Monday, October 20, 2014

I Am So Far Beyond Excited.......

.......about this that I cannot EVEN begin to TELL you!!!!




I just KNOW that I have a derby girl in me that is SCREAMING to come out and play!!

I even have a name picked out

 Raven Psycho a.k.a. The Elbow Chopper

(Squealing like a little girl at Christmas) EEEEeeeeee!!! I can't wait! I can't WAIT!! I CAN'T WAIT!!

About Last Night........

.....and then again this morning.

(It was actually Friday night and then Saturday morning....)

There is a new one. I'll call him Driller. And he is equally obsession worthy and, potentially, as addicting as He is (was? story for another day. maybe.)

Younger than me. Built. Former oilfield worker (hence, the nickname). He looks like one of those boys off "Black Gold." And he has that thing.....that lower abdomen cut thing.....that makes smart girls do dumb things.........very dumb things. (how can you not? It's like a damn arrow pointing right at it!!)

I am NOT light, not by any stretch of the imagination. But last night, he lifted me off of my chair and onto his lap like it was NOTH-ING!!

He was sad. And I'm a down-ass chick.....someone he can be himself around, he says. So, I went to see him and see if I could be....some sort of comfort for him. And I listened while he cried. Which, yes, I can totally appreciate is no small thing for a man to do in front of a woman, down-ass chick or not.

And you know that moment? That moment where you just want so badly to touch someone.......and you know you shouldn't......and you try to stop......but you just sit there and watch while your hand suddenly develops a mind of it's own? Yeah.

And one thing led to another......and I kinda knew it would when he suggested that I come over.

And he was impressed. He wondered aloud why the hell anyone would leave me and my many talents. He is willing to indulge me in all those things I wish for......And if it keeps up it will get......interesting.

I suspect Driller (pun intended) has a great many tricks up his pant leg. And it's driving me to distraction thinking of exactly what those may be. My Inner Goddess is doing cartwheels over the possibilities. Driller mentioned a few of them........and that would be part of the reason I'm still awake tonight.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Cheap Wine.......

.......and cigarettes.

You call me up
When you get lonely
You make me feel
Like I’m the only one you love
And when I just cant get enough
Hey hey you're like

Cheap wine and cigarettes
That kind of taste that you don’t forget
You take me high and leave me a mess
Just like cheap wine and cigarettes
Hey yeah
Hey yeah

You’re like a curse
You know I want you
Crave you wake up feeling worse
Yeah but then the night comes around
Baby I just cant put you down
I can’t put you down like

Cheap wine and cigarettes
That kind of taste that you don’t forget
You take me high and leave me a mess
Just like cheap wine and cigarettes

You're no good for me baby
But I still give into you anyway
Hey hey like

Cheap wine and cigarettes
That kind of taste that you don’t forget
You take me high and leave me a mess
Just like cheap wine and cigarettes
Hey hey

Cheap wine and cigarettes
That kind of taste that you don’t forget
You take me high and leave me a mess
Just like cheap wine and cigarettes
Hey yeah
Hey yeah
Hey yeah
Hey yeah


......the more I get, the more I want......each "fix" only feeds the crave.....

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

It Is Truly Amazing.....

......what a difference 24 hours can make in one's outlook on life.

Last night at this time, I was wound so tightly that I kinda, sorta, maybe, definitely......


And I have the bruised knuckles and sore toes to prove it.

And the hole in the wall outside the laundry room is a little bigger......



And, no, I'm not going to share the details as to whowhatwhenwhereandwhy was finally able to unwind me. But it was no small task. And it did require several hours of a very intense kind of "holistic therapy." But today, my outlook and my attitude are much more pleasing.

Kinda felt like I was........

........maybe that's a LITTLE over the top, but still.....

Just............ thank you.

I can breathe again.

When my eyes finally rolled back to the front of my head, I could see straight again.

I no longer feel like a too tightly wound string on a guitar ready to snap at any moment.

I can interact with others without feeling like I want to smack them silly.

Gonna go with the whole "letting things unfold in their own way and own time...." thing.

(((great big VERY content sigh)))

Monday, October 13, 2014

Yes. I Have An Evil Streak.....

......and it's well past time to stop playing games. If  I'm going to be done with him, it's just time to be done with him. No more letters, no more phone calls, no more anything. And if it takes a court order to accomplish that, then that's what it takes.

Like I said......I'm SO done. It was never a matter of  "if I leave him, but WHEN."

Maybe I shouldn't share so much of my private life with the public. I don't know. We all struggle. I know I'm not the only one in the world who has dealt with a long term relationship crashing and burning. My life is kind of a hot mess. But without the mess, there would be no message. I hope that by being very public with my life and the people in it, someone else sees something of themselves in it. 

I'm human. I make mistakes. I fall in  love with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time. But I still love. And when I do, I love with everything in me. I still get up every morning and try to be better than I was yesterday. Sometimes I am and sometimes I fail. Miserably. And EPICALLY! But I still get up.

I sent this letter to The Former Supposed Spouse today. And I'm sure there will be a shit storm when he gets it. And I'm sure that he will make all KINDS of assumptions about "the real reason" I'm done with him. And none of it will be correct. I need this for me. And no one else.

Monday, October 13, 2014

I can’t do this anymore.

I thought that I still loved you and that I could do this one more time – let you come home and try to rebuild our broken life and finally have our happily ever after, but I can’t. I’m just going through the motions. I tell you that I love you, but I know in my heart it’s not really true. Just like you do with me, I tell you what I know you want to hear so that we don’t have to fight and scream at each other all the time. I tell you that I plan on letting you come home, but I don’t. I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I do not want you here. I think it would be better for all of us – for _____, for _____, for you, for me……if you went and lived with them when you get out. I know that as far as _____ is concerned, I will always be the evil bitch that tore her family apart. I was the other woman, regardless of what your relationship with _____ was like at the time, you were there, you were part of their daily life and your relationship with me took that away from them. And while I don’t think ___ and I stood much of a chance with or without you in the picture, I’ll never know because I chose your addiction over his. Yours was a demon I knew how to deal with. He has demons I don’t even know what to call them. I feel like I robbed my son of a stable, consistent family life. And although I think he has adapted – sort of – I have a tremendous amount of guilt over that.

And I’m tired. I’m tired of arguing. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of the lies and trying to remember what I told you before because God forbid I say something different next time because you lay in wait just HOPING to catch me in a lie and beating me up with it day after day when you do. Yes, I have lied to you. Often. And often, badly. I’m not good at it. And I hate myself for doing it. I’m hurting you. And I’m sorry for that. And I take FAR too much delight in throwing your stupidity in your face. And I’m sorry for that too. Once in a great while, we do manage to have a civilized conversation, but those are rare. And they’re not about anything that matters, really. It’s the same old song and dance……”When I get home, I’m gonna……..” and you might try for a while and for a while, I believe that maybe things really have changed. And then it all just stops and pretty soon we’re right back where we started. You’re drunk and then you’re locked up. And we’ve been down this road enough times that I really don’t believe that it’s ever going to change. And if I don’t get myself out of this cycle now, the next time might just kill me.

Even all those years ago, I don’t think I chose to be with you because I really loved you. I think I was simply choosing between the lesser of two evils. At the time, I thought that was you. Having lived with this crap for the last 11 years – you’re here, you’re gone, you’re here, you’re gone – I’m not sure I made such a smart choice. If I really loved you, I wouldn’t have done all the things I have over the many times you’ve been gone.

And DO NOT get this twisted……..this has NOTHING to do with anyone else. This is me deciding to stand up for myself and what I need. It’s not about The Drunk Dialer or Mr. Minnesota or Super D or The New Guy or whoever else you think I’m sleeping with. This is what I want and what I need to feel normal again. You and I are toxic for each other. I know this because I am always happier, in general, when you are not around. I have sad moments when I do genuinely miss you. You have your moments when you can be my best friend. But when all I need is for someone to listen, you can’t do that. And of course I miss you, but that is simply because I miss having someone sleeping in the bed next to me. And when I think of all the hell we’ve put each other through, I keep coming to the same conclusion……we’d both be better off without each other.

I hope that you do finally get it together and do all the things that you’ve said you’re going to. You don’t need to do it for me. You need to do it for yourself and for your kids. THEY need you so much more than I do. I think maybe this time I’ve finally done enough damage that there is no going back. You’ll never be able to let it go and will always be throwing it in my face and rubbing it in and making me feel even worse than I already do. I don’t need that. Life is too fucking short to be miserable all the damn time.

And don’t worry about your fucking stuff. _____ has already assumed that everything yours is his so you can sort that out with him when you get back. I don’t want any of it besides what’s already in my or my mother’s name or what belonged to my dad. And call anyone you think you need to. I haven’t done anything wrong. So my house is a mess. It can be cleaned. My kids always have clean clothes, they are always fed, they get to school on time, and generally they’re pretty happy. The only thing that bothers them?? The fact that their FATHER has been ABSENT almost as much as he’s been present in their lives. And even when he WAS at home? Most of THAT time he was so drunk, he couldn’t participate in their lives anyway.

And if you’re going to call just to scream at me or threaten me or call me names or beat me up emotionally, just don’t. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I know what I’ve done. I know that makes me pure evil as far as you’re concerned. I don’t need to hear it over and over and over again.

I’m so done.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

So, The Nervous Breakdown.......

.......that has been coming for some time, finally happened today.

The mess with the addition, my mom, my kids, my job, the Former Supposed Spouse, Him.....

all of it........

It all finally boiled over this afternoon and much like the broken cruet of balsamic vinaigrette, came spilling out all over the kitchen floor. As I was cleaning up the mess with tears streaming down my face, I finally just gave up. And sat there. With the water running in the sink and the puddle of dressing growing every second and gave in to the tears and the emotions and just let it go........

I sat there for about 20 minutes before I was able to get up and shut the water off and clean up the mess.

My whole day was like that today. Every stinking thing I tried to do just turned to shit before my eyes. It started first thing this morning when I stopped to get coffee and only got half a damn cup!! And then, the drive through at McD's was FAR too long and I was running just late enough that I didn't get my biscuit either!! My co-worker was an angel though, and ran and got me a full cup of coffee.....should probably give him a gratitude tag later. He rocks.

I miss my mom.....the one who could remember things and not fly into a panic at the drop of a hat because she can't remember something or can't find something. It's coming faster than I was ready for. Not that I really think I was ready for this at all.

Kids will always be kids and maybe it's a pipe dream to think that I shouldn't have to constantly remind them that when the garbage cans are full to running over, they need to be taken out. And when the dishes are stacking up, maybe they need to be loaded into the dishwasher. Oh WAIT!! You CAN'T put them in the dishwasher because no one RAN the son of a bitch.

The Former Supposed Spouse calls and tries to help. And that just pisses me off more because there's NOTHING....not a GOD DAMNED THING.... he can do from where he's at except tell me what HE thinks I should do. I'm not an idiot. I can figure it out. When are you going to get that I don't need you to solve the fucking problem for me?? I just need someone to listen while I vent. And then, when I'm done venting, fuck me senseless. He can't do either at the moment.

And there are days when I desperately need it. And that's where He comes in. And I know I should just quit Him. And I told Him that. But I can't seem to. Because just like a damn addict, I keep running back for more.

You and tequila make me crazy
You run like poison in my blood
One more night could kill me baby
One is one too many
One more is never enough.
When it comes to you
Oh the damage I could do
It's always your favorite sins
Oh that do you in. 

"you're too much and I never get enough.......and......"
"I think you can figure out which three words come next."

to which he replies...

"goes without saying xoxo"

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Big Changes........

.......happen fast.

Most of you who have been reading along know that my mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. She is still able to take care of herself and cook for herself and drive herself around. And her memory is okay, most of the time. But I can see it slipping.

And it fucking scares the hell out of me. Already, she's not the same mom I have had for the last 40 some years. She worries more. She cries more. She's a little quicker to get irritated about things that, I think, aren't worth worrying or crying or getting irritated about. She always seems to think I'm mad at her about this or that and she always seems to think that I'm not happy with my life.

And while I try, REALLY FUCKING HARD, to not get angry and frustrated and irritated with her, there are days when I don't wear my mask particularly well. Because the truth of it is that I do have to tell her the same things three times in the same conversation. I do have to remind her 10 times that we have this to do on that day.......

It's time for her to move in with me. And to that end, we're building an addition on to my house that will have a nice big bedroom and a room for her scrapbooking and stamping and sewing and a bathroom with a walk-in tub and a nice little living room for her where she can have some privacy, but still be here where I can keep an eye on her. She gave me life, for goodness sake, I think it's the very least that I can do for her.

We met with the realtor on Tuesday. She showed the house on Wednesday and will be showing it again today. I suspect she will have it sold LONG before the addition is ready, so I'm sure things will get a little crowded around here for a while......lots of shuffling and shifting and finding places to store stuff.......

And that's just logistics.

What am I to do with all the rest of it? All the memories and emotional ties ...... I grew up in that house. The little bedroom in the back was pink from floor to ceiling for the better part of 16 years. It was the scene of countless slumber parties where we were continually shushed for giggling too much and making too much noise while dad was trying to sleep. I survived all those childhood milestones from lost teeth to lost virginity......holidays and birthdays and graduations and will anything be the same ever again?

Even though MY house has been my home for the last 14 years, HOME was always the little white house on the corner by the high school. And even though I moved out 30 seconds after I graduated from high school, it was always my safe haven, my soft place to fall. I only had to move back a couple times before I got it together......but it was always good to just know that it was there......that Mom and Dad were there.....if I ever needed them.

I'm an only child. Dad's been gone for almost two years. Now the house is going. And my Mom will gradually slip away from me before she goes to be with Dad ........

And I am suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of alone-ness that far surpasses any loneliness I've ever felt. And as hard as this is for me? I'm certain that it's 50 times harder for Mom. And that makes my heart hurt