Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Succinctly Yours Week 175

Because I can.......I think.......

A little background on Succinctly Yours......The idea is to tell a story, based on the picture (which changes each week) in A) 140 words or less OR 2) 140 characters or less......

It's so beautiful in Montana, even the big horn sheep stop traffic to admire the view. The moral of the story? Slow down. Look around. Don’t get so focused on the destination that you miss the journey. The sweetest memories happen in the small moments that come to you without a plan, without a reason. Enjoy them. Celebrate them. Revel in them. You don’t even have to go any further than your own front porch or back yard. Slow down. Look around. Count your blessings. Hug your kids. Log out, unplug, shut down. If it has a screen, turn it off. You will be amazed at what you notice without electronics in your face 24/7. Take breath. And then another. And then another. Stop………and just be……Like our sheep friends, here. They get it.

Be more sheepish!!

Monday, July 28, 2014

So I'm A Little Emotional Tonight.........

........I'm kinda still a bit of a mess from the night before last....... (I started this post on Friday....it takes me a couple of days to gain enough clarity to write about it sometimes...)

More dumb decisions. Thinking I am lucky to be walking around today. Will keep the details of that to myself. I think I scared him though. I think I scared myself a bit. I know he felt bad that he couldn't stay......

......and I can't stand the reasons why he had to leave......

And I probably should just quit playing in that particular sand box altogether. It will hurt a lot less I think.

My Bug and I are both missing The Former Supposed Spouse lately. I bash him a lot, I know. Some of it he deserves. Some of it maybe not. Love was never our problem. I love him still and probably always will. He's been my best friend - when he's here - for the last 10 years. When I hurt, he's who I want to talk to. He's who I want to hold me and tell me it will be okay. And I don't know if that will ever go away...... Some days, I'm not sure that I want it to. What I do know is that I can't stand the way things are right now, and that makes me so angry and resentful I want to break shit.

I'm always the second choice. Even for the Former Supposed Spouse. His first love will always be the booze. And this last time, it ended up a threesome with pills, too. And as much as I love him, and as much time as I've spent in those rooms trying to understand........I.....just.....don't!

I miss the new guy. More than I thought I would. And THAT comes as a giant surprise. I was thinking things were moving way too fast and that some time and distance might cool things off a bit. They have. A bit more than I would have liked, I think. I was getting a text message or a "like" here and there every day. Now it's been like three days and not a word. (okay, I checked my messages and it's only been since Saturday....!!!!....what the hell is wrong with me?) Anxiety Girl comes swooping in, leaping to the worst possible conclusion without any facts to support the hypothesis......AGAIN!

I'm cranky. I'm lonely. I'm more than a little pissed.

And I'm crying.


Thursday, July 24, 2014

My House Is Empty........Finally....

.......and I celebrate how???

By staying home and just enjoying the peace and quiet.

It's amazing how much noise people can make just by walking across the floor......or kicking back in the recliner.....or having 600 friends coming and going every day......

My house guests had been here since......I dunno.....sometime before the 4th of July. The end of June, the water in their building got shut off because their landlord had gone to Mexico and forgotten to pay the water bill. That stay lasted over the weekend because the water was shut off on Friday and no one could do anything about it until Monday.

This last one lasted almost a month. And why? Well, because, once again, the landlord is an idiot - and a cheap one at that - and can't seem to get the plumbing fixed. So, not only would the toilet in their apartment not work, but the toilet in the apartment above them was leaking nasty water into their bathroom. And, the landlord decided it would just be better if everyone moved out rather than fix the plumbing........

I'll be making a call to the Renters' Association or the Landlords' Association or someone's association that can get this jag-off to make his building habitable and safe because, he seems to be more concerned with keeping the lawn mowed than fixing the damn toilets so that people don't have shit raining down on their heads.

But that's a whole other saga and I'm sure I will have another post about it later.

I was getting to a point where I was ready to just let them have the damn house.....let them pay the house payment - which is not much more that what The Former Supposed Spouse of The Former Supposed Spouse (that's a round about way of saying "the ex's ex wife".....also known as Klonopin Mom) was paying for her shitty little one bedroom apartment. That way, when he gets out, The Former Supposed Spouse can come live here with them and they can all live crazily ever after and I can just be.......free. Finally. And for good.

Messes were made. It seemed I was always feeding 6 extra people - Klonopin Mom, The Daughter, The Nephew/Grandson, The Daughter's Friend and whatever other strays came along. They did buy some groceries and they did clean up a little here and there. Sort of. In the end, in order to get the pig sty of the kitchen cleaned up, I had to make a list of exactly what I expected when I said "Clean the kitchen."

And pay her $50. (I know, I know, you don't gotta say it. It's true, I have "Sucker" tattooed on my forehead.)

The straw that broke this camel's back and forced me to kick the Monkeys back into their own circus tent was the items that went missing.

Personal, private items.

Items not intended for anyone else to use.

From my room.

From my second dresser drawer.

I told Klonopin Mom that whomever had taken them had until the end of my shift today to return them or they would have to go.

They didn't get returned.

(And by the way, eeeeww!)

And so, The Circus packed up and moved on to a new location. And Klonopin Mom did say "thank you so much for letting us stay as long as you did" and "I'm sorry about what happened. I don't know what happened to your stuff."

And I appreciate that..........it's not enough to let them back in, but I do appreciate it.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

So I'm A "Down-Ass-Chick".......

......whatever the hell that means.....
a girl that is not high maintenance, she's down for whatever and doesn't complain when you hang with the boys. "ride or die" chick
genuine, passionate, real, down to Earth, wise.......and rare.... 
According to Urban Dictionary (one of my favorite sites).

hmmmmmmm.......While I'm not certain about the "not high maintenance" thing, the rest?? Yeah, maybe. I can live with that.

And I'm not sure the person who said this about me really knows me well enough to come to that conclusion. He definitely has some opinions on how I should be running my household.....which is fine. He's entitled to his opinions. And from the outside looking in, yeah, I suppose the whole situation looks a little fucked up. Probably more than LOOKS and probably more than a LITTLE......that, I guess, would be the rare part. Not a lot of people would do what I'm doing.....and a lot of people seem to think I've lost my mind. Maybe I have. But maybe I'm also banking some good karma as well.

I like to think I'm not high maintenance......it really doesn't take much to make me happy, but a certain amount of creativity and effort and thought is appreciated.....and rewarded.......handsomely....

I try not to cause a lot of drama, but, there are certain situations in which it cannot be avoided. If doing what I think is the right thing causes drama for you because you are behaving badly? Well, that's just not my problem. Or maybe it is. You are behaving badly in my circus, and I am the Ringmaster in my circus. Don't want to be one of the Monkeys? Like a said a couple posts ago....if you want me to tell better stories, give me better stories to tell.

And you better believe there are some things that I am decidedly passionate about. My family. My friends. My job (most days). When I love, I love with everything in me. And I expect the same in return. I will fight to the death for the person that I love. The Former Supposed Spouse can verify this. I love my children to the moon and back and I have a very well developed "Mama Bear" side. You just really shouldn't mess with my kids. And my kids are the same way.....they will beat EACH OTHER to a pulp...but let someone else pick on one of them? Look out.

Not sure about wise.......I do a lot of dumb things. Make a lot of bad decisions. But, every one of those bad decisions had a lesson attached to it. So, maybe, someday, I will remember to USE some of those lessons.

Ride or die.......not yet. He invited me to go to Sturgis with him. I told him no. When I go to Sturgis for the first time, I'm going on my OWN bike, thank you.

I dunno. I like him. And that's enough for now.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

RIP My Poet Friend......

.......you will be missed.

I learned today that a good friend of mine passed last night/early this morning. He was discovered this morning by another good friend....

And you better believe I'm feeling some kinda way about that.....

There was a time when these people were my world.....life revolved around the next time I would get to see them....spend time with them.....share poems with them.....learn oh so very many lessons from them...

Some of those lessons were painful.....bad behavior on everyone's part rarely results in fairy tale endings, you see. Doesn't change my feelings for either of them - then or now. They both played a role in creating the person I am today. And though I love them differently today than I did back then......I love them still. And my sorrow is heavy and harsh......

My poet friend taught me much about writing - be yourself....find your voice....tell your stories and the hell with what anyone thinks.....be honest.....be real....be revealing....be raw......

Be brave.

Save everything.......no matter how crappy YOU think it is - someone else will think it brilliant.....

Write. Write more. Rewrite. Write. Rewrite again. Write more. Write about ev-ry-thing!

Write until the real estate whatever is bugging you is taking up in your head is an empty lot, ready to be filled with something else, something new, something different, something better.....


He taught me so many things......about writing, about living, about loving.....about life.....he taught the girl I was lessons that have served me well as the woman I have become.......

And even when I didn't like him much, he always spoke to me.....always spoke kindly to me and to my knowledge, always spoke well of me........no matter how much of a "brat" I was.....he always had a sly smile and a wink and a hug for me.......

Rest easy, good sir. I'll see you on the other side.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Class Reunion.........

So, I didn't go to either my 10 year or my 20 year class reunion. I don't know why.

Scratch that.

I do know why. At least for the 20 year reunion, I let the Former Supposed Spouse convince me that there was no reason to go see "a bunch of people who don't give a shit about you and never did." It had not yet occurred to me that that was HIS insecurity he was projecting. (I know better now class of 89....see you at the 30 year!!)

My mother has always been a big part of planning her reunions. She graduated from Havre High as well.....a couple years before I did....and she told me that the 10 year was okay....but mostly everyone was still hanging out with the same people they did in high school and everyone was busy comparing notes....how much money, how many kids, how many places, who what when where how and look at how great I'm going what have YOU been doing.....And because I had done, well, nothing....I was living in a little tiny town up the Hi-Line and hadn't even gotten married yet, I had graduated college, but didn't have a job yet, and didn't have shit for self-esteem......I decided I didn't have anything to contribute and so.....stayed home.

By the 20-year, mom said no one cared anymore who hung out with who or who was doing what. They were all just people and had a blast. But, as I mentioned, I let the dumb ass Former Supposed Spouse convince me that it was pointless and a waste of time and so I stayed home once again. I did, however, have an opportunity to go to a sort of mini-reunion in 2010. One of the girls in my class was turning 40 and was back in Havre for a surprise birthday party. Several other people who also graduated with us also showed up. We had all been friendly in high school, but not really friends.......but oh my, did we have a blast. My 40th birthday happened exactly one week later and it was the best kick off to being 40 and Fabulous that I could imagine.

Anyway, the point I was getting at was this.....although I had some regret about missing them both, it never occurred to me that any one person from Havre High School Class of 1989 - aside from my closest friends - might actually have missed me....might actually have gone to said reunions actually hoping to see me......and been disappointed when he did not.

Until Wednesday. When he told me as much. And let me drive his very cool car. A big, beautiful, beast of American Steel.

And he kinda had me from, "Wanna drive?"

Friday, July 11, 2014

So Along The Way, In Her Silence......

.......she actually found a back bone.

And I'm feeling some kinda way about that.

I took a break from the blogging. It bothers people. More precisely, it bothers some of the people I blog about. And I'm REALLY feeling SOME kinda way about that.....

My response to that it this.....

These are my stories. I have a right to tell them. If you don't like the stories I'm telling that involve you, act better. Give me better stories to tell. Otherwise, buckle up buttercup. These aren't fantasies I'm writing. This is my personal truth. And, if you've paid any attention at all, I am not only calling you on your bullshit, but owning some of my own as well.

For example, if you do not wish to be exposed for the cheater that you are (or hope to be) - and by the way, you're lucky I didn't publicly out you (I was encouraged to do so, but decided that was too bitchy) - then do not proposition me and ask me to be your dirty little secret. Especially after you just got done telling me that I deserve someone who will treat me right. Asking me to do the kinky things your girlfriend won't? DOES NOT meet that definition. And I know that's kinda been our M.O. over the last few years. You've been my soft place to fall when my world falls apart. And I loved you for that. And I'm sure I've inflicted my share of pain on you. I know I've told you a couple times that I was done with the Former Supposed Spouse only to go give in and let him back in. For that - if that hurt you - I'm sorry. But your proposition the other day made me feel like total crap. Good enough to fuck occasionally and secretly, but not good enough to be your one and only.

So, yeah. After much reflection and consternation and teetering back and forth as to should I or shouldn't I........I sent a message to your girlfriend telling her about your little "invitation." And why? Because she seems like a genuinely nice person who doesn't deserve to have that crap happening behind her back. We had a long chat. And, like all us women do when we receive news like this, the first thing we want to know is "What's wrong with me? Am I too fat for him? Am I this, am I that, am I the other thing?!"

Let me assure you, nice lady, there is NOTHING wrong with you. YOU didn't do anything wrong. If you really love him and are committed to him, it is my sincere hope that the two of you can work this out. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone also deserves to be treated with respect and dignity and honesty. I don't expect that you will read this, but on the off chance you do, I'm always willing to answer any other questions you might have.

**sighs, shakes her head, wonders if she did the right thing**

Perhaps I should have just told him no and left it at that. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If he'll do it WITH me he will do it TO me. And somewhere in that backbone I found, I also found some fucking sense of self worth. I do not want to be someone's "Nothing Better To Do" or "Secret Slut" or "Other Woman." Not anymore. I may have been all those things and more in the past, but not today.

Today I know that I am beautiful, I am smart, I am funny, I am sexy.......and I am worthy.