. And another one. And another one.....however many you need until you know this....




And that's where I'm at....learning.....

"A soul in tension, learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue tied and twisted
Just an earthbound misfit, I."
pink floyd

But not forever...

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Evolution.....It's A Process

Evolution....

Any process of formation or growth; development;
A process of gradual, progressive, peaceful change or development...

One hopes that the result of change is to evolve into something new, and, hopefully, better state of being.

I don't know if I would call my current evolutionary process necessarily "peaceful." Some of it has been anything but. And gradual is pretty much out as well. It seems that changes in my life have a tendency to happen quickly, if not instantaneously, and the learning curve is steep. There's no gradual about it.

I sink, or I swim. And until recently, I've been doing much more sinking than swimming it seems.

Things, I think, are beginning to balance out a bit. I'm far less distracted by certain people - one's in jail, one's honeyed up with someone else - and so I have much more time on my hands to just ......be.

And think. And that's generally not a good thing for me. I think about things I have no business thinking about really and that usually leads to some sort of action that is...... counterproductive.....to say the least.

Since I'm not so distracted by what's past, I'm a little bit more able to focus on the future. Engage in things that are healthy and beneficial to me, rather than vindictive and bitchy and just generally evil. Because that's no good for anyone. I was right about the fallout, by the way. Although, I think it may have been worst for the Former Supposed Spouse than for anyone else, after all.

Things, I KNOW in my heart of heart and to the deepest corner of my being, will not always be shitty. And what started out that way will eventually evolve into something good. Even if it's just a hard lesson learned.


Friday, April 4, 2014

Determination.....My Story Isn't Finished Yet

Determination....

The act of coming to a decision or of fixing or setting a purpose...
Ascertainment, as after observation or investigation....
The information ascertained; a solution...
The settlement of a dispute....
The settlement or decision arrived at or pronounced....

And here's the big one.....

The condition of being determined.....resoluteness.....

I am today 43 years of age. I find myself single. Again. Although, the Former Supposed Spouse seems to be having a great deal of difficulty understanding and accepting that.

And I'm different today than I was all the other times his unfortunate incarcerations have separated us. There have been five, by the way, in the ten years we've been together. He's been gone for more of my youngest son's life than he has been present.

I still love him. I probably always will. We are very similar creatures, he and I. But at some point, enough has to be enough. Loving someone just isn't enough when you're not there to back it up. And I have given up believing that anything is ever going to change. We will be forever bound to keep repeating the cycle.....he fucks up, he goes to jail for varying lengths of time, he comes home, things are great for a while - he's clean and sober and present and involved - and then he relapses. And It's okay at first, because it's no big deal. It's a couple of beers sometimes at home after a long day. And I'm totally okay with that because I enjoy an occasional cocktail as well. Inevitably though, because he is a bona fide alcoholic, the amount and frequency increases and pretty soon it's a cold pack and half a bottle of Crown every day. This last time, there were pills involved as well and the Former Supposed Spouse I knew and loved was replaced by something I didn't even recognize. For the first time in ten years, there was actual physical violence involved. Previously, I'd always been able to say, he may be a drunk, but at least he's never hit me.

I can't say that anymore.

And I've lived through that a couple times already. And I know that it never stops. It doesn't get better. It only gets worse. Once that particular garden gate is opened, it cannot be closed. And I absolutely will NOT put my little dudes through that.

Some big changes have been happening in my life of late. And I am absolutely DETERMINED to embrace them and build a better life for all of us....me, my boys, and my mom. Big changes that require some big decisions. I've run from change all my life. Which is probably why I'm 43 years old, born and raised in this little town and never lived anywhere else. Well, except one summer spent in Great Falls and a couple years out in the middle of nowhere in Inverness. I never used to see that as a problem.

But one little comment made in a very offhand way - almost a joke - has set my mind in motion....opened it up to a whole new set of possibilities and opportunities.......and while I haven't reached any kind of solid determinations just yet, I'm getting there. Because.....



My story isn't finished yet. And I can't wait to find out what the next chapter holds.

Change......And A Healthy Dose of Courage

Change....

To become different; to become altered or modified; to become transformed or converted; the substitution of one thing for another.

Courage....

The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger or pain without fear...

So.....it seems that change has been the word of the day for me for......a couple of months already. The Former Supposed Spouse was removed from my household in February. I moped around for a while. Then I decided I was being silly sitting around being all lonely and sad. So I picked myself up and dusted myself off.....I do clean up quite nicely...and went out on the town.

And ran into someone. And if you follow me at all, you know the rest of that story. It's a big giant mess now. And I should probably just leave it well enough alone. But I can't seem to. Partly because I don't want to. Partly because I'm still floating around in the back of his mind somewhere.

And, as of April 1, I'm on a self improvement movement. I joined a gym. I joined an Oula class. And I'm loving both. And I can already tell a difference in how my body works....I hurt less. And when I do, it's a good hurt......a hurt that means those muscles are getting stronger. I sleep better. Insomnia has been a problem for me for a very long time. And every time I Oula or work out....I sleep SO well. It's a very good thing.

I also went back to work. And I LOVE MY JOB!! I have an awesome boss. I'm learning something new every day. I'm getting better every day at the selling part. And I may have an opportunity to move to a new community and manage a store. And that scares the SHIT out of me. I'm 43 years old, born and raised in the same town and never lived anywhere else. I don't know anybody there. Who am I gonna go out with on a Saturday night? My mom is gonna have to come with me. I can't leave her here by herself.

And when I told the Former Supposed Spouse about it, his first reaction was to be pissed because that's where the "little prick" (from the above mentioned mess) is from. And he'll be moving back there. Someday. Who knows, really. Maybe the cosmos is conspiring to give me a sign that this is the right thing to do.

Now all I have to do is find the courage to take on all that change.........And run with it.  And finally be free.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Bawdy, Bedeviled, Beguiled and Beloved......I Couldn't Pick Just One!

Bawdy....
Indecent, lewd, obscene....

Bedevil....
To torment or harass maliciously or diabolically, as with doubts, distractions or worries....

Beguile....
To influence by trickery, flattery, etc.; mislead; delude...

Beloved....
Greatly loved; dear to the heart....


I've always been bawdy. I cuss, I flirt shamelessly, I drink, I smoke and I fuck. And I do all those things very well. Don't get me wrong, I have it within me to conduct myself with the utmost dignity and decorum when the situation calls for it, but my natural state is much less....ladylike. I have always preferred the company of men to women....with three or four notable exceptions of my best girlfriends, who are, to varying degrees, much like me. I have red hair, large breasts, a fantastic ass and I shamelessly flaunt all three. I suspect this is what makes me popular with the men and not so much with the women. I know that this is what initially attracted the Former Supposed Spouse to me. The first time I met him I was in a relationship with someone else. We were spending a fine Saturday afternoon at the bar. The Former Supposed Spouse sat down next to me, introduced himself and asked if he could see my boobs. This was less than popular with the current boyfriend, who proceeded to yank the FSS off his bar stool and throw him into a poker machine.

Fast forward 10 years later, and I'm married - and pregnant, although I didn't know it at the time - and I'm in the same bar playing darts. The FSS comes up to me and strikes up a conversation - hey how are you, haven't seen you in forever, where you been, damn you look good - and I didn't even recognize him. It was only later that I realized who he was. Long story short, since the rules of my marriage allowed for it, I took him home with me. I had no intention of it ever being more than a one night stand, but, he kept coming back. Again. And again. And again. And somewhere along the line, I fell in love with him. And he put up with some pretty twisted shit just to be with me.

He was the first man who ever made me feel truly beloved......

And, then, everything fell to shit.

I knew what he was when I chose him over the twisted fuck I was married to. Alcoholism is a devil I'm familiar with. I know how to deal with that. I know how to operate within that mechanism. My husband at the time has devils in his soul that I still don't know the name of. And he still torments me....the scars he left are permanent. I am the Twisted Biscuit that I am because of him. And he still knows all the buttons to push to make me doubt myself.....doubt my worth.....doubt my abilities...Shared custody is a bitch.

So, here I am....bawdy, bedeviled, beguiled and beloved...that's a hard mix to be some days.


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Apathy

Apathy......


The absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement...
Lack of interest in or concern for that which others find moving or exciting....

Thus begins my journey through the alphabet of feeling words as they relate to the Former Supposed Spouse. And it starts here.

My Give-A-Damn has been busted as far as he is concerned for a VERY long time. And with each passing day, it only gets more broken. One person can only take so much stupidity before she becomes numb to it. The first couple times someone exhibited unfathomable stupidity, I got all up in arms and angry and screamed and hollered and threatened and grounded and threw almost as big a fit as the idiots did.

That didn't work. They were idiotic, which made me angry, which made them more idiotic, which made me angrier.....it was a vicious cycle that could only ever be interrupted by having the Former Supposed Spouse intervene and yell even louder than I was able to. Now that he's gone, the stupidity continues and I just don't have the energy to deal.

Whatever is going to happen to the Unfathomably Stupid is going to happen. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. All I can do is protect myself and my kids and take the appropriate precautions so that we don't end up going down with them. Because after what happened last month, Klonopin Mom is likely going to end up in prison and both The Kid and Big Sister will end up in foster care.

My Give-A-Damn is also busted concerning what other people think of me. I am who I am. I'm tired of hiding from it. I've been accused of having a man's attitude when it comes to sex. I don't think that's true. I think I have an HONEST attitude about sex. I know what I like and I'm unafraid to say so. And I'm not above a one night stand or a quickie blow job on his lunch break. It's who I am. I've always been that way. I don't see it changing anytime soon. The ONLY thing different now is that I'm not hiding it. Except from The Little Dudes. They don't need to know about that shit.

Nope. I just don't care about much these days.

The only thing I care about - fiercely - are my kids. I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth because I know in my heart of hearts that if I'm okay, they will be okay.

The Former Supposed Spouse thinks I should seek professional help........I told him I think he should go fuck himself, but, he may be right.