Monday, December 29, 2014

My Truth......

.....and your truth about the same situation may be completely different. Trust that I don't embellish. The things that I write about have really happened to me, regardless of whether or not the subjects of my posts choose to acknowledge it. My favorite quote on the subject of personal truth.....
"Yet, I get to tell my truth. I get to seek meaning and realization. I get to live fully, wildly, imperfectly. That’s why I’m alive. And all I actually have to offer as a writer, is my version of life. Every single thing that has happened to me is mine. As I’ve said a hundred times, if people wanted me to write more warmly about them, they should have behaved better."  --Anne Lamont Bird by Bird 
I write because I can. I'm good at it, I think. I want to tell my story. We all struggle....sometimes we struggle with the same things. I want others to know that it's okay to struggle. As long as you also know you are strong enough to get through it.

Everything changes.......EVERY. THING. CHANGES.

And it (usually) absolutely sucks.....

Lately, lots of things in my life have been changing rapidly. Sometimes I have some difficulty keeping up with all those changes. The last few days (weeks, now) have been somewhat emotional. A friend of mine lost her husband-type-person quite suddenly. My heart breaks for her. We are far too young to be widows.

I left a job that I used to love but had become just one more place where I felt too stupid to be allowed to breathe. And that makes me sad. When I started, I felt like my job was one place where I was doing something right. And that made me feel good about myself. And now? Well, now not so much.

We sold Ma's house and she now resides with me......with her Alzheimer's.....and we spend our days chasing tablets and phones and charger cords and occasionally, we manage to laugh about it.....we're having some growing pains. We found some treasures. And found some treasures missing.....

Which means people I trusted, I shouldn't have. Which all revolves around addiction and that just pisses me off all the more. Addiction blows. The ravages of it are not limited to the addict......they are not limited to the physical toll drugs take on a human body.....often, the cost to those that love the addict are much higher....

.......bodies can heal......hearts? trust?......not so much......

Ex's Are........

.......a pain in the ass.

Today is an anniversary. The Former Supposed Spouse and I first got together on the Sunday after Thanksgiving 11 years ago. This year, the actual date is the same as well - November 30. And of course it makes me sad.

I do love him. As I may have mentioned, love for each other was never our problem. Two people who never loved one another with great passion could never possibly generate the level of pure unadulterated rage that we have towards one another.

He's not the only one who has done wrong. I've thrown my share of punches....mostly gut checks and blows below the belt because I'm just kind of a bitch like that. Yes. I have had affairs. Not just this time. Just that this time, the characters perhaps hit a little closer to home.

But booze and drugs have been "the other woman" in his life - in our life together - for the last 11 years. And that he would continue to choose "her" over me? Cuts me just as deeply as mine cut him.

And given everything that we both have done to each other? Why in the name of all that is Holy should we continue to destroy each other?? Let's just call it a draw and be done with it.

........and, that's just one ex.........

...."come for the holidays," I said. "It'll be fun!" I said.

And, you know, I can overlook a lot when the sex is really, really good. But there just wasn't any.....really. And I realize none us is physically 25 anymore. But in my head, I am. I still have a very healthy sex drive. And I very much enjoy physical intimacy. And all MY parts cooperate.....and participate.......enthusiastically. And it's not often that I find a partner in my same age bracket (44-52) that can keep up with me. And because I am lucky (crazy?) enough to have found one who can, perhaps my expectations of others are......just a tad high.

I think perhaps he was also trying to run from something.......funny how your struggles - whether it's with relationships, or family or whatever - follow you wherever you go. Whatever was going on, Christmas Day was a day of non-stop drinking which probably triggered a flashback to Christmases past....not just with the Former Supposed Spouse drinking himself into oblivion but my Grandpa as well.....and all of a sudden I was just so damn claustrophobic in my own house, I couldn't breathe. After that, it was awkward and tense and weird and in the end, he went home a week early. And I have no doubt that it was for the best.

I feel bad because I know it was awkward and weird and tense for him, too. And it wasn't fair of me to invite him into my little psycho-drama......and I dunno.....expect him to "fix" everything that's wrong in my life. That's a helluva expectation and one that was impossible to live up to......even if he had been the Matthew McConaughey-like specimen that I remember him being 25 years ago.


Maybe I'm just better off without a dick in residence right now.

Happy Holidays, ya'll. May 2015 be better than 2014.......or at the very least, less messy.