Sunday, August 31, 2014

Kinda Felt A Little Guilty.......

........until, of course, he opened his mouth.


These were mysteriously delivered to my house last night. The Former Supposed Spouse was behind it. And I am going to try to get through this without sounding like a completely heartless bitch, although, I'm thinking that's exactly what I'm going to be accused of being.....but anyway....here goes.

The Former Supposed Spouse calls, nearly everyday, sometimes twice a day. And I get that he's lonely and miserable and in a lonely, miserable place and that he loves me and that I'm like the one person in the world he wants to talk to everyday more than anyone else on the planet. I'm not sure that's how he SHOULD feel, but that's what it is.......

And that's a helluva lot of pressure for one person.....it's quite a high standard to live up to, being some one's everything......a standard I've fallen far short of since his unfortunate incarceration. I won't bore you all to death with a recounting of my many and varied sins. If you've been following along at all, you already know.

Sometimes, I just need a night off.......a night to just......"disappear" for a while. To not be any one's anything. To just ..... be. And I did. I took the kids to grandma's and, well, disappeared. And I let the calls go to voice mail.....

And while I was "disappeared" The Former Supposed Spouse orchestrated this.....well, I'm sure he thinks it's some grand romantic gesture....that I should be wildly impressed at his ability to pull it off despite his unfortunate incarceration. And I guess I should appreciate the effort. And I do.

It's just that.....well......after being together for 10 plus years you would think he would remember that I'm not a huge fan of red roses. Stargazer lilies are, in fact, my favorite. And the fact that he HAS TO accomplish this despite his unfortunate incarceration is enough to send me over the edge. At this point, it would be MORE romantic - for me anyway - if I could beat him over the head with the damn things, scatter the petals over the bed and then fuck on top of them. And not necessarily him!!

And I kinda felt a little bad, this morning, because when I came home last night, I didn't even go upstairs. I went to directly to bed. And when The Former Supposed Spouse called first thing this morning, he of course was looking for all kinds of props and atta-boys for something I didn't even know about yet. And he, of course, was all butt hurt because he wasn't getting the appropriate amount of gratitude from me. And so, the feeling sorry for him lasted all of about 12 seconds. And then I was pissed. Pretty flowers and pretty words and pretty promises and pretty rings........and they all mean about the same thing.....

NOTHING!!

And they don't even smell pretty!!!

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Yes, I Work Retail......

.......but that doesn't mean you can treat me like some subservient piece of crap.

I have worked in the retail/customer service/human service field at various jobs with various levels of exposure to the general public all of my adult life.....and even before my adult life because my working life began at 16 with my first job at McDonald's. Back when they still made you wear the polyester monstrosity of a uniform.....   Yes. I am, in fact, that old.

And I have run across some doozies for customers in all these years from all walks of life...but there's always a common theme.....

They all seem to hold the belief that because my "title" includes the word "service" that somehow translates to "servant" and I am therefore required to kiss your ass or step and fetch for you or put up with your abusive, albeit colorful, language. Let me assure you, dear customer, I am not.

And so, the following is a list of things that I may or may not have experienced myself in the retail world that you really just shouldn't subject your customer service professional to EVER.....

1. And I CANNOT stress this enough......you really should not throw things at your customer service person. Never. Not ever. Because chances are, you will be thrown out of the store. I will have a smile on my face while I'm doing it and I will tell you to have a nice day, but I will not be happy to see you again.

2. You are not allowed to call your service person names, no matter how stupid or lazy or crazy YOU think they are being. Because chances are, the problem you are experiencing is one of your own creation. (You mean to tell me that if I don't pay my credit card bill, they will close my line of credit?!) Um, yes, and welcome to the wonderful world of credit cards. You charge things, you pay the bill. It's really that simple.

3. You are not allowed to get pissed off at me becuase my corporate office (in THEIR infinite wisdom - which is another blog post all by itself) will not allow me to stock my shelves with things *I* know will sell, but instead only sends my what *they* think my store will sell. And NO STORE stocks EVERY part for EVERY gadget they sell. Replacement parts have to be ordered. That's just how it is. Get used to it.

4. You - and I know this is hard to believe - are NOT my only customer. While you are having decision making issues, I have ten other people waiting who already know what they want and also believe that THEY are my ONLY customer. So as much as I would LOVE to hold your hand while you decide if you want red or black cherry or metallic silver or just plain old white because YOU have taken the entire afternoon off for your shopping adventure, I have shit to do today.

5. You are not allowed to leave a mess in the dressing room. I don't expect you to put your items back where they belong on the floor, but I do expect you to at least make an effort to put them back on the hanger or folded neatly on the bench......NOT balled up in a bunch and shoved underneath said bench or strewn all over the floor. I don't care what you do at home, I am not your mother and I have neither the time NOR the inclination to clean up after your entitled ass.

6. If you put something in your cart in one area of the store and take it to another area of the store and then decide not to buy it after all, you are not allowed to just put it down anywhere you feel like. Take it back to where you found it. At the very least, take it back to the service desk IN that department. Please. And thank you.

7. And on the same theme as number 6, all the shirts that were folded neatly in a stack look EXACTLY the same. Please DO NOT unfold every single one of them! Please, just don't.

8. Poor planning on your part does not constitute and emergency on mine. If you don't pay your power bill, then yes, the power company does have the right to turn your power off. Regardless of the time of year. We all struggle from time to time and I have been "low-income" myself. However, just because you are low enough income to qualify for some assistance, that doesn't mean you don't still have to be responsible. Grow up. And welcome to the real world.

9. Finally.....tip your cook. If you are in a restaurant and you are served a good meal, yes, tip your server of course. But also remember that your server did not PREPARE your tasty food. A whole other completely separate person did that. So tip them, too. There are a few in this small town who are extraordinarily good at what they do and deserve to be recognized. Sweet Luscious employs a few of them. So does the Uncle. And Andy. And the Greek.

Oh and I would add.....if you're going to bring your children shopping or to appointments with you please for the love of Mike keep them on a leash - so to speak. Because Jesus, Mary and Joseph they don't pay me enough to look after them for you!

If you can't keep all these rules of mine in mind - I know, it's a good sized list - just remember The Golden Rule and treat your service person as you would like to be treated. I'm fairly certain YOU don't want to be cussed at or hung up on or have things thrown at you, right? So why in the HELL would  you think I want to put up with it??

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

People Seem To Think I've Lost My Mind.......

.........when in fact, exactly the opposite is true.

And let me amend that just a titch......SOME people think I've lost my mind.




I will grant you that sometimes, I write about some crazy shit. But that's only because in my life? Some kinda  crazy stupid shit happens every SINGLE DAY!!

And if I didn't DO SOMETHING with all that crazy shit, it would eat me alive from the inside out. And I really would lose my mind. And the men with the flashy white coats with the big ass buckles would be coming to haul me away.

Which I gotta say, on days when the bat-shit crazy stuff is coming from all directions (and maybe even another dimension or two) those flashy white coats with the big ass buckles don't really sound all that bad. I'm fond of the saying "I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I so richly deserve." An extended "vacation" in a secure facility (yeah, that means I can't get out but it ALSO means no one can get IN), medicated to such a degree that I don't have to think about anything??? I dunno. Sounds good to me some days.

There are more people LIKE me than not. There are more people who have equally crazy shit going on in their lives than not. And because I choose to share my mess, the message becomes that you can get through anything because I did. Do I ALWAYS follow my own advice? Do I always stop doing stupid people shit when I say I should?? Oh HELL to the NO!!

Some things.................well, some things are just too good to live without no matter how much it hurts afterwards.

Ten years of clamping a hand over my mouth and biting my tongue and not saying what I want to say and doing bad things and trying to keep those things a secret? Is enough already. I'm done being a door mat. I'm done letting people  - at least the people who come and go in my life - do and say and ask for shitty things without being called on it. You've heard the expression " jus' sayin'". Well, that's exactly what I'm doing. Jus' sayin' all OVER the place. I have simply reached a point in my life at which I no longer give a flying fig what people in general think of me. I am who I am and I live my life the way I live my life. And I choose to share it with the world and you know what???

I may indeed have lost my mind, but I've also found my voice.

Some people say I'm airing my dirty laundry, but I say I'm exorcising my demons.

I'm not hiding from who I am, I'm finding my true self - flaws and kinks and twists and all.


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday.....

This is a blog meme that my blogger friend over at Airing My Dirty Laundry is hosting. Just like Succinctly Yours, only it's on Tuesday. And you make a list of things it's OK to be okay with.

Ah-hem. I think maybe my lists of things to be okay about might possibly maybe sometimes be a little more risque than should be tackled here in this link, so, for the sake of my dignity (what there is left of it...) I shall try to keep it PG.......13.....+......

And this week's It's Okay list is dedicated to my very best friend, Miss T........I'm worried about you my girl. And just like you wish I could see myself through your eyes? I wish you could see yourself through mine. We are both amazing, vibrant, beautiful, strong, self-possessed, vital and determined women.

It's okay......

......to sometimes feel fat and ugly. But, like I was telling you last night, you can't live there. You don't fit the profile for "Fat and Ugly-town" anyway my girl. You never have. And you never will!

......to do dumb things. Once in a while. Learn from them. Try not to do them over and over again. Don't beat yourself to death over them. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move the hell along. To the next one. Because, if nothing else, dumb things done make for GREAT stories later......

......to feel a little insecure from time to time. But you can't live there, either. Because, once again, you are far too fabulous - we are ALL far too fabulous - to let a few extra pounds or being a couple years older rain on our Fruit Loop parade. 40 is fecking fabulous.......BELIEVE that!!

......to worry about your kids.......and other people's kids......and how all those kids might affect a future relationship. You need to decide now, before the kids get involved, if someone else's kids are a deal breaker. Because I will tell you this....if a kid bonds with you and then you break up? It will be 10 times harder on them than on you.

.....to have some cocktails and be crazy....in fact, I recommend such behavior on a regular basis.

And when all else fails, just ditch the boys. They will always come and go. But girlfriends?? Girlfriends are forever.

Every Once In A Very Blue Moon........

.........I come across people who actually WANT to be a feature story here in my little psychodrama. So much so that he actually gave HIMSELF a nick name........

Meet Sweet Luscious.......I suggested Big Sexy, because, well, he is, but he insisted, so okay. You win, Sweet Luscious, you sexy beast, you!

I have to admit, I don't have much to write about. Yet. Last night was fun, but there were far too many people around. Some suggestions for developing stories were tossed about last night....and are still being talked about this morning......but no actions were taken. Sweet Luscious was a little distracted last night, but who knows what the future may hold.

For now I'll just say this......

He's fun. He's funny. He's kinda cute. I'm interested. And my imagination is running wild. You know where to find me. Hit me up. Give me some good stories to tell! Wink wink.

Oh, and that thing that's happening the first weekend in October?? You are so invited......

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Succinctly Yours Week 178


Sadly, Felix could only hope the hateful stares he fixed upon his careless human would somehow cause him to fall through the window, thus ending his squishy exile.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

I HATE the term "BFF".........

.......but I have one girlfriend that truly is a "best friend forever."

Allow me to introduce you to my friend T......


We first met in junior high. I was in 7th grade, she was in 8th and we were both members of the Masonic service organization for young women called Rainbow. Our Mother Advisor Mrs. Mercer is probably rolling over in her grave because of the outfits we are wearing in this picture....that's a silver brocade corset I have on and we are both wearing thigh-high patent "leather" boots (the kinky boots, if you recall). But I digress.....

Ever since junior high, T and I have been close friends. Not as close as some of my other friends, but we kept in touch over the years as to what we were doing and where we were and how are the kids and blah blah blah.....

Her life has taken her to some amazing places and she's accomplished some amazing things (She made a movie....a MOVIE!! It's called The Virgin Murders and you can buy it here. It's awesome. Check it out.)

She's lived in cities from coast to coast and even spent a little more than a year in Scotland. And now she's back. In our hometown. Doing whatever she had to to get her daughter on a better path and give her a better life.

I have always admired her. She's always been......different from the rest of us. She has a style all her own and is not afraid to show it, nor is she concerned at all about what people think. She is beautiful. She is strong. She is amazing. And I have often wished I could be more like her.......

Since she has been back here, we have been spending a lot of time together. We work together - well, we work at the same place and once in a while we get to work together. In fact, it's largely because of her that I have my job. She recommended me to my boss. She's been my standing Friday night date for the last few months....sometimes Wednesdays too. And, while sometimes those evenings out have ended in a drunken mess, lots of times, there were some amazing conversations......

It is largely because of Miss T that I have found my inner strength again. Because when she first found me right after The Former Supposed Spouse made his untimely exit, I was a mess. I was completely convinced that I was completely unlovable, that no one would ever want me again, that I was the sole cause of The Former Supposed Spouse's troubles.......I was fat and ugly and stupid and this was the best my life was ever going to be.

She convinced me otherwise. There have been more than a few tear-filled evenings. And through all those tears, she helped me to discover again what I have probably always known.....and maybe just forgotten.....

I am beautiful. I am stronger than I think I am. Not only am I able to work, but I am a valuable employee. I am a good mother. I have something to offer the world. And here's the kicker......I'm allowed to do dumb things once in a while. I'm allowed to make dumb decisions and dumb choices and fall in love with dumb people. Everybody does. EVERYBODY DOES. But just because I do dumb things, I am not a dumb person, so what I am absolutely NOT allowed to do EVER is allow those dumb decisions and choices and people to define who I am or what I am worth.

Dumb choices and dumber people might knock me down from time to time, but it doesn't matter how dirty I get. What matters is how well I get back up and dust myself off. Living well and being happy DESPITE the hurt those dumb people inflict is the ONLY thing that matters.

Thank you, my friend, for reminding me of all those things I had forgotten. I love you to the moon and back!

Friday, August 15, 2014

There Must Be Something Here.......

......that He can't ..... or doesn't want to......live without....

And by the way?

Buckle up bitches!! This one could get bumpy!

I've been working on this one for a while now. The more recent thoughts are in italics. Like this one.

There have been two different girlfriends now.....the first one was easy because she wasn't here.....it's a little trickier now because this one actually lives here....but He still finds his way into my bed occasionally. I know her. I like her. The Former Supposed Spouse is good friends with her. And I'd like to say that makes it harder for me to participate, but the truth is......it just doesn't. And knowing that is so wrong? Changes nothing. And I swore up and down that I would never be That Girl again. And I just got done calling some other idiot out for even asking me to participate in such activities. And I can justify it with Him six ways from Sunday (I had him first, He keeps initiating contact, He must not be too concerned because we go out together in public and people see us all over each other.....he told me he loved me.......) and that still doesn't make it right.

I love him. God help me, but I do.

And God help me even more, because that makes me such a fucking hypocrite. So much so that I am completely disgusted with myself. And why? Because I let myself become exactly what I said I would never be again......a "dirty little secret"......a "nothing better to do".......an "only when she's not around".......and this one is my favorite and the most recent excuse.......an "only when she won't put out"...... Because why would you stay with someone who isn't meeting your sexual needs? That's a deal breaker for me, jus' sayin'...

And like I said in another post on this SAME SUBJECT.......I need, I deserve.....I am WORTHY of SO much more than that.

It's been a very long time since I've been so.......affected......by anyone. Not even The Former Supposed Spouse. The instant I spotted Him that first night in the bar, I knew it was gonna happen. Our eyes met and He was by my side instantly.......and the fact that He is a little dangerous? Just turns me on all the more. Flame and moth. Spider and fly........Predator and prey.

I love the look on His face when we're into it......teeth bared, eyes open, almost angry.....growling, grabbing, scratching, biting, pushing me down and holding me there, forcefully encouraging me to participate .....it's fierce and carnivorous and vicious and hot as fuck and I fucking love it. And then the next time, He is so gentle and sweet and tender......when I am in the midst of my orgasm and my back starts to arch, he slides his arm under me to support me. When we're done and I'm hot and sweaty, He lifts up my hair and blows gently on my neck to cool me off.

And that's not love......that's lust......pure, fantastic, unadulterated LUST.....and my trouble here is that I keep trying to make more out of it than that. So He brings me lunch once in a while. And he helps clean up the yard and lift heavy things once in a while......I can find any number of big, strong, tattooed, felonious types to help me with that shit.

And lust, no matter how powerful, is like 4th of July fireworks.....it burns hot and bright and even beautiful for a while......but it eventually burns out if there's nothing else behind it. For a while, I thought there was. Something more behind it. When I needed Him, He showed up. Helped me get through some pretty awful stuff........and he told me he loved me. But He doesn't do any of that anymore.

I'm a twisted little biscuit. He is twisty in a lot of the same ways. And that has the potential to be either extraordinarily phenomenal, or horrifically awful. He brings out a side of me that has been wanting to come out and play for a while now.....a wild side.....a wanton, wicked, willful, reckless, lascivious, completely hedonistic creature who, seemingly, knows no limits....a nymphomanaical superwoman, if you will.....she's down for anything, anywhere, anytime with anyone.....and, apparently, the riskier and the more potentially scandalous, the better.

And something happened a couple of weeks ago (not with Him, but someone else) that made me realize perhaps I was crossing a line. Or two. And that if I keep engaging in such behaviors, eventually, something was going to happen - some situation was going to arise that I couldn't get myself out of. And that scares the hell out of me. As it rightly should. Because while twisty is good, twisty people aren't always.

So here it is Friday night. And I'm not at PJ's. And it's been 48 hours since I've had any contact with Him. And it's all I can do to keep from hitting the send button. And it's midnight. And I keep thinking about what I'll say if HE hits the send button. But - and maybe not so deep down - I know that he's not the one. He's not what I need in the long run. I'm better than this. I deserve better than this. And if He can't see that? Well then He damn sure doesn't deserve me.


Thursday, August 7, 2014

My Life Is So........

.......surreal.........sometimes.

It's the only word that describes it really. Sometimes, I think you can't write fiction this weird.

Take tonight for instance.

I'm sitting here. In my room. In my "jammies" minding my own business on Facebook. (and yes, I meant the irony of that statement.) And I'm talking about things that happened about a hundred and fifty years ago with people I knew about as long ago.

A question was posed about how we met. I recall the "where" and the "when" but the how is a tiny bit fuzzy. I have a vague memory of being at a party on a rainy night. It was winding down a little and he asked me if I wanted to get out of there. I said sure. 'Cause he was cute and I was newly single. Even if he wasn't, exactly. I didn't ask many questions. He took me to a bar - funny, because I was underage. (Good thing they didn't ask many questions, either.) We were shooting pool and he did the timeless "slide-up-behind-her-and-show-her-how-to-shoot-a-combo" maneuver.

Oh, he was such a smooth operator. And I was so very young and so very naive. And I was so much more easily impressed with giant penises back then. Of which, he had one. (She lapses into wistful remembering......I imagine he still does......and I imagine it still works just fine.) Today I know that it is SO not the size of the pencil, but the way one signs his name.

And as I'm having this conversation with him, on the T.V. is Honey Boo Boo. And I was actually kind of paying attention to it. A little. Enough that I could retell some of what happened. (shudders) The state of American television is a subject for a whole 'nother post.

The thing that inspired the conversation between him and I was a post instructing my friends to post a one-word comment about how we met. He said "stalker." My sister from another mister just posted "vomit."

And with that, I'm out. I'm laughing far too hysterically to possibly write another coherent thought. Look for the story behind "vomit" in a future post!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Best.....Night......


EVER!!!!


And these two amazing ladies are part of the reason why!! Sometimes, the planets align just right and the whole thing comes together without much planning at all. I happened to have an extra ticket for Monsters of Rock, Melody happened to be working at the taco booth at the Montana State Fair, she was going to be in the Falls anyway.......so we made it a date. We get there and go charging up to the front (front row, center - more about that later) and who do we find? My Shelli!!

And, mind you, not a single one of us spoke to the others before hand.....the wardrobe choices were purely coincidence!!

And you know, I don't have a whole bunch of experience with this type of thing to be completely objective, but this was the BEST CONCERT EVER!!!!

I waited, oh I dunno, 20 some odd years to see these bands......I've been to more concerts in the last two years than I have been in my life and I'm LOVING IT!!

There was Stephen Pearcy, formerly of Ratt.....


Who, while definitely older, wasn't NEARLY as "haggard" as my friend Tina would have me believe....

And Lita Ford.....


Who is just as hot and rocked just as hard as she ever did.......

And, finally, Warrant....one of my top-ten, all-time favorite bands. And while I miss Jani Lane, Robert Mason does a fantastic job. And I waited all night to hear my favorite song.....and when they played "Cherry Pie" everyone lost their minds.....


And when I say we were front row center? I mean, we were front-row-pushed-up-against-the-barrier-boobies-hanging-over-it, center......and I may or may not have had a little crush on the bass player for Warrant.....or maybe my camera did.....I seem to have a LOT of pictures of him......I think I said before......there's just something about the boys with the big......strings.

And I came away with some souvenirs......


The one on the left is Lita Ford's set list that her roadie handed to me and a pick that Robert Mason handed to me after the show. The one on the right is the marketing poster that some friends saved just for me. And You are right.....they will look awesome all in a frame together. And thank You for making it possible. You are a rock star too and I love you!!

It was a great night......one I will never forget!

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Succinctly Yours Week 179


This week's picture immediately brings to mind a Zac Brown Band song......

"I got my toes in the water
Ass in the sand
Not a worry in the world
A cold beer in my hand
Life is good today."

Life really is good today. While the view beyond MY toes may not be so grand and beautiful as this one, it is one that I have struggled to attain and fought to keep. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway. It may not be much to anyone else, but it's mine. And I love it. And I'm happy.