Tuesday, March 10, 2015

"When You Can't Figure It Out......

......then write it out."

Some of the best advice I've ever been given. I think I was maybe 22 or 23 at the time. Still pretty much a kid trying to figure everything out.....how to live....how to love....how to let myself be loved....how to recover from not being loved anymore....

The man who gave me this advice passed away last summer. I wrote about it at the time. But I don't think my grief over the loss really hit me full on until now. Other people in my life have intersected with what was left of his and all of a sudden-like the reality that he's gone hit me head on and took my breath away and brought me to my knees, so to speak.

That's one.

That "other people" in my life keeps me constantly questioning where my place in his life is. I thought I knew and I thought I was okay with it. But I just so really am not.....I only have space in his life because I make it easy for him to have me there. If I didn't come running when he called, I wouldn't ever see him I don't think. And I suspect there would be someone else there to take my place right quick if I stopped. I love him. He says he loves me. But he "loves lots of different women for lots of different reasons."

Part of me knows that I should just let him go. If he wants to be in my life, he will put himself there. If he doesn't, he won't, But the thought of that hurts so very much I can't breathe.

That's two.

I look around my house at the state of chaos it has become and I get so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to start. So many projects started and yet to complete.....messes to be cleaned up....dishes...trash to be taken out....laundry to be done...clean laundry to be folded....Ma's stuff still sitting in boxes waiting for a home.....I look around and I have to just fucking laugh.....

Even if the person above wanted a life with me, wanted to move in, I'd have nowhere to put him!

That's three.

And three strikes and you're out, right?

Nope, wait. There's more.

I'm overwhelmed.....in the middle of a particularly nasty fibro flare......everything hurts all the time and nothing....not a damn thing....not even the best of modern pharmaceuticals (or alternative ones, for that matter) are working for me. I can't seem to get enough sleep even though it seems that I sleep around the clock.

I feel like I'm digging myself into a hole....a deep one....that keeps getting deeper and I can't seem to find the strength to climb out and I can't find a hand to pull me out.

I'm resentful because it seems like I'm the one everyone turns to in the middle of the night when they're alone and lonely and sad. But when I'm alone and lonely and sad in the middle of the night I haven't the slightest idea who I could call.

I'm whining, And I know that. Feeling sorry for myself is something I've become disgustingly talented at. And still I know that my problems are NOTHING compared to some. All the people I love are still walking around breathing. I get to touch them and talk to them and hold them and make love to them occasionally. So in my head, I know that I am so blessed.

Little comfort.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

I Try Really Hard......

......to not cry in front of him. Because I'm the down ass chick. And down ass chicks don't cry.

Except that a couple weeks ago - and now again tonight - that's exactly what happened. Because down ass chick or not, I still have a heart. And currently it belongs to him. And right now it's breaking.

And why? Because when his Facebook page says he's "in a relationship" I want it to mean in a relationship with me. I want to be the girl in the pictures on his page. I want to be the one on the cover of his phone. I want to be the one he comes home to every night.....the one he calls every night......I want to go with him when he goes home next month.....when the permanent resident of his current house comes home, I want him to make my house his home......I want to be the one that "has him thinking."......I want to be the one. Period.

The last few weeks, I've spent more nights with him than she has. And I love it. But I don't understand it. And a part of me knows I shouldn't "settle" for being......well I don't know what I am. I believe I'm something more than just his "nothing better to do." He's proven that by choosing to stay with me almost every night.....

How much more seems to be the question.....