Sunday, May 21, 2017

It's 3 a.m........

......and I'm wide awake again.

The insomnia that is usually only occasional has been in full on Beast Mode this week. Even pharmaceuticals are refusing to get the job done. Friday night at midnight marked about 36 hours with only about 2 hours of sleep. When I laid my head on my pillow and went to sleep, I slept for 10 hours. And now we're fast approaching 24 waking hours again.

I lay my head down on my pillow and one of two things happens.......either I can't shut my brain off or I can't shut the pain off.......physical or emotional.

There are things going on with Ma over and above the Alzheimer's - including the possibility of yet another devastating diagnosis.

There are things going on with The Former Supposed Spouse's children....children I have no legal obligation to or for but still love as if they were my own. I know they don't believe that. They will tell you that I hate them. They will tell you that their current predicament is my fault. They will tell you that I'm a total bitch of the highest order and my mission in life is solely to make theirs miserable. And that's fine. I can take it. It breaks my heart, but I can take it.

And then there is The Former Supposed Spouse. Always the same story. Always the same apologies. Always the same vows to change. Always the same knowing it will never happen. And I know, this is old news, I've written - exhaustively - on this subject and I'm weary of it.

I'm weary of all of it.

There are days when I think I would really like one of those 72-hour vacations. You know the ones where the men bring the funny white jackets, wrap you up, take you away and pump you full of thorazine for the weekend? Yeah.

I'm feeling lost. I don't recognize myself anymore. The Wild Woman that was in this body just two years ago has gone......somewhere else. And the chick that's here in her place is so far from down-ass it's not even funny. I'm so paralyzed by anxiety that I can't seem to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing. I try to write it out and even if I can finish a post, it just feels like I'm whining.

I'm supposed to be the strong one. The peacekeeper. The one who never gets angry or cries or - God forbid - NEEDS anyone.

But I do......

Need someone.

I need someone who will just let me dissolve into a puddle of make it okay for me not to have to be so strong all the time......someone who can find that Wild Woman that used to be me.......