Thursday, February 27, 2014

God Does Too Love Me.....Exactly Where I'm At

Yes. It's true. I confess. I'm a sinner.

But guess what?? God loves me anyway.

And why? Because I am exactly for whom He gave His Son to die.

His love for me is perfect because I will never be.

Judge me if you must. (But I'm pretty sure there is a scripture about THAT too...) I know I put a lot of shit out there so, I guess I kind of ask for it. I can take it. It comes with the territory. But don't you ever try to make me think that I am less deserving of His love than you are. I know better.

I can toss out a plethora of scriptures too. But these two will suffice:

Matthew 9:13 - Go and learn what this means, "I desire mercy and not sacrifice" for I came not to call the righteous but the SINNER to repentance.

Proverbs 28:13 - People who CONCEAL their sins will not prosper, but if they CONFESS and TURN FROM THEM, they will receive mercy.

Seems to me that it seems to be that's exactly what I'm doing here. Confessing. It may not be in private with a priest, since I'm not Catholic, but it's still so very good for my soul. God knows better the things of my heart than I could ever hope to express with spoken (or written) words anyway. And I as look back at the things I've done and said, I can honestly say I've learned a couple things. And now that I know better, I do better.

I'm doing the best I can. And that's good enough.

And p.s......Mary Magdalene was a whore, too. She turned away from her sinful ways and was beloved by Jesus. Which, if you read my post, is precisely what I am trying to do.

To The Douche Bag In The Bar Last Night....

And to all the other douche bags out there who think this type of behavior is okay, please, pull up a chair and allow me to re-educate you.....

The fact that you do not WEAR your wedding band, DOES NOT mean you are not married. So don't sit across the bar from me and make eyes at me all night, sitting there looking all stacked and inked (tribal, around a bicep that was almost as big as my thigh - LOVE that shit) and just plain HAWT in your big bad Dodge diesel truck being all charming and asking for my number and shit.......

And, once you have secured said number, THEN tell me that you "live with someone but you're not TOGETHER."

Here's a little tip for ya baby.......when "someone" finds my number in your phone and calls me at 3 a.m. demanding to know why did I text her husband.......

YEAH!! You are SOOOOOO together, dumb ass!!

And to Mrs. Dumb Ass, my sincerest apologies for letting it get that far. I'm sorry your hubby is an idiot. I'm just a girl from the bar who fell for his bullshit. It's been a while since I've done this. My radar for this kind of douchery is a little rusty. Rest assured, it won't happen again.

And guys, if you're married, just fecking say so. I'm no home wrecker (anymore). We can drink together, we can shoot pool, we can maybe even flirt, just a little. (Cuz' let's face it, I need the practice) But what you absolutely CANNOT do is take me home. Or ask me to drag your skeezy ass home with me.


I've been "the other woman" and I've been the wife who was cheated on. (I've also been the cheater, but those are stories for another day.) And the pain and anguish that this type of behavior causes is nothing I want to be part of ever again. The moment of pleasure gained just isn't worth the psycho bitch that will chase me around town with a baseball bat!!

This would be one of those truths about myself I faced when doing my Steps. It was ugly. It remains as the biggest chunk of my regrets. And one mutha fucka of an amends that I have yet to summon the courage to make. Sigh. I don't think I ever will. It's one of those amends that may just have to go out to the universe because to confess the wrong and ask for forgiveness would, I believe, do more harm than good. For all the parties involved.

It's Tempting.....But, I Just Can't Do It...

Ya gotta love Facebook.....

When you're slightly inebriated and those inhibitions are somewhat lowered and you're so very tempted to message someone you don't know very well, but REALLY kinda think you might want to....

I'm a big chicken shit. For all my tequila soaked bravado, I just can't do it....

Just the idea that he's out light, he awake or did he just leave his phone on like I always do?? Is he stalking my page?? Is he sleeping?? Is he sitting in his truck somewhere??? These are things I so want to know but can't bring myself to ask.....

I'm not even sure why he fascinates me so. He can be kind of an ass. But, in a smart way, not in a dumb ass douchey way.

Curiosity killed the cat and I already got in trouble once tonight so I think I will leave well enough alone.

For now.

Meanwhile, the wheels, they keep a turnin'.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Love Is NOT What's Missing

He calls. Just about every day. And he ends every call with "I love you."

And I always say, "I know."

Because love? That was never the problem. It doesn't matter how many horrifyingly awful things we did and said to each other, there was always love. Passionate love. How else could we muster this level of sheer hatred without a solid base of passion?? Love is NOT what's missing here.

YOU, my little fucktard, are what's missing here. Missing birthday's. And little league. And Cub Scouts. And dirt bikes and wheelers. And Christmas. And Easter which is just around the corner and you KNOW how much I hate this time of year. And summer. And a thousand other things that I want to share with you and can't because YOU'RE NOT HERE!!!

And, this used to make me so very angry. So filled with rage that I would do hateful things to get back at him for leaving and then not tell him. I knew what I had done and I knew exactly how much it would hurt him if he found out. And all the secrets were enough. He would, inevitably, find little traces of those secrets and convince himself that there was still "somethin' goin' on." Oy. If he only knew.

Maybe somewhere in my dark and twisty subconscious I thought if I was evil enough, he wouldn't WANT to come home, thus removing the decision from my hands.

The aftermath this time is different. I'm angry, to be sure. But not so angry that it is spilling over the edges and infecting everything. I'm sad, but much more for my little dudes than for myself.

Somewhere inside myself, I'm stronger than I was before. My mother cries every time we talk about it, but I'm not shedding anymore tears. I just know, somehow, I'm gonna be okay no matter what. And as long as I'm okay, my dudes will be okay.

It's good to be loved. But it's not enough. You gotta be here.

Just Wear the Damn Boots Already....

So here's a funny story for your hump-day.

I actually own these exact boots.

I saw 'em online. I bought 'em and I wear 'em because they make me feel all sexy and bad ass bitchy.

And no, I have never worn them OUTSIDE of the house...I think there are only two people on the planet that have actually seen me in them. And I gotta say, the effect they had was freakin' amazing and EXACTLY what I had hoped for!!

I simply cannot think of a single place they would be appropriate other than a Halloween party. They are definitely not something one wears to church on Sunday. Or to the Cub Scout banquet. Or in February in Montana.

So, this is one of my goals for the just wear the freakin' boots already!!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Let's Catch Up, Shall We??

If you followed me before, ( you know I had a wayward husband type person who, at the time, was experiencing an unfortunate incarceration. He was home for a while. And things were good for a while. And then they weren't so good. And now he's gone again. And I really did try to be sad about that. And I really did cry a couple of actual tears. But this time, it's just different. I'm not sad. I knew it was coming. I probably contributed to his delinquency (at least a little - I know this because the bottle of Kahlua and the bottle of Apple Pucker and the four-pack of Chelada's were mine) somewhat. But he's a grown person. Gonna be 50 in April. Mostly sentient and completely capable of making his own decisions. And, he chose, once again, to do all the things he's not supposed to. And as a result his probation office showed up at my house with about 50 cops (not really, but it seemed like it at the time) and hauled him off to jail again.

And I'm out. I'm done. I've been doing this dance with him for the last ten years and I just can't do it anymore. I took my "wedding" ring off and put it in the jewelry box. Moving on.....

I have an extra kid in my household now. Two, actually, but one is grown. The little guy belongs to the Former Supposed Spouse and lives with us (me, now) because his birth mother is not able to meet his sometimes special needs. She can't even meet her own needs, but that's a story for another day. So, he lives here with me and my two boys. And he's a great kid. I worried that he would just insist upon going back to his mom's when his dad was arrested but, we talked it out and he came to the same one's going anywhere until we know for sure how long dad's gonna be gone. Your mom doesn't have room for you right now because her place only has one bedroom and your big sister is using that one. He agreed. And we're cool.

The grown kid that belongs to the Former Supposed Spouse is pretty amazing. I'm glad he's around. He's got his own struggles with law enforcement, but he's doing his damnedest  to stay on the straight and narrow. And I'm so proud of him for that.

I still am chronically ill. My Fibro still kicks my ass every other day. But, I've finally found a good mix of therapies and it's not quite kicking my ass all the way to the curb and back. Only when I'm under medicated. And now that the Former Supposed Spouse is gone, that shouldn't be a problem anymore.

As for sobriety, at one point I had almost two years. I don't anymore. I'm not really sure I had as big a problem as I convinced myself I did. I did the meetings and The Steps and I think maybe everyone should. I found out a lot of truths about myself.....faced them head on, warts and all.....and changed the ones I could. Asked for forgiveness. And received it. And I still practice observing gratitudes every single day. It's just that these days, sometimes I'm grateful for a shot of tequila and a lime that isn't moldy!

I Just Want to Blog Already!!

Jesus, Mary and Joseph the fecking universe is conspiring against me! All I really wanted to do was pick up where I left off with my little corner of the webiverse.....but, alas, some things have happened in the intervening three years that have made this practically impossible....

1. My user name unfortunately was tied to an account which, apparently, has disappeared into the thinness of the stratosphere. Because of this, I am unable to find the account instructions for recovering said account.

2. The name of my blog no longer really applies anyhow. While I am still chronic and will for-EVER be freakin' fabulous, I am no longer sober. And I'm okay with that. At least, I am today.

So, I'm back. Under a new name. And I may be inebriated to varying degrees.

And, I gotta say, I'm not a big fan of this new google+ format. I do so hate change.