Sunday, September 28, 2014

And Apparently, It's a Hunger......


.....food just won't fucking fix.

I probably already knew that. But, my overworked brain says to me, "Eat something. You'll feel better if you eat something!"

16 bread bites, four wings and a slice of pizza later? Nope.

Didn't fix it.

and I guess someone does still use Yahoo! Messenger.....

And I'm pretty sure I could wrap him around my finger with not a lot of effort. I did that once before. I won't do it again. Fairly confident I caused him pain. Real pain.....not the pain-in-the-ass because she won't fucking shut up kind of pain that I cause some people.......

But real pain. Heartbreak, even.

And I'm always stunned by that, when it happens. I'm not the kind of woman who wrecks hearts. I'm the kind of woman whose heart gets wrecked. And when it happens I always feel like one of those gawkers driving real slow past the scene of a fatal car crash........I could see the crash coming. I could say I did nothing to stop it, but I told him straight up I wasn't looking for a relationship. And I should have gotten out of the way of it but I didn't......

And there must be something in the water.......

I've seen a couple of posts from a couple of people....men people (Sweet Luscious, precisely)......that are so uncharacteristically......

what's the word I'm looking for here.....

unbitter? Is that it? hopeful, maybe?

......that I'm beginning to wonder if maybe we aren't living in The End Times after all.

#it'screepingmeout #stopitalready #whatthefuckisupwiththat 


Thursday, September 25, 2014

He's Like a Demon.......

.........who refuses to be exorcised........

Every time I think I'm done and over it, he does something sweet. Like send me this.....

 And tells me I'm an angel......

And this......

...to say what, exactly?

That He's my protector?? That He still has a shoulder for me when I need it? That's laughable. Wolves mate for life and only the Alphas get to have any fun. And while He may be the Alpha Male, I am decidedly NOT the Alpha Female. Oh, He's the Devil, I know it. And I do not know what it will take to cure myself of the fever he has created. And I do not know why I continue to waste tears over Him. I suspect He will be one of those people who just stick with me for the rest of my life. There's a couple of them.

And that makes me wonder if anyone still uses Yahoo! Messenger?? I logged back on today with my old Yahoo ID just to see. I had forgotten who all was in my contact list. Interesting..... I suppose not with the advent of Facebook and it's messaging app. And yes I know everyone is probably getting a little tired of me obsessing over Him. Him included. If He's really happy where He's at I should think He would just like me to fade quietly into the background and be done with it. But like those pennies He gave me so long ago, He just keeps turning up.

And judging from my stats today, someone is reading who hasn't before....I know this because of the page views clear back to March....and let me tell you, March was an interesting month. And so was April. And May. And even though I didn't write much over the summer, so was summer. And now that summer is over.......I don't know. And compared to some people, I know. My "problems" are minuscule and of my own creation. Melancholy has settled into my soul and I don't know how to get rid of it.

If you have suggestions......

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Changing Leaves, Apples, Football and Soup......

.......are just a few of my favorite things about fall.

And it always seems to sneak up on me. I never seem to know where the summer went. All of a sudden, the kids are going back to school, the leave are changing and falling, and it's dark by dinner time.

It is my favorite time of year. The weather becomes less extreme and warm days with still a hint of summer fade into crisp nights. I like to leave the windows open and throw and extra blanket on my bed. I also LOVE that our local television station has Weather Rookie Wednesday where they choose a cutie patootie from one of the elementary schools to do the weather on the morning news. Very cool.

While I'm not the biggest fan of pumpkin (see the Hey, It's Okay Tuesday post) some things pumpkin are awesome.

Pumpkin pie with a ton of whip cream.....

pumpkin cake with a thick layer of cream cheese frosting.....

even pumpkin cheesecake is all right.

I still maintain that not everything should be offered in pumpkin spice flavor.

Apples. I *LOVE* apples......

crisp, tart, sweet, baked in a pie, steeped in wine, baked whole, made into sauce or butter or jelly or juice......










But my absolute favorite??
Dipped in caramel with some flaky sea salt.........YUM!

Fall is football season and I love it all......from the littlest dudes to the pros......football is awesome!! And even though I am so disappointed that my beloved, gorgeous Jared Allen #69 is now playing for the Bears? I am still, and will forever remain, a Minnesota Vikings fan. And my Jared Allen jersey is now a collectors' item, right??


And if someone wants to buy me these slippers, I wouldn't say no!!


Last but not least, cooler weather means soup for supper. There are few things more satisfying and healing and warming than a nice big bowl of scratch made soup. I love to smell it cooking all day long....beef barley, potato, beef stew, chicken noodle......I have to admit that's on my top ten list of things I do miss about The Former Supposed Spouse......his potato soup is beyond delicious! He cooks a ton of bacon until it's crispy and then uses the drippings to make a roux.......SO good!


And this was supposed to be a Wordless Wednesday post with all the pictures.......but I just can't help myself from rambling on.....

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday.....

I keep forgetting that it's Tuesday.....

.....it's okay to NOT like Pumpkin Spice Absolutely EVERYTHING. Some things were just not meant to be Pumpkin Spice flavored.

.....it's OKAY to not like to get up early (5:30 a.m.!!!!) and go to your exercise class. Just remember how much better you feel when you do.

.....it's OKAY to enjoy an evening out once in a while. Just make sure you have a designated driver. Yes, Mr. Minnesota, I know. I should have called you BEFORE the cop offered me a ride home instead of after.

.....it's OKAY to crank the music up and just jam. To hell with what the neighbors think. Music soothes the savage soul. Loud music does it SO MUCH better! Loud rock 'n roll does it the very best of all!!

.....it's OKAY to obsess every once in a while......about lots of things......even people.....even new and interesting people...even people you probably shouldn't be obsessing about....and maybe even some you should. 'Cause you never know....the new and interesting might be better for you than the old and familiar. You just can't live there. It will eat you alive......

Should get this in just under the wire. It's still Tuesday where I live!

Have a great Wednesday, y'all!!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Once Again It's Midnight......

......and I am far, FAR too distracted by things I have no business being distracted by......

......entertaining notions that no good can come of......

But the Bat-Shit Crazy Woman in me still chooses to do so....

And this one? This One wouldn't probably end any better than the last one. And the Big Bad Former Supposed Spouse (yes, you should hear the sarcasm dripping from that statement) would have plenty to say about This One also, I'm sure.........

.....and so I wait and I wonder......

.....and once again I don't sleep......

I'm A Girl........

.......and I have girl parts. And they try to kill me on occasion.

That may be overstating it just a tad.......one of my girl parts tried to kill me. The rest just make me so miserable once a month that I wish for death......or for the alien baby that has taken up residence in my uterus to just - burst forth - already.

I will be 44 in a couple of months.

The Change is beginning.

And let me tell you, I am barely just beginning this delightful adventure and I'm already not a fan.

I don't like waking up in the middle of the night soaking wet to such a degree that I not only have to change whatever I'm sleeping in, but also have to change the bedding and blow dry my hair because the Night Sweats Monster has struck.

I don't like flushing from the neck to the top of my head and having to have paper towels handy at all times to mop the sweat from my face and neck because the Hot Flash Demon has invaded my body.

I don't like not knowing when shark week is going to commence. For the last 7 years, ever since I had myself fixed, it has come every 28 days like clockwork. Now, it might be 28 days it might be 40 days. It might be 10 days. And it may continue for more than 7 days. THAT'S always a treat.

It's also a treat to not know (or at least not realize) why, at the drop of a hat, I'm bawling and then five minutes later a raging bitch and then a few minutes later completely sweet and loving and on top of the world.  And the next day be so fucking exhausted I don't feel like I have the energy it would require to turn over so I COULD get out of bed, let alone actually GET OUT of it. And then Jaws shows up and the light bulb goes off and it all makes sense.

And don't even get me started on the on/off/turbo switch that is my sex drive. It is, then it isn't, then it's out of control......and I'm not exactly complaining about it (other than the current lack of outlets for it) but a slightly more even keel would be, better. Maybe.

Perhaps it is time to visit the gyne squad and see if replacement hormones are in order.

Meantime, I have some reading to do......

Perimenopause......

Menopause.....


Thursday, September 18, 2014

Son Of A.......

.....bitch!! There are days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed, let alone leave the fucking house.

Bad news on Facebook this morning. More on the radio today - all day every hour on the hour.......

And then, to cap off the shit fest yesterday was......my best friend goes to jail!!

The total and complete unfairness of life makes me want to KILL SOME SHIT!! The going to jail thing was our own stupid fault. We knew better. And I feel bad because she was driving my drunk ass home.

But the other two items?

My heart is breaking. My stomach is in knots. I was SO NOT in the mood for the lecture from The Former Supposed Spouse.......like he can talk about being stupid when you're drunk......13 TIMES!!!

I found a dirt road and got lost for a little while this afternoon. Got just about eaten alive by vicious mosquitoes. Something about physical labor clears a persons head a little. Watching big, strong, men at work is always good. And many hands make light work. And now I have some wood for my little fire pit in the back yard.

I know I'm stating the obvious........but.....

Brain tumors absolutely BLOW when they dare to take fabulous people from this planet.

And child molesters should be strung up in the town square and stoned to death.

I hate them both.

That is all.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Overnight Guests........

.......when you're used to sleeping alone is......well......interesting.

He spent the night. A rare occurrence these days. And I don't remember being annoyed by it before. In fact, quite the opposite. I was really getting used to the snuggling all night long, legs all tangled up arms wrapped around each other, my head on his chest.....he doesn't even snore all that bad. And I can smell him for days after he's gone.......not a bad smell.....just a man smell......musky, mixed with cars and kitchen and tobacco......

And when He works his magic, finding a dry space to sleep is sometimes a challenge. And I get not wanting to sleep there because it's cold after a while. Kind of like when you crawl out of a lake in the middle of the night......it's nice while you're in the water, but when you come out, it's fucking freezing. And, done right, I can make a fucking lake......

But this last time, I don't know. I SO wanted Him to stay and was SO glad that he did. But as I was trying to sleep in a foot of bed space and damn near falling off the edge and not being able to sprawl out as I have become accustomed to........I was getting.......I dunno........a little irritated.

I finally woke his ass up and made him move over because by this time, it's 4 a.m. and the alarm is gonna ring at 6:30 a.m. and it's Sunday so I have to go to work. Granted, not until 11, but I still have to get up and dressed and go out into public.

****sigh****

I miss those Saturday mornings when we would just snuggle in and snooze until almost noon. Sip coffee and watch t.v. and make out and just.......be. Together. Usually listening to the rain fall outside. I miss the Friday nights before the Saturday mornings. I miss the Wednesday nights......and the occasional other nights.......Memorial Day weekend........

Like I said. I was getting used to it, even beginning to look forward him being there and the bed seemed so empty without him. And was starting to think that maybe he would be here more nights than he wasn't.

Because when you tell some one you love them isn't that usually what happens??

Monday, September 15, 2014

Notes From The Ride To Work.......

I know I don't live in a place where I can say with a straight face that I have a "morning commute" to work. I have a drive. A short one, at that. From one side of town to the other, and, that amounts to about 3 miles....maybe.

Even so, there are a number of red lights that I must stop at and every once in a while as I'm sitting there (usually wondering how SO MANY idiots have licenses to drive) some other random thoughts occur to me. I seldom have a chance to write them down while I'm driving and I rarely - if ever - remember said thoughts when I get to a place where I can safely write them down.

Today for whatever reason, I felt I could take a moment and speak my thought into the notepad function on my phone to save for later.......
Why is it that the day you have to be somewhere early is always the day the child misses the bus? And then, there's always drop-off drama, and THEN, I left the house with neither my coffee nor my cigarettes so I HAVE TO stop and get some or I will be killing some shit today!
Wednesday has always been my day to go in early. My boss is usually gone to the other store and so I come in to do the deposit and open the store for the day. I usually leave shortly after the last kid gets on the bus and that puts me at work - usually with a bacon egg and cheese biscuit and an iced coffee - by 8:30 at the latest. Well, today The Boy missed the bus. So, instead of going right to work, I had to detour to his school first. And of course, at 8:15 in the morning, I am not the only parent who is dropping off a kid at school. And any of you who have had to drop your kids off at school know that there's a rhythm to these things.....there's a certain etiquette, if you will, that should be followed in order to avoid any drop-off drama.

For example....if you are the first car in the drop off line, pull ALL THE WAY up to the front of the drop off zone so that others can easily pull in behind you and not have to worry about your precious little angels flinging open their door in front of us. And when you are first in line, and I have off loaded my darlings before you do, I will wait, somewhat patiently, for you to pull out and be on your merry way since you are, after all, first in line. So don't get all pissy and screech away because I waited for you instead of cranking my wheel in order to pull out ahead of you. Yes, I see your blinker. Yes, I know what it means. Yes, I will wait for you. Just GO already!!

And yes, my patience for Drop-Off-Drama is somewhat diminished by the fact that, as I mentioned, I left the house with neither coffee nor cigarettes so please, appreciate the fact that I have exercised ENORMOUS restraint in not jumping out of my vehicle to beat you severely about the head and neck.

Have a nice day!! Jackass!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

I'm Hurting.......

.......physically, worse than I have in a very long time.

The last time I remember being in this much pain was right before they diagnosed my hemochromatosis in 2000. What the hell is hemochromatosis, you ask? The layman's term for it is "iron overload." It's a genetic mutation that causes your body to absorb too much iron from the food you eat. Sort of the opposite of anemia, it can cause some serious troubles with you heart and your liver and your pancreas.

One of the most common - and for me, the most troublesome - symptom was the unbeLIEVEable, overwhelming, total and complete exhaustion. I couldn't GET enough sleep.....I could sleep around the clock, get up for an hour and then be ready to go back to bed and sleep around the clock AGAIN. At the time I got my diagnosis, I was working full time and was using up my sick leave faster than I could earn it. My employer had issues with just simply not paying me for the hours I missed, so near the end of my employment there, in order to be able to say I was "at work" I would have to lie down on the floor under my desk periodically during the day and take a nap.

My hands reached a point where they hurt so badly and were so weak, I could no longer type or 10-key or even hold a pen. I couldn't focus for more than a few minutes at a time. Since I was working in a field that required a great deal of attention to detail.......well, I didn't last there much longer.

And I'm sure that the folks I worked for thought I was just being a wuss or over dramatic or lazy or whatever they thought I was being......what they didn't believe was that I was really sick. And it wasn't until after I left my employment there that I actually got a diagnosis. My local doctor sent me to a rheumatologist in Billings where they did all the blood work and the physical exam and were able to rule out rheumatoid arthritis. They then did the actual genetic study to see if I had the mutation for hemochromatosis. In fact I did. And when I found that out, I also found out that several of my male relatives on my dad's side also had it.

And you won't believe the cure for it.......with all our modern medical miracles and new treatments every day and a new pill to try every day.....the cure for Hemo???

Bloodletting.

I know, right? They don't call it that anymore.....they call it "therapeutic phlebotomy" but that's exactly what it is. And you can accomplish this two ways - go to the clinic and let them hook you up to a tube and bottle and drain off a pint every two or three weeks. Or, go to the Red Cross once a month and donate blood.

Or, you can cure it like I did. I got pregnant and my first born son just sucked all that extra iron right out of me. And, I have had normal iron levels ever since.

The joint damage still remains. My liver doesn't function quite as efficiently as it should and my kidneys give me trouble every now and again. And I have been fighting with that exhaustion for the last week. And the pain has been getting steadily worse over the last couple weeks. And I'm not sure if it's a fibromyalgia flare (because the weather was so pissy all last week) or if it's my iron levels run amok again. If it doesn't change here in the next couple days, I guess I'll have to go get my iron levels checked.

Something's gotta give because living this way? In bed all day every day? Just doesn't work for me anymore.


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Just When You Think........

.......you might be losing your mo-jo and that new someone just isn't interested.......

All of sudden in the middle of the night when you are sound asleep because your night time ding biscuits kicked your ass and actually let you sleep for a change......

........text messages........

And, all of a sudden, first thing this morning.......

.......naughty pictures.........

Not from the same person.

And I don't know why you people gotta torture me so........

(And don't let me fool you, I kinda love it.....)

But a crappy morning is suddenly looking "up" a little bit....

Happy Hump Day, y'all!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

"Where Were You.......

........when the world stopped turning on that September day??"

I was hitting the snooze button for about the 900th time when my then husband came in at 7:04 to tell me that I had to get up and come out to the living room and see what was happening in New York.....

And I remember being irritated with him and I remember rambling grumpily as I was walking out to the living room "Why do I have to know what is happening in New York when all I really want to do is sleep just a little bit longer and I can because I took my shower last night and why are you bug........"

And I stopped in the middle of my sentence......

And I stood still for a moment.......

And I sank into the arm of the sofa.......

Because what had just happened in New York was that Flight 175 had just crashed into the South Tower of The World Trade Center. Seventeen minutes earlier, Flight 11 had crashed into the North Tower. And one plane, one tower....maybe that's an accident. But two? Into each of the towers? No. That's no accident.

And I don't remember much else that morning. I was late getting to work because I was glued to my television set. I remember getting to work and someone came over the intercom asking all of us to gather in the lobby and standing in a circle and holding hands and praying for all those people.....

The clearest memory I have of that day is how beautiful it was......the sky was a vibrant blue without a single cloud and the leaves on the trees were just beginning to change and there wasn't even a breath of a breeze...it was a beautiful here as it was there......and in Washington......and in that field in Pennsylvania. And it was such a contrast between the beauty of the day and the ugliness of what was happening.

Every generation has one of these days........

For my grandparents, it was a Sunday morning in December 1941. They would both talk about where they were when they received the news that the Japanese had just bombed Pearl Harbor nearly into oblivion....

For my parents, it was a Friday afternoon in November 1963. Shots rang out in Dealy Plaza in Dallas as President John F. Kennedy's motorcade passed through it on their way to a luncheon at the Dallas Trade Mart. My mother was a junior in high school. She remembers school being released early that day because no one - students and teachers alike - could keep their focus on anything beyond the shock and grief they were feeling.

For me, there have bee two such days. September 11, 2001, of course.

But the first one was January 28, 1986.

I was a freshman in high school sitting in English class - Literature of Conflict and Survival, ironically enough - when Mrs. Snoddy, the attendance lady came to the door with a note for Mr. Schmaing. He paused for a moment, read the note, raised his eyebrows, and then looked up at all of us. "I don't know if any of you care, but the Space Shuttle Challenger just blew up."

And I and the rest of my classmates just kind of sat there in stunned silence. Because this shuttle mission was kind of a big deal. Christa McAuliffe, a social studies teacher from New Hampshire, was on board to teach the very first "Lesson from Space." Mr. Schmaing remained silent for a moment......and then resumed class. I don't know about any of my classmates, but that news stayed with me throughout the rest of the day. A kind of sick feeling in the pit of my stomach....

And as it nears September 11 once again, the documentaries are rerun and I watch all of them. Somewhere inside, I guess I secretly hope that the ending will somehow change......that those towers won't fall, that all those people will get out safely, that the last plane would land safely and the hijackers be arrested instead of crashing into that field in Pennsylvania........

But it doesn't.

And then I wonder what will my children's day be? And I hope and I pray that they don't have one.


Thursday, September 4, 2014

One Look At My Post List........

.......I think would be all any shrink would need to confirm a diagnosis of adult ADHD for me....

Consider this quote.....


"Doing the dishes, and every other chore at the same time. (Good thing I'm vacuuming now because I found everything the kids stuffed under the sofa and … Wait a minute, did I feed the goldfish? Oh hey, I need to look up that one thing on the Internet about fish tanks … and maybe I'll just top off the fish tank with some water in the kitchen and … OMG THE DISHES! THE SINK IS OVERFLOWING! Wait, where did I put the goldfish?)"



The text and the picture are taken from an article posted here......titled "29 Things Only a Person with ADHD Would Understand" by Katy Rollins. (You can also read her blog at 18channels.com or follow her on Twitter @18Channels.)

And they explain - perfectly - why my house is in such a perpetual state of chaos, with tiny pockets of tidiness.....because just the thinking about where to start and what to do first and in order to do that first I have to do this and.......is enough to stall me out so that nothing ever gets done. The hyperactivity of my thoughts is more than enough to short circuit ANY activity in my body and the whole system just shuts down.

And also why my list of unfinished posts grows daily - because some random thought pops into my head and I get maybe four or five sentences written on said random thought before the next random thought comes along and I have to write a little something about that oh and this next thought would relate perfectly to that one and that reminds me.......

........and so on and so on and so on until I have as many "draft" posts as published posts. The same is true of my crafting "cabinet" (which is less like a cabinet at it is an entire ROOM in my home.....and is spilling out into other rooms of my home which reminds me I need to go through the boxes upstairs and get rid of some things. And Jesus Mary and Joseph it's gonna be a BITCH when they start the addition because everything stashed in the cubby hole under the pantry is gonna have to be moved and now that the monstrosity of an upright freezer is in front of the opening I have NO IDEA how I'm going to get at it........

......you see what I'm up against?

I don't sleep well. Is it any wonder with all of that racket going on in my brain at any given moment?! This racket, coupled with my alter ego "Anxiety Girl" (able to leap to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound) it is truly miraculous that I get any sleep at all OR manage to complete the occasional task. Of the 29 things listed in the article, I identify with every single ONE of them to varying degrees of severity.

I'm not sure how long this has been a part of my life......my teachers would ALWAYS say that "Lana could do so much better if she would only apply herself" or "Lana just cannot seem to use her time wisely enough" and I remember so many hallway conversations with teachers and professors who were going to give me
"one last chance!"

..........I dunno.......maybe it's worth looking into. However, I refuse to take yet another pill and the very thought of trying to find even ONE hour a week in a schedule I can't seem to find a way to fuckin' stick to as it is??

.......da da da DAAA!! Anxiety Girl to the rescue!!!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Hey It's Okay Tuesday.....

Wow, two Tuesdays have come and gone and I haven't posted anything......

I'm struggling to find things to be okay with today. There's a lot going on that I'm NOT okay with, but I'll give it a shot....

......it's okay to let two Tuesdays  pass without a Hey It's Okay post. Life gets busy. Last Tuesday was the last day of summer vacay for The Little Dudes. They went back to school Wednesday.

.....it's okay to be doing cartwheels because The Little Dudes are back in school. I think Grandma is as well.

.....it's okay to be "in a funk" once in a while. I am right now. I dunno why, exactly. But I am. And this, too, shall pass.

.....it's okay to just want your toilet paper to be soft and not care if the company that produces it is Democrat or Republican. (See story about this here......) Although, since my beloved Angel Soft is manufactured by Koch Industries, I may have to rethink that.

.....finally, it's just okay to NOT be okay with things. Life can't be sunshine and roses all the time. The clouds will clear eventually and the rainbow will appear. Just remember to pack your umbrella!

Have a fanTAStic Tuesday, all. Welcome back to work!

Monday, September 1, 2014

I Should Really Have My Own Season.....

.......of The Surreal Life.......

Couple of observations on yesterday..... (been a few days now.....you may or may not have noticed, I have a tendency to start things and then not finish......)

The first is that one has to be more careful, apparently, when using sarcasm. Not everyone is as fluent in it as I am and when the sarcasm is in a Facebook post or a text message, the obvious tone and inflection is glaringly absent. One does not have the vocal cues available when speaking so recipients of said text messages sometimes take you seriously. (No, I am not pregnant nor am I in any kind of secret relationship. With Mr. Minnesota or anyone else for that matter. It was just a joke. A bad one, maybe, I'll grant you. But nonetheless, just a joke.)

And talk about a Throwback Thursday...

Remember the guy I was talking about here.......?? The Smooth Operator?

Yes? Well, I've been invited to spend a weekend in Vegas with him. His treat, even. And I've never been to Vegas. And it's been a long time since I've seen him. And I know it would be fun.....

Who am I kidding.....it would be fucking amazing! He's a twisted little biscuit, too. I trust that he will take good care of me and get me home in one piece. More or less. I think. So.....

What is my hesitation? An entire weekend of hedonistic adventure.......my Inner Goddess is doing cartwheels over the idea, because She remembers.....way back before I was even aware of Her existence......his.....capabilities.....

And now that my own capabilities have become more fully developed.......I can just imagine ...... and I have been imagining......over and over and over again....driving myself to distraction, imagining!!!

Sun.......warm......sex.....fun......new places....more sex........

No worries, Smooth Operator......I've just about talked myself into it. Just a question of when....

In a Minnesota Frame of Mind.......

So, I've made a few trips to Minnesota over the years.

I have family there....one of Dad's brothers and my fabulous cousin....(we are both SO Etta Mae's granddaughters it's not even funny!!) Spent a couple of Christmases there....I still have a scar on my forehead from one of those trips......I had an unfortunate meeting with a glass coffee table and required a trip to the emergency room and I think about six stitches.

And I suppose there are some long lost vestiges of my Grandma Avis's family left there.....Thief River Falls, to be exact. It's on my bucket list. I've researched it a bit and it looks like a beautiful place. Roots. Roots are important. Knowing where yours are and I think going there - to touch and to feel the places from which you come is.....grounding.....in a way few other things are.

And I've been thinking a lot about Minnesota lately. I want to orchestrate another "escape" to Minnesota, this time to visit my fabulous cousin and have my other completely fabulous cousin from Kentucky meet me there and......I dunno.....PAR-TAY!! Raise a ruckus....drink wine....be silly....be women.....and be friends again.

........

........

Kind of in a funk today.......not sure why......

I'm lonesome.......

I'm restless.......

I'm tired......

I'm craving something but I dunno exactly what. It's no one thing or even one person exactly....

.........

Mr. Minnesota........I wish I could run away to Minnesota and hide out with him again for two weeks. That was nice. He was nice. He still is nice. But he's not very.......available.....lately. And he's being awfully cagey about why......I miss his company. We have a physical ...... I dunno if I would call it a relationship ..... but we've been known to hook up on occasion. And I miss that, definitely. But he's been my friend for a long time and he's so easy to talk to. He probably wishes I wouldn't share QUITE so much.....but I can talk to him like I can talk to one of my girlfriends and I appreciate his guy perspective. And I almost miss that more than the other......

Almost.....

And then there's the New Guy. The one I thought was maybe kinda possibly going somewhere.....

I put him on a bus a while ago, thinking he would be back before the summer was over. Thinking there would maybe be campfires and midnight drives to the lake or the mountains....or just chilling at the house watching a movie....

And then he didn't come back. Not his fault, really. He got left. But, he kinda landed on his feet. He got a job. And I know that not having one was something that weighed on him while he was here. And I miss him. And I would be so happy to see him come back. But, I am after all, a down ass chick.....so, if he's happy where he's at, then I'm just happy for him. And I wouldn't blame him if he just stayed where he's at.....

And, maybe a trip to South Dakota would be nice.....