Friday, July 1, 2016

I'm Having a Little Trouble........

.............deciding which way to go next.

I find it a little ironic that the last time the Former Supposed Spouse went away, he did so without a huge amount of fuss. His probation officer showed up at our house, determined him drunk, and whisked him away. Along with every drop of alcohol in the house.

And I went completely off the rails. I was lost and angry and hurting. And constantly inventing ways in which I could get even with him for leaving me yet again. And instead of rehashing everything and every one, let me just say that I accomplished what I set out to do in grand fucking fashion. Two summers ago? That was my summer of living dangerously. Reckless and risky behavior. Far too much alcohol. People who a non-crazy person would have had the good sense to steer clear of. I, on the other hand, fell in love with Him.

There was collateral damage, too. I was too self-involved to allow myself to think of the consequences. People got hurt. I broke a couple of my Cardinal Rules. I threw myself at the ones who were absolutely no good for me and ran from those who might have been among the best things.

Anyway.....I promised irony so here it is. This time around, the Former Supposed Spouse caused an enormous amount of fuss and went to jail in rather grand fashion. Five cop cars and an ambulance descended on my home and spirited him away. The broken bathroom door remains as an awful reminder of that night.

And my reaction?? Meh. 

Somewhere inside I knew it was only a matter of time. And I'm surprisingly calm about it. Battered and broken and wounded. But this time, my Inner Vindictive Bitch is quiet. She's tired. Perhaps my recently acquired backbone has beaten her into submission. I don't know. What I do know is that without her yammering on in the back of my mind, I can think more clearly. I can take the time to build myself back up into something better, and not bitter. Something happy, not horrific.

So, I'm doing my best to continue moving forward, and not back. To leave the ghosts in the attic where they belong.

I think about them. And they send the odd text message now and again. For the most part I ignore them. They don't always make it easy though. I guess I'll just take it as a compliment that they still think of me and want what they can't have. Sucks to be them. You should have known what you had when you could've had it.

There are a couple who are, and will always be, forever friends. And who have become a soft place to fall. And fall apart. Mr. Minnesota....thank you for being there. Again. You listen. You don't judge. You laugh at me and call me on my shit. And I love you for it.

One last shot......to the one I was so over the moon for.....it's NOT okay to text me dirty pictures when your girlfriend is passed out. I did my time as your side chick. Not interested in going back to that. I'm thinking a little more highly of myself these days. And I deserve so. much. better. than to be anybody's dirty little secret.


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